The Coming of the Foe
by Theodore Hawkwood
Summary: Set in Red Witch's Misfitverse. As new handlers arrive at Misfit Manor a terrible new foe rises to face them. Kingdom HeartsXMen EvoOriginal crossover.
1. Atop the Rocks

Atop the Rocks

Disclaimer: I don't own the Misfits or Kingdom Hearts. The characters of David Huff, Ted Griffin, and Emily Arlington are my creations, however.

Author's Note: My muse for Worlds Without End wound up breaking my heart in eight places. Subsequently after a long and difficult recovery which involved a trip through the mountains of Wyoming I decided I should start a fresh story instead of continue writing one inspired by a damaged heart.

* * *

The gray Toyota Tundra pickup truck continued its solitary journey along the road leading to the Pit. For nearly fifteen hours the man had been on the road on an inexorable journey leading south and east from his home in British Colombia, Canada. It was his fourth day of living off of food from fast food joints, sleeping in his truck, and meandering down busy highways and mountain roads.

_I'm not due at the Pit for another day or so and I'm about three hours away. _The driver thought. He certainly wasn't hungry, he'd just wolfed down a burger and french-fries at the local Burger King and washed it down with a soda. The last item was still one fourth finished, the ice melting into the plastic cup. In the cab and bed of the pickup were all of his earthly possessions.

He passed by a particularly large and interesting rock formation and he pulled over beside it. He took off his hiking boots and put his climbing shoes on. It was about two hundred and fifty feet tall, and he took his Israeli Defense Force issue rappelling gear began his climb to the top of the mesa. When he was on the rock, nothing could touch him; nothing mattered except for climbing the next few feet upward to the top of the rock.

After finally pulling himself over the top he stood, admiring the view of the desert below. The sun was just starting to set below the horizon. There were miles of open desert out in front of him and he stood, briefly, admiring the view. Presently he realized it was time to walk back down to his truck and maybe head off to the nearest rest area and catch some shuteye.

* * *

Emily Arlington, of Her Majesty's Secret Service, now assigned to work at a place called the Pit, walked with the big black man named Roadblock. She'd just arrived from the UK two days prior and thus was still a bit jetlagged.

As she and Roadblock walked into the reception area, where new personnel arrived, she noticed a fellow wearing a pair of tan Arcteryx pants, an olive green t-shirt with Hebrew script she could only guess at, and hiking boots. This had to be that new bloke from Israel, as his swarthy complexion and t-shirt attested.

It was about then that the newcomer turned. He saw the pair heading his way, a powerfully muscled African American man with a shaven skull and a petite, dark haired woman. It was then that Ted Griffin felt like he'd been walloped with a steel pipe. He had seen the woman of the pair before somewhere, years ago. She looked different, he barely recognized her now.

Emily Arlington forgot entirely about the jetlag. The man standing a few feet away was familiar, she knew him. As this happened they approached each other. How does one pick up a conversation or restart a friendship more than ten years old. So much had changed in him.

Roadblock turned to her just then, "You know each other?"

"Yes." Emily replied.

"We've met before." Ted supplied.

Roadblock took in the interaction between his two new teammates. They obviously knew each other, but how? He'd have to figure it out somehow.

"Marvin Hinton." Roadblock said, extending a meaty hand, "People call me Roadblock."

"Ted Griffin. I can see why."

Roadblock noted the Canadian tone to the man's voice, obviously unusual for an Israeli soldier. "Well, have you gotten all your paperwork done?" Roadblock asked.

Ted nodded and shortly after, Roadblock's cell phone rang. He picked it up and groaned, "Not again. Listen, can you wait here…?"

"I've got a vehicle outside." Ted replied.

"I hate to be rude, but we're having a problem with a certain chef's food." Roadblock replied, "Emily can show you the way back."

As Roadblock left, Ted turned towards Emily and broke an otherwise awkward silence, "What's the big emergency? Why would they need him to fix a problem in the kitchen?"

"The chef, BA he's called, had to have caused another disaster." Emily replied.

Ted raised an eyebrow and looked at her, "What? How is that so aching urgent?"

"If you've seen what the Bean Burrito Bonanza does..." Emily replied.

"What sort of place is this?" Ted replied as they walked out to his truck, "And what kind of unit did we just join?"

"Well," Emily began, "I wish Roadblock were here to give you a better explanation of what you've signed up for. But we're working as the intelligence section for a team of mutants working with the Joes called the 'Misfits'."

They climbed into the truck and Ted started the engine, "I've heard of these guys when I was in Israel. Didn't this Admiral named Shipwreck start a recruiting commercial? (**AN: See _Be All You Shouldn't Be_ by Red Witch**)."

"Shipwreck, from what I've seen of him is many things, but an admiral isn't one of them." Emily quipped.

"We were watching TV in the team room once and they showed the two recruiting commercials during a soccer match." Ted replied, "I've also heard one or two rumors about the Misfits, but what can you tell me?"

"Well," Emily replied, "They're a group of teenagers, formerly part of the Brotherhood of Mutants, but when Magneto abandoned them, they were rescued by the Joes and now are the US Army's mutant team."

"How long have you been here?" Ted asked.

"About forty eight hours." Emily replied.

"You picked this up in two days?" Ted replied.

"It's my job, for one thing," Emily smiled serenely, "And also, I ran the section on mutants for Her Majesty's Secret Service for a while. We had a large enough one for the Brotherhood and thus we have quite a file on the Misfits."

"Certainly not something I could ever see you doing." Ted replied.

"You missed a lot since you headed out to Israel all those years ago." Emily replied.

Ted followed Emily's directions for another fifteen minutes and parked in front of Misfit Manor. As soon as they climbed down from the vehicle they could hear shouting and the sounds of explosions and a few tremors.

"There he is!"

"Don't let him get away!"

"Kill him! Kill him!"

Over the nearby hill came an old man in stained cook whites with a greasy apron and chef's hat. Flying by him were several knives, hex bolts, and assorted projectiles. He was being chased by several cacti that were glowing blue for some reason.

"Take it easy! How was I supposed to know that Bean Burritos give the Blob bad gas!" BA shouted as the Misfits, handler and charge alike, chased him.

"The Blob?" Ted asked.

"His real name is Fred Dukes. He eats enough to feed a London homeless shelter with seconds in one sitting." Emily replied, with an exasperated sigh.

Ted watched in amazement as he saw the army of cacti catch up to BA and start beating him up.

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" came the shouts.

POW! WHACK! WHAM! THUD! POKE POKE POKE!

"Come on! Mercy! Mercy!" BA shouted.

"No way!" Wanda shouted, "Not after you fed Blob those burritos!"

"Especially with that Nitro Nuclear Picante Delight!" Pietro added, "C'mon sis, get him!"

"You gave the Blob enough methane to render an area the size of Salt Lake City uninhabitable!" Shipwreck shouted as he charged over the hill where a dozen hexed cacti were beating up BA.

"We'd best get indoors." Emily warned.

Wordlessly, Ted nodded. Emily opened the front door and they walked inside. Almost as soon as she walked inside she was promptly knocked over by an invisible force. She didn't even have time to issue a full fledged scream when the force knocked her to the ground.

From thin air appeared a mutant with golden hair and green lizard scales. A bag of empty cookies lay on the floor.

Ted pulled the creature off of her, "What is that thing?"

"How should I know?" Emily snapped back, rising to her feet

"You live here." Ted retorted.

An African American man wearing sunglasses came running out of the nearby living room, "Oh thank God you guys found Xi."

"Who are you?" Ted asked.

"Oh, I see we haven't been properly introduced."

"Emily Arlington."

"Ted Griffin."

"They call me the Blind Master. And Xi, what were you doing?"

"My pouncing reflexes are 1/100th a second slower than normal, I was practicing." Xi replied, as if pouncing on random people was the most natural thing in the world.

Just then a tall red haired woman walked into the room, with a discarded cookie bag in her left hand. "Alright, who gave Xi cookies?"

"Oreos…" Xi said, "HUGS!"

Xi immediately threw his arms around Emily and then began hugging everyone in the room. And then he vanished into thin air. She stood, half shocked, half bewildered. The household was bizarre, but this lizard had taken the weirdness to a completely new level.

"Your files never mentioned this?" Ted asked, "Whatever happened to 'the big file' on the Misfits?"

"Obviously he wasn't in it." Emily replied.

"Oh, where are my manners." Blind Master replied, "Cover Girl, this is Ted Griffin, I believe he comes from the Israeli Border Guard. It's been a long time."

"I'd love to stay and chat." Cover Girl said, "But I'd better get Xi calmed down."

Ted wondered, as he walked upstairs, just what he'd just wandered into. As he heard KC and the Sunshine Band playing in the next room and saw Xi dancing around in a John Travolta stance he couldn't help but laugh.

Emily Arlington raised an eyebrow as the genetically ex-COBRA assassin danced 70s style through the living room singing, "Everybody c'mon and sound your funky horn…."

* * *

Lance walked out of the meditation room, a recent addition Spirit had built onto Misfit Manor, he had just been carrying out a recommended session with his spirit guide. Unfortunately the Spirit Guide in question sounded like Pietro. Even more unfortunately, said spirit guide was now following him out of the room.

He wandered through the living room just in time to see Xi dancing to a KC and the Sunshine Band song. "Come on Lance! Sound your funky horn!" Xi said.

"Yeah Lance," said the Coyote, "Let's dance…"

The Coyote spun round and appeared wearing a white disco suit and began dancing around. Lance groaned, "Remind me to kill Shipwreck for leaving those disco albums around Xi."

"Oh come on, where's your funky horn…" The Coyote said, honking a tiny silver bicycle horn directly into his ear.

"Shut up!" Lance shouted.

"Lighten up, will you!" the Coyote said.

"WILL SOMEONE GET THIS SILVER FURRED MANIAC AWAY FROM ME!" Lance shouted.

"Lance?" Emily said, as she walked into the room, "Who are you talking to?"

"Yes I'm talking about you! That's right you flea bitten, four footed lunatic!" Lance shouted and started punching away at the air, narrowly missing Emily.

"Watch out!" she yelped with surprise.

Meanwhile Xi did several back flips interspersed with an assortment of John Travolta _Friday Night Fever _moves. He began kicking and ninja moving through the air, knocking over a vase, a lamp, and upending a footstool.

"Wow," Toad said, as he wandered inside, "It's a party in here yo."

Toad jumped into the air, colliding with Xi. They danced around while Lance chased his invisible annoyance with a poker from the fireplace.

"Come on get down!" Xi and Toad shouted in unison.

"That's right!" Emily shouted, "Get down from the bloody ceiling before you destroy the living room!"

"In case you haven't noticed, Emily," Cover Girl said, as the three mutants carried on like a trio of baboons, "destruction and chaos are the order of the day here. This will be the fourth time that the ceiling in the living room has had to be replaced."

"What?" Emily asked as her eyes popped wide open as Xi and Toad did several 70s moves upside down on the ceiling and Lance was rolling around the floor, fighting with what appeared to be thin air.

"OW! Quit Biting! Quit Biting!" Lance shouted.

"Don't mess with the fur lover boy!" The Coyote replied, "Just because I made a sound observation doesn't mean your should get mad."

"Sound observation! SOUND OBSERVATION! I'LL GIVE YOU A SOUND OBSERVATION FLEABAG!"

Emily Arlington, in the years she had spent with Her Majesty's Secret Service, never imagined that she would ever see anything like this. No wonder that COBRA gave the Misfits a wide berth when it came to attacking them. What infiltrator would be stupid enough to sneak into Misfit Manor?

* * *

TBC 


	2. The Old Soldier

The Old Soldier

Disclaimer: Same as before…

AN: I realize some terms might be new to you guys, so I put a glossary at the end…

* * *

_"He who blessed our forefathers Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, may he bless the soldiers of Israel."_ **-Prayer for the Soldiers of Israel.**

* * *

Gaza, 1995: The convoy of four Israeli Sufa Jeeps and two large five ton trucks drove along the roadway. The **MAGAV **jeeps were escorting the IDF trucks to their new convoy. It was when they rounded a corner that the RPG exploded, striking one of the jeeps. For at least one young soldier in the convoy this was his first introduction to battle. As soon as the explosion hit the jeep, the convoy stopped and the soldiers, MAGAV and IDF alike, fanned out aiming their weapons in a three hundred and sixty degree arc, engaging hostile Palestinians as they appeared.

Ted Griffin, barely twenty-two years old and a new recruit to the MAGAV, ducked behind the jeep of his vehicle and fired his M16 at the Palestinian ambushers, seeing one of them crumple dead to the ground. He went to change out his empty magazine with fumbling, shaking fingers when he saw a Palestinian fighter about to shoot his AK47 at the medics. He had no idea that Ted was nearby, just outside his field of vision.

Ted grabbed one of his hand grenades, pulled the pin, and threw it at the Palestinian. It landed perfectly beneath him, right between his legs and exploded with a mighty flash, throwing its victim into the air.

"Assault through! Assault through!" came a shout.

The Israelis began to turn the assault on the ambushers, the few that still remained who hadn't fled or been killed. They charged towards them, half the force covering the advancing elements. A Palestinian raised an AK and was cut down by at least a dozen Israeli weapons fired simultaneously.

Almost as soon as it happened, the ambush ended. The soldiers evacuated the wounded, destroyed the wrecked jeep with a thermite grenade, and did a damage assessment. As he stood sentry duty, Ted got a first look at the youth he'd killed with a grenade. His right foot was blown away and his fingernails in the right hand were missing as he had spastically clawed at the ground in his last seconds of life, gouging little holes into the rocky soil. His right was little more than a bloody socket, his left was frozen open, a snapshot of terror and accusation.

* * *

Ted awoke with a start. There was no way in hell he was going back to sleep tonight. There was that very interesting rock formation on the hill behind Misfit Manor he had wanted to check out. He picked up his IMI Jericho 941F 9mm handgun and holster and strapped them in his concealed holster after he'd dressed and walked out the door.

He began to climb the hill and began to climb around the large boulders at its summit, moving laterally, losing himself in the challenge of traversing laterally along the rocks a few feet off the ground. Bouldering wasn't quite like climbing the 250 foot cliff a couple days prior, but it still had its challenges, such as moving laterally ten feet on a feature with very tiny foot and hand holds. It was as if climbing the rocks took away what plagued him in the night time.

"Nightmares?" Came a familiar voice from atop the large boulder. Ted scrambled up the boulder, hauling himself over the top.

"Gabriel," Ted replied, "How'd you guess?"

"Considering I've known you almost all of your life, I understand you pretty well…" Blind Master replied.

"… all too frequently you do." Ted replied.

"It's good to see you've returned." Blind Master said.

"A lot of my buddies are still out there, though." Ted replied.

"You'll be on operations soon enough." Blind Master replied.

"I hope so." Ted replied, "He who blessed our forefathers Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, may He bless the soldiers of Israel."

"It's tough being here when your unit's out there, still fighting." Blind Master observed.

"**YAMAS **is one of the busiest Special Forces units in all of Israel." Ted replied, "There wasn't a day in Jerusalem or the Territories where we weren't running operations."

The sun was rising, slowly over the horizon. "What are you doing up?" Ted asked.

"It's peaceful out here in the early morning…" Blind Master began, and stood up from his cross legged seating position.

Ted reached for his pistol and turned the safety off. There was already a round chambered, from force of habit, he always chambered a round. This meant he slid back the slide and put a bullet into the chamber before putting the fifteen round magazine into the magazine well.

"I hear it too…" Blind Master said. From behind a small stand of brush they could hear movement, something roughly the size of a human.

"Must be a deer." Ted guessed.

"Sounded a bit small…" Blind Master argued.

"A fox or coyote perhaps…" Ted guessed.

"That smell certainly doesn't remind me of those animals." Blind Master said, "I have a feeling something is amiss."

"We'd best get back to the house." Ted agreed, the fact that the Blind Master seemed to have goose bumps all over his skin was a key that something was wrong. The fact that the ninja that he'd known since boyhood, a man who was almost always calm, centered, and composed seemed afraid was very disturbing.

The two men walked down the hill, feeling throughout the time that someone was watching them from the brush. They were unaware of the yellow, glowing eyes watching them from the bushes.

* * *

"Where were you?" Emily asked Ted as he walked into the house.

"Around. I had to take a walk to clear my mind." Ted replied, "And grab a quick climb to boot."

"You've got a lesson in five minutes. What are you going to teach the kids?" Emily asked.

"Greek mythology." Ted replied.

At Emily's quizzical stare, he replied, "It was my minor degree back when we were at Cambridge together."

"I know that, but you came up with a lesson plan in that short a time period?" Emily replied.

"I made it up when I was climbing." Ted shrugged.

"Where's the write up?" Emily asked.

"What write up?" Ted asked.

"You still _never _write things down, do you?" Emily replied.

"I've got a brain." Ted replied.

"Word of advice, dude." Roadblock said, taking a cup of coffee from the coffee maker, "And not to be rude. Around these kids, if you have a brain, it won't last long. Their capability for antics is very strong."

"They're just kids." Ted replied, "How bad can they be?"

The Canadian walked off towards the school building and Roadblock said, "Famous last words."

* * *

Ted walked into the school room and promptly descended into chaos. Xi was practicing disco moves in the far corner, Wanda was casually shoving Pietro's face into a nearby goldfish tank, and Blob was reading a psychology book and eating a peanut butter and liverwurst sandwich.

"Alright, who knew what today's assignment was?" Ted asked the class.

"It was Ovid's Met-Meta-something…" Blob said.

Pietro rolled his eyes, though he was soaked to the bone, the speedster was trying to regain some sort of dignity, "Metamorphosis, Blob."

"What's that?" Blob asked.

"It's when one thing is transformed into something else." Althea replied, "Right?"

"Exactly." Ted replied.

"You mean like when Kitty turns perfectly edible food into toxic substances that no one can identify?" Xi asked.

"Who's Kitty?" Ted asked.

"Lance's soon to be ex-girlfriend." Pietro quipped.

"Pietro, you're going to metamorphose into a corpse! DIE!" Lance shouted and dived after Pietro.

"Good word usage, Lance." Ted replied, "But there are other stories where people are transformed into more than corpses in Ovid."

"You need therapy Lance. Kitty is definitely an example of bad taste!" Pietro laughed as he ran around and around.

"I'll give _you _therapy! _Death _Therapy!" Lance shouted, chasing him around with a broken chair leg.

"People underwent some bizarre changes in the Metamorphosis." Ted continued as Lance and Pietro were fighting in the corner.

"Like the Arachne lady that got transformed into a spider?" Wanda said.

"Exactly." Ted replied.

"I wish someone would turn Pietro into something." Wanda said.

"I think Lance is turning him into a bloody pulp." Arcade quipped.

"Lance, Pietro, this is no time to engage in stereotypical masculine aggression." Fred said, in a psychiatrist's tone.

"Anyway," Ted continued, rolling his eyes as he and Fred attempted to separate Lance and Pietro, "Let's get back to the Metamorphosis."

"Can't we learn something cool?" Pietro whined.

"Your military tactics classes aren't this afternoon." Ted replied, "I believe I'm teaching you undercover tactics."

"Can we skip Ovid and learn that instead?" Pietro continued.

"Not until this afternoon." Ted continued.

"Aww…I wanna learn how to disguise myself…" Pietro said.

"Class," Ted replied, in a nearly exasperated tone, "Would it help if I made the lecture more interactive…"

"How so?" Wanda asked.

Ted fixed Pietro with a wicked gleam in his eyes, and tossed several rolls of duct tape into the audience.

"Uh oh" Pietro said, looking around the classroom as all of the Misfits came and surrounded him…

"I hope Ted's alright." Emily said, as she and Cover Girl headed for the classroom and opened the door.

What they found was Pietro being duct taped to the chalkboard by Ted and the rest of the class.

"Ted, you're supposed to be teaching the Metamorphosis!" Cover Girl shouted.

The Canadian turned around saying, "Oh I am. I'm just making the lesson more interactive."

"I'm glad the schoolroom's still standing. However, what does duct taping Pietro to the board have to do with the Metamorphosis?" Cover Girl asked.

"Easy," Ted replied, "I'm defining the metamorphosis using a demonstration dummy. Class, the duct tape is in lieu of an actual cocoon. A caterpillar, in this case represented by Pietro enters the cocoon and transforms into a butterfly. In Pietro's case, the cocoon should turn him into a better behaved student."

"It seems you've got a handle on the class." Cover Girl said, "That's a good thing."

"Yes, it's not that hard." Ted replied, "It's like in Gaza, where you arrest the instigator of the riot and everything calms down. In Israel we learn how to handle chaos."

"Huh? What's this?" Ted asked. In his right hand was a small teddy bear in camouflaged fatigues with polished black boots. The way that Cover Girl paled and backed off, you would have thought he was carrying twenty kilograms of **Semetex **(AN: Czechoslovakian explosive, it takes a complete moron to accidentally detonate it).

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOLDING SERGEANT SNUFFLES!" came a shout, "I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL! BANZAI!"

CRASH! Beach Head came flying through the drywall and collided solidly with Ted, flipping him end over end over the teacher's desk.

* * *

Later that night: "Do you think Ted will be alright?" Cover Girl asked.

"Psyche Out just released him from the infirmary an hour ago. He was lucky Beach Head didn't maim him to death." Shipwreck replied.

"Where is he then?" asked Low Light, "We're supposed to have a meeting tonight."

"He's probably outside somewhere." Blind Master replied.

"Emily, you know Ted from the old days, is he always like this?" Low Light asked.

"Unfortunately, yes." Emily replied, "He has a habit of disappearing whenever he gets the chance."

"Where would he go?" Shipwreck asked.

"He's probably climbing the rocks out by the back yard." Blind Master replied. That was when they heard the report of several gunshots.

* * *

Ted was climbing the rocks again when he heard the sound of muttering directly behind him. He followed its source to see a teenager, about eighteen years old.

"I can't believe she did that…" Lance grumbled.

"Did what?" Ted replied.

Lance jumped about a foot at the voice behind him. He turned to see the new instructor, the swarthy Canadian guy wearing jeans, hiking boots, and an olive green t-shirt with some kind of foreign writing on it.

"I just heard from Trinity, you know what I mean…" Lance said.

"You mean those three maniac girls that love experimenting on people?" Ted asked.

"Yes, but that's not what I mean." Lance replied, he just didn't care who he vented to right now. Spirit was off gathering medicinal plants in the desert, the others kept making stupid wisecracks which he wasn't in the mood to hear, and the adults were nowhere to be found.

"I can't believe Pitor's going on a date with her tonight." Lance groaned.

"Your rival for Kitty's affection, I imagine." Ted replied.

"Yes." Lance replied.

"One date doesn't necessarily mean Armageddon." Ted replied, "I remember that rash action in this arena can lead one halfway across the world."

Before Lance could inquire a strange looking creature leaped out from behind the rocks. It was shorter than either of them, its skin dark as night, its hands ending in claws, its yellow eyes glowing menacingly. Ted pulled his pistol out and turned the safety off as more of the creatures began to appear, about five in all. They paused momentarily, and then charged.

"Get back to the house!" Ted shouted, and began to shoot at the first of the attackers, hitting it with four 9mm rounds to the chest, neck, and face.

Lance sent a tremor that knocked the other four off their feet or unbalanced them. Taking advantage of their disorientation Ted shot the two nearest creatures with two rounds to the face apiece at eight meters away. Two more remained and as they stood, Ted plastered them with rounds and then dropped the almost empty clip and slammed his second magazine in. Both Lance and Ted scrambled madly down the hill as fast as they could go…

* * *

TBC (Up next, an investigation into the new foe and a crossover with some very familiar heroes from literature and film.)

Glossary:

**Intifada – **Literally the "uprising" against Israeli occupying forces in the Territories.

**MAGAV** – Border Police, the 'green' police. They operate on the borders of Palestinian settlements and in fact there are some areas where 'blue' or regular police officers cannot go without MAGAV escort. MAGAV is the muscle of the Israeli police. Many Ethiopian immigrants and Druses serve in the MAGAV.

**MAGAVnick – **Slang for MAGAV personnel.

**Mistaravim** – Hebrew for becoming an Arab.

**YAMAS – **The Hebrew acronym for Mistaravim Unit. YAMAS is the MAGAV's undercover counterterrorist unit.


	3. The Mysterious Being

The Mysterious Being

Disclaimer: Same as before…I don't own Pirates of the Carribean at all, but Alan Breck is my creation.

* * *

Sometime later: Airtight and Lifeline were in the science lab, dissecting one of the creatures Ted had killed earlier that evening. As they cut the y shaped incision around the torso, they noticed something curious. Lifeline spoke into a microphone as they dissected.

"Subject: Unknown humanoid life form, about four and a half feet tall. Cause of death, four 9 millimeter bullets to the torso and head. Killed by massive cerebral trauma brought about by said bullets. Of note, subject appears to lack a heart…"

"How does it live then?" Airtight asked.

"That's one of a thousand things I want to answer tonight." Lifeline asked, "My million dollar question is where the hell these things come from?"

"Yeah. Considering Hawk's going to want information as soon as possible."

The two men continued their dissecting and analysis well into the night.

* * *

Ted squeezed the trigger on the CAR-15, a carbine version of the M16 with a collapsible stock, with a telescopic sight attached to it. The silencer at the end of the weapon made it sound barely louder than a BB gun going off. The bullet punched a hole right through the center of the target.

Behind him with a pair of binoculars was Low Light, "Hit." He said.

"Cease fire." Came the command followed by a whistle blow.

"What's going on?" Ted asked.

"Roadblock's called a meeting." Shipwreck said, "Come on."

The three men drove back to Misfit Manor.

* * *

"Those creatures that Ted killed didn't trip any alarms." Roadblock said, "And security didn't detect anything."

"What are we doing about it?" Shipwreck asked.

"We're running extra security patrols." Blind Master replied.

"And what exactly were those things I killed last night?" Ted replied.

"According to Airtight they're some kind of weird humanoid without hearts." Roadblock replied.

"Are they mutants?" Althea asked. She and the older Misfits were sitting in on this meeting.

"Airtight doesn't think so." Roadblock added, "But for some reason, they're great at infiltrating our defenses."

"Do you think some kind of weird COBRA creation perhaps?" Lance asked.

"We don't know yet. But we're trying to find out what we can." Emily replied.

"Well how are our patrols being set up?" Ted asked.

"We'll assign the older Misfits and adults to them." Shipwreck replied, "Two adults and two Misfits will form the patrols, together with a few reinforcements."

"Low Light, you and Ted are going on the first patrol with Avalanche and Blob." Roadblock ordered, "Blind Master, Cover Girl, Althea and Toad will relieve you at 0200."

"In addition, we have others on outpost duty." Shipwreck added, "Pietro, you and Wanda are on outpost duty with Leatherneck and Wetsuit…Wait a second, who wrote this?"

"I did." Emily replied, "You told me to write this plan…"

"You put those four in an outpost for at least five hours?" Blind Master replied.

"I'm sure those four will be able to put whatever differences they have aside for a greater good." Emily replied, "It will be good for them."

"I don't think you understand. Putting those two together, along with Pietro and Wanda is just asking for trouble." Blind Master began.

"Or at least an explosion or two…" Althea added.

"I'm certain those two will put aside whatever differences they have…" Emily replied.

"…Or they'll kill each other." Lance quipped.

* * *

Firefly watched quietly from the bushes as he saw that the Pit was on some kind of heightened state of alert. He saw Low Light and some new recruit in the olive green uniform of the Israeli Border Police creeping around the area. Both men had their telescope sighted rifles at the ready.

_Discipline will carry you through…_ Firefly thought to himself, _Patience is the way. Patience pays off…It will help the others._

He barely heard the silenced shots coming from the Israeli soldier's silenced CAR-15 as they killed three more of the Heartless. _Now is not the time…_

He waited quietly in the bushes. They were fools, all of them. They were little more than mindless beasts, exposing themselves to gunfire. He heard Low Light's PSG-1 crack twice, and knew that the lethal marksman had scored two kills…

* * *

"Not too bright are they?" Ted replied. In two hours of hunting they had bagged five of the mysterious creatures in the surrounding woods.

"Somehow, Ted, I get the feeling these guys aren't really the brains behind the operation." Low Light replied, his rifle cracking twice, killing two Heartless.

"These certainly aren't synthoids." Ted began, "What the hell are they then?"

"I don't know." Low Light replied, as they continued their patrol.

* * *

The Black Pearl knifed through the waters that filled the void between the dimensions. Various crew members were rushing about; making sure things were in order. Jack Sparrow stood on the poop deck, behind the helmsman and looked at the mysterious compass in his right hand. The arrow, since his world had been destroyed, would always point him in a particular direction. In the first case, it took him to a nearly deserted world, ravaged by the same beasts that had destroyed his home. It was there that he uncovered fragments of a document known as Ansem's Report and of a way to stop these 'Heartless'. It had also led him to the man standing to his left.

The man to his left was a mysterious man; his black hair was short and somewhat tousled. His complexion was that of a pale Scot. But it was his eyes that were most mysterious. They were as gray as the calf-length trench coat that he wore over a white shirt, brown trousers and black boots. They were intense and could bore into the soul. They bore the look of a man who had lost to the Heartless.

"Where does it lead us now, Jack?" Alan asked.

"I don't know, yet, Alan." Jack said, "Perhaps to the wielder of the Keyblade…"

Alan closed his eyes, his hand resting on the basket hilt of the Highlander's sword. With that blade he had spilt the blood of many a Heartless, but their tide was too great to repulse and many a son of Scotland was killed or worse, enslaved, at the Battle of Culloden.

"Aye, I pledged my sword and my life to defend the wielder until such time at he be ready." Alan replied.

"Let us hope it will not come to that." Will Turner replied, much of the youthful glint in his eyes seemed to be lost. He had grown more careworn over the last two years.

"When is Elizabeth due?" Alan asked.

"Any day now." Will replied, referring to his pregnant wife below decks, "Will we make land soon?"

"Aye, but will that be entirely safe?" Alan replied.

"It is better than her giving birth aboard ship." Will replied.

"Where are we going?" Will asked.

Alan pointed with his right hand to the horizon where dark clouds seemed to be forming around a world. "The compass points us there."

"Mary Mother of God! It pains me to think how many worlds were overrun by the Heartless." Gibbs remarked.

Alan simply stared ahead at the gathering storm.

* * *

"Sniping is like a game of chess." Low Light said to Ted as the two men stared at each other across the kitchen table over a chess board, "Whenever you shoot, you reveal yourself."

As he spoke, Ted's black knight took out Low Light's pawn only to be knocked out by a bishop he hadn't seen. The two men had just been relieved of roving patrol by Sci Fi and Tunnel Rat. The alert status was still high, so all available personnel were to be ready to go. Emily, Cover Girl, Shipwreck and Roadblock were currently resting on the nearby couches in various states of sleep.

"I'd keep an eye on that queen, before she counts in with the others." Low Light replied, indicating six other pieces ranging from knights thru pawns he had taken.

"Oh she's just lying in wait." Ted replied. The coffee pot was still brewing as they spoke.

"Your move, Ted." Low Light said, moving his rook to cut off Ted's queen.

Blind Master called from upstairs, "Low Light, I need you and Ted to get up on the roof. We'll need a sniper over watch position."

Ted and Low Light grabbed their rifles, body armor, rucksacks, and combat webbing harnesses and ran upstairs.

They put a pair of insulated mats behind a hiding place on the roof. Low Light aimed the spotting scope towards the area where they had been patrolling. "Ted, cover the north-east corner."

"Got it." Ted replied, getting into position and putting his binoculars on a bipod stand.

* * *

"Will, please be careful…" Elizabeth said as she saw him buckle on his sword and take up a musket and a pistol.

"As always, my love." Will Turner replied, kissing her lightly. He put his hand on her stomach and could feel the kicking of the baby.

"Will, we had best be along." Jack said, his face poking through. A shore party of Will, Alan, Jack, and Gibbs was set to move ashore in a row boat, "Check the long boat before we get her ashore."

As they walked back on deck, Anamaria (AN: the female pirate from POTC) stopped Jack. "The Black Pearl is yours love." Jack said, his voice sounding a good deal more careworn than that of the free spirited buccaneer he had been before the Heartless invasion.

"I'll return her to you in the same shape." Anamaria replied, and with a wry smile, "In better shape than you left mine…"

"That was a slightly different situation darling…" Jack replied, with a slightly sheepish expression on his face, remembering that particular incident.

"Either way. Come back safe, love."

Jack kissed her tenderly and said, "Always."

Mr. Cotton, the mute sailor with the parrot on his right shoulder, was helping Alan and Will make final preparations on the row boat. Anamaria came to the bowline and Cotton to the stern line and they lowered the boat to the water after Jack and the rest of the shore party climbed onto her.

Will was at the oars, Jack was at the stern, Alan and Gibbs were on the bow. As soon as they got further up the river, Alan and Gibbs would wade ashore and find a place to hide the boat. Alan heard a silent voice in his head. One single word: _Here._

Their boat came ashore at the riverbank and both Alan and Gibbs waded ashore in thigh deep water. Seeing no Heartless, they motioned the boat to the bank and the four man team hid the boat under some branches and in a stand of brush.

They heard the sound of movement coming from over the hill. Alan motioned for them to hide and over the hill they saw two men in strange outfits, one carrying a telescope sighted rifle of some kind.

* * *

"I swear I saw something." Tunnel Rat whispered to Sci-Fi, as he pointed at the river bank.

"It must've been an animal or something." Sci-Fi replied, hefting his telescope sighted CAR-15.

The two men moved off into the night.

* * *

"That was close." Alan said.

"Aye." Jack replied.

"Such a strange world," Will began, spitting angrily, thinking of the many people lost to the Heartless, "Do you think the inhabitants know of the plague yet?"

They walked further down the bank and Alan indicated a trail of fluid that smelt familiar. They followed the trail, and Gibbs moved the brush aside. "I think it be a safe bet, lad." He replied, indicating a dying Heartless.

It was then that they heard a pistol discharge. A Soldier Heartless fell dead to the ground at Alan's feet and the Scotsman had already drawn his sword. Almost instantly a large force of creatures descended on the band of heroes.

Alan slashed a Shadow Heartless across the midsection with his sword, but a Pirate Heartless was ready to run him through. Will stepped in, swinging his cutlass and the two fought with their swords. Gibbs was fighting with his pistols and dagger at close range against several Soldier Heartless.

"Gibbs!" Jack shouted and impaled one of the Soldiers up to the hilt of his cutlass.

* * *

At the sound of the gunshots, Low Light aimed the spotting scope and saw two dozen Heartless attacking four men dressed in 17th Century garb. He shouted, "Ted, get over here."

The Canadian rushed with his rifle to Low Light's side of the roof and Low Light said, "There's four people being attacked down there."

Instantly Ted was on the radio calling downstairs to summon Emily, Cover Girl, Shipwreck and Roadblock. As he did so, Low Light took aim on one of the creatures with the PSG-1. It was like the creatures on Airtight's dissection table but it was a bit taller, wore a metal knight's helmet, and had blue armor with a seal of a crossed out heart on it. He centered the crosshairs on its head and squeezed the trigger, splitting the creature's skull with his bullet.

Through his binoculars, Ted could see Tunnel Rat and Sci-Fi heading towards the creature. He picked up his own rifle and centered his crosshairs on a closer creature, one bearing a sword and about to kill the young fellow with a mustache. He squeezed the trigger.

* * *

In the midst of the fight, Will Turner heard the sound of a body striking the ground. He spun round to see a Pirate Heartless fall, black blood gushing in lazy spurts from its body. They were receiving help from marksmen some distance away.

Jack Sparrow fought at a half sword's length against three Pirates. A small, shallow, but painful cut seeped blood onto his torn shirt. One of his attackers fell dead, a bullet through the skull and almost immediately the other two were flattened by a weapon the like of which he'd never seen before. He saw the strange soldier in the neon green outfit and the other was a large, muscular and bald black man with a bullet spitting, bizarre gun with a box underneath it.

Gibbs had a Soldier Heartless on top of him and he wrestled in the mud with it. A bearded man bearing two strange looking pistols rushed to his side, put the pistol to the creature's temple and said two words: "Dodge this."

Shipwreck fired one of his Desert Eagles and the heavy .50 Action Express bullet almost totally obliterated the Soldier Heartless' head. "I didn't know these damn things came in so many kinds."

A Pirate Heartless swung a sword at Shipwreck, slashing towards his head. Roadblock promptly flattened him with his M249 SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon) and the sword only gave Shipwreck a rather nasty cut on the forearm. He spun, aiming his Desert Eagle.

"Shipwreck, get that thing outta my face, unless you want your bearded head brained with a mace!" Roadblock shouted.

"Sorry Roadblock…WATCH OUT!" Shipwreck shouted and fired both his Desert Eagles simultaneously at a Soldier Heartless that jumped on a tree, ready to drop kick Roadblock's head. The force of the gunshots sent the creature flying into the side of the Humvee.

Cover Girl was blasting away at the other Heartless with the M240G medium machinegun on top of the vehicle. Within minutes the Heartless were killed off, leaving the Joes facing the four mysterious characters.

"OK, my million dollar question." Shipwreck said, "Who are you guys?"

"Will Turner. This is Mr. Gibbs," Will turned to the balding gent Shipwreck had just saved and introduced the others by turn.

"Alan Breck." Will continued, indicating the man with the gray trench coat, his sword bloodied with the black blood of the Heartless.

"Jack Sparrow." Will pointed at the eccentric looking gent with the pirate getup. In fact all four of them looked like pirates from the Carribean.

"Captain Jack Sparrow." The pirate corrected.

"Shipwreck Delgado."

"I see you must be the captain of this merry band." Jack commented, wryly.

"Awk! Him a captain? God forbid! God forbid!" Polly remarked, flapping his wings.

"Aw shut up bird!" Shipwreck shouted as he holstered his pistols.

"I see we've got a lot to discuss." Roadblock said, "But let's go off to the house for that, not to raise a fuss."

"I see you've run afoul of the Heartless." Alan began.

"So that's what these things are?" Sci-Fi asked.

"Aye. They destroyed my world and they seek the destruction of yours as well." Alan replied.

"How can we stop them?" Roadblock asked.

"According to what we've found," Jack interjected, "We need a weapon known as the Keyblade."

"It is on your world." Alan replied, "That we are sure of."

"We'd best get to the house and discuss this." Sci-Fi replied, "But how do you guys know all this?"

"That, my friends, is a long story." Jack said.

From the bushes, Firefly watched the affair unfold. Stealth and shadow was his allies and nothing more in darkness…

* * *

TBC (Next: Our heroes discover who and what exactly plagues them.) 


	4. The Tale of the Black Pearl

The Tale of the Black Pearl

Disclaimer: Same as before…

* * *

The Misfits and their handlers were crammed into the living room of Misfit Manor while Alan Breck, Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, and Mr. Gibbs stood in the middle of the floor. The Black Pearl had anchored offshore, under the protection of GI Joe's air cover. Elizabeth had been brought ashore, and after a medical examination on the health of her baby was now sitting on the couch, next to Will.

"The creatures you've been finding are called Heartless." Jack began, "They destroyed me world."

"And mine as well." Alan replied, as he wiped down the gleaming sword with a rag, wiping away the sticky black blood of the Heartless he had killed.

"Where do they come from?" Emily asked.

"They come from an experiment gone bad." Gibbs replied, "In a faraway land, there was a king named Ansem, whose fascination with the dark lead him to unspeakable acts."

"What do you mean?" Cover Girl asked.

"Within a person's heart there is light and there is dark. The Heartless are born of the darkness inside people's hearts." Will began.

"So what about this Ansem guy?" Shipwreck began.

"Ansem sought to experiment on the darkness in people's heart. He experimented on his own people." Alan picked up the slack, "He extracted the darkness from peoples' hearts and injected it into pure ones. Overcome by the darkness creatures began to emerge…"

"Heartless?" Althea asked.

"Yes." Alan replied.

"What about those other weird armed ones that we killed?" Low Light asked.

"These were artificial Heartless, created in Ansem's other experiments. They are stamped with the crossed out heart." Elizabeth chimed in.

"So what do they want?" Emily asked.

"The Heartless seek the hearts of other beings." Jack replied, "And the hearts of worlds."

"What?" Lance asked, "Hearts of worlds?"

"Worlds, like men, have hearts." Alan replied, "And the Heartless seek to consume both, as they did to my world."

Alan remembered the final clash. The sound of cannons roaring, as the traitor MacDonald stood atop a hill, with the men of his clan, watching as the Highlanders charged the Heartless ranks. Two ranks of Lowlanders had already broken and fled the field; the right flank of under the Duke of Argyll was fighting valiantly against a force of Fat Bandits, Fire Bandits, and Soldiers. Many men of Prince James' army met their end that day.

"Alan?" Will asked his crewmate, concerned.

"Yes." Alan replied, "My world, my Scotland is now a memory. I will not rest until I've restored it and killed the traitor."

"Traitor? Why would someone side with the Heartless?" Shipwreck asked.

"Easy." Alan replied, "Wealth, personal gain, for the traitor, prestige and the throne. What more could you ask for than a great and powerful force like the Heartless. But there comes a price for making a deal with the Heartless. The Heartless ultimately consume those who call upon them."

"So whoever your greatest enemy is, he may call on the Heartless." Gibbs asked.

"Who is he?" Alan asked.

"You want a list?" Lance asked, "We've got tons of enemies. Magneto, The Hellfire Club, The Acolytes. That list is longer than Gibbs' sideburns! No offense."

"Non taken." Gibbs replied.

"If any of them side with the Heartless…" Blind Master began.

"…Then we could have a problem." Cover Girl concluded.

"That's an understatement if I ever heard one." Ted replied.

"How can we stop them? That's my million dollar question." Shipwreck quipped.

"The only sure way to stop them is with the Keyblade." Alan replied, "But we do not know where or when it shall be found."

"We're not getting anywhere staying up late. So I propose we go end the debate." Roadblock said, "And get some rest, that would be best."

"Agreed." Lowlight said.

"Emily, you and Ted are on watch till one, when Cover Girl and Shipwreck relieve you." Roadblock ordered.

* * *

"Are you sure he is the one?" Alan Breck asked as the two men walked outside.

"The wielder of the Keyblade is here. I know it." Jack Sparrow replied.

"But who is it?" Alan replied, "The Oracle foretold that it is my destiny to shield him."

"It is the young Avalanche who we seek." Jack replied.

"Are you sure?" Alan replied, "Are you sure Lance is whom we seek?"

"It is this world that is the focal point." Jack replied, "The needle on the compass indicated it."

"Are you sure he is the one who will wield the Keyblade?" Alan asked.

"The compass has never led us astray. We found the Scrolls of Prophesy with them. We found the pages of Ansem's Report. We have found the Keyblade's wielder." Jack replied.

"Why not tell them, then?" Alan replied.

"We don't know anything about them, or this world." Jack said, "Or if we can trust them…"

The two men did not see a shimmering shape sneak away from them. As they walked on, Xi revealed himself. Silently he headed to where Emily and Ted were hiding. His golden glowing eyes widened when he heard the news. That Lance was the welder of the Keyblade.

Meanwhile, Ted walked into the kitchen and Emily handed him a cup of coffee, "You're too kind."

"I just updated the security cameras and recalibrated the sensors to alert us if the Heartless put in another appearance." Emily said.

"I had Xi shadow our new friends. Call it paranoid, but years with Israeli Security Forces taught me that." Ted replied.

"And speak of the devil." Emily began, when Xi walked into the room.

"I have some news of interest." Xi began, "It seems our new friends are not being entirely truthful."

"What did you find?" Emily asked.

"Well, they know who the wielder of the Keyblade is." Xi replied, "But for some reason they don't trust us."

"Who is it?" Ted replied.

"Lance." Xi replied.

It was then that all further conversation was disrupted by screaming from upstairs, the screaming of a lost soul.

* * *

Lance felt the softness of Kitty's touch, her fingers gently stroking his cheek. He smiled lovingly at her, gazing into those lovely blue eyes. He drew her close to him, his left arm around her shoulders. Her slender arms wrapped themselves around his neck as she drew closer to him. Kitty tilted her head slightly so their noses wouldn't bump and Lance felt sheer bliss as her soft, warm lips pressed against his own…

…And then Kitty was seized suddenly by things that looked like those Heartless creatures the adults fought earlier that day. These things were just like them, but had huge leathery wings. Despite Lance's best efforts they carried Kitty away and somehow she was unable to phase through their grasps.

Now Lance found himself in what looked like a medieval dungeon. The stench of straw rotting mixed with that of mildew and carried the unmistakable copper scent of blood. The light was barely present, coming from thin shafts of sunlight poking through small and narrow windows and the occasional torch.

He heard a moan just then, of someone in great pain. He rushed over the source and froze in horror. Kitty was chained to the wall by her wrists, a power inhibitor around her neck, and kneeling on the floor. Her left eye was swollen shut, her right barely open as she struggled to maintain consciousness. There were cuts and bruises all over her and the unmistakable scent of burned flesh from electric shock emanated from her.

"Lance…" Kitty groaned in pain.

"Oh my God, Kitty, don't worry! I'm here to help you!" Lance shouted.

Just as he got to a little over an arm's length an invisible force lifted Kitty up, so that she hung in midair, as far as her chains would allow. It was then that a hooded figure bearing a staff stepped into the light. It muttered a few inarticulate words and sent bolts of pure magical energy ripping into Kitty…

"NO!" Lance screamed and sat bolt upright in bed.

Just then the door to his room opened, Alan and Jack charged in swords drawn, followed by Emily and Ted with drawn pistols.

"Lance, what happened?" Emily asked.

"I…I just had a dream…I saw something…Kitty, she was in pain." Lance stammered.

"Lance, she's fine." Ted reassured, "She's safe and in bed back at the Institute."

"You don't know that!" Lance spat back.

"Lance, calm down…" Ted began, "We'll talk to Xavier and find out what's going on."

"Can I talk to her, please?" Lance pleaded.

Ted nodded and walked downstairs with Lance, leaving Emily, Jack, and Alan upstairs. "Listen," Emily began, "I wonder why you weren't being entirely truthful with us."

"What do you mean?" Alan replied.

"Your furtive conversation about Lance wielding the Keyblade, for one thing, was a dead give away." Emily replied.

"How do you know about that?" Jack asked, menacingly.

"The walls have ears here." Emily replied, not wanting to give Xi away as a source just yet.

"The Oracle told us not to reveal to the wielder of the Keyblade until he is ready." Alan began.

"And Lance is supposed to know how to wield this thing?" Emily asked, skeptically.

"He should." Alan replied.

"But he's no sword fighter." Emily protested, "Someone should train him to wield a sword, if he's to carry one."

"We will tell him in the morning." Jack replied, "He must know what it is his destiny to do."

Somehow Jack's tone didn't assure Emily in the least, and she was only one of the junior members of the Misfits.

* * *

"Yeah, I'm glad your OK. I'm really sorry I called so late, but I was really worried about you." Lance said, "OK, I'll see you later."

Lance breathed an audible sigh of relief as he hung up the phone. Spirit came downstairs just then, having been awakened by Emily during the course of his phone call.

"Dad, I can explain…" Lance began.

"No need." Spirit said, calmly, "Emily explained everything to me, including your nightmare. What did you see?"

"It was Kitty. She was in pain. I know that things are kind of on hold with us right now, but I'm still afraid. I still love her." Lance replied, "Something's wrong, I know it."

"It was just a dream." Ted interjected, "You know she's alright."

"I still think something's really wrong." Lance replied.

"Dreams are like reflections in a pool, sometimes visions are clear, or they are like shadows in a pond, never taking shape." Spirit replied soothingly.

"I still…" Lance stammered.

"I know you still care for her, and your worried. Who wouldn't be if they had such a disturbing dream." Spirit said, leading his son back upstairs to his bedroom.

* * *

Firefly remained hidden in the brush. The Joes had increased the sensory coverage all around the Pit since the Heartless attacked, he had to be cautious. If he wished to contact them, without compromising himself, he would have to be stealthy.

He stank, he itched, he chafed. His stomach growled from not having eaten in several days, only drinking mouthfuls of water from the river. His uniform was torn, after fleeing the horrific scene he had witnessed with barely any weapons or supplies. He knew that the Joes were his only aid, the enemy of his enemy was his friend…

* * *

TBC 


	5. The Wielder

The Wielder

Disclaimer: Same as before.

* * *

"Where could Avalanche have gotten to?" Cover Girl asked.

"I haven't seen him. He just disappeared." Shipwreck replied.

"How could he have gotten by the night watch?" Emily asked, as she and the others stood in the kitchen, nursing a cup of coffee.

"Easy, Round 572 of Polly vs. Shipwreck." Althea replied, "They were arguing about which was the better pizza place. Papa Johns or Pizza Hut."

"Papa Johns!" Shipwreck shouted shaking his fist.

"Pizza Hut!" Polly flapped his wings.

"And what about the other watch, Leatherneck and Wetsuit?" Emily asked.

"Some genius had the idea of putting those two on the same watch." Low Light quipped.

"How was I supposed to know Leatherneck and Wetsuit would spend their shift arguing about the Yankees and the Red Sox?" Emily asked.

"Well, the baguette fight in the cafeteria was the perfect clue, while they argued about the ending of Club Dread was a perfect clue." Shipwreck added.

"Quiet you!" Cover Girl interjected, "We've got other missing people too. Where on Earth could Ted have gotten too?"

* * *

Lance stared out at the canyon lands he had created through his sleep terraforming. He was sitting on top of a fairly large boulder and stared off into the rising sun. He heard a voice behind him say, "I thought I'd find you here."

Lance turned to see Ted behind him, "How'd you know?"

"Places like this are kinda peaceful for me." Ted replied, "Hell, I always love to go outside when I gotta think, when I gotta be alone with my own thoughts. What gives?"

Lance didn't say anything. Ted was a pretty cool guy, but he was still a stranger. Why would a Canadian join the Israeli military? Why did he disappear for almost eight years?

"What did you dream about?" Ted asked.

Lance wasn't sure why he confessed it, "It was Kitty. She was in pain…Some hooded guy was torturing her."

Ted realized it was best to let the kid get it all off his chest, "I can't believe that two faced Russkie, he just made yet another date with her. She hasn't called me in about two weeks, my e-mails have gone unanswered, and she's always away on AIM."

"Maybe there's some reason for it. After all, I'm sure the X-men training schedule is about as intense as ours." Ted replied.

"Or maybe the Heartless got to her?" Lance asked.

"Lance, we called Xavier last night, nothing remotely resembling what happened in your dream came about. Kitty's safe and sound." Ted replied.

"I can't believe she just cut me off like that." Lance replied, "I mean, I thought we were still friends, and I've barely heard from her."

"Whatever you do, Lance, don't give up on her." Ted replied, "I've done that myself and lived to regret it. Now, let's get back…"

"Wait a minute, is that why you went to Israel, even if you're a Canadian?" Lance asked.

"In a nutshell." Ted replied.

"Where did that happen? When did that happen?" Lance asked.

"We'd best be going." Ted replied, lowering his sunglasses. As they walked back towards Misfit Manor, Ted suddenly dropped to one knee and aimed his CAR-15 at a nearby bush. Out of the brush came Firefly.

"Lance, run back to the house. I've got this bastard." Ted replied, "Freeze!"

Firefly had a drawn pistol. Both men had weapons aimed at the other's heads at less than fifteen meters distance. It was a classic Mexican standoff.

"If you shoot me…you can't stop me from pulling the trigger. At this distance you'll die." Firefly replied.

"Same for you, pal." Ted replied coldly, "You shoot me, nothing's gonna stop my finger from squeezing that trigger and sending not one but three rounds right into your head."

"So if either of us fire, we're both dead." Firefly noted wryly.

"What do you want?" Ted asked.

"Not to die, obviously. Lower your weapon and take me to the others." Firefly began.

"How stupid do you take me for?" Ted replied, covering Firefly with his weapon.

"I gather that's a rhetorical question." Firefly asked, in an antagonistic tone, "You earned a bachelor's degree in history at Oxford and threw away graduate schooling and a promising career in archaeology to run off on some Crusade to Israel."

Ted was determined not to let this snaky little bastard get under his skin, "What do you want, &#$?"

"Ah, nice touch of Hebrew profanity." Firefly began.

"It wasn't Hebrew, moron that was Arabic. And it translates into 'eater of camel dung' in case you were wondering." Ted replied.

"I have information on those creatures that you've been facing. If you die, GI Joe loses no one of note. If I die, your ability to capitalize on that information dies with me." Firefly began.

"Fine, lower your weapon and I will lower mine." Ted replied, beginning to lower his own rifle and Firefly lowered his pistol and the two men walked towards Misfit Manor, neither letting the other out of his sight.

* * *

Lance burst into the kitchen nearly out of breath from running full tilt to the house, all the while expecting bullets to tear into him.

"Lance, where the hell were you?" Wavedancer asked.

"Guys, no time! Firefly, he's here!" Lance gasped.

"Firefly?" Emily asked.

"Firefly, he's a COBRA saboteur with a really nasty disposition." Cover Girl explained, not missing a beat.

"What's he doing at the Pit? Where's Ted?" Emily asked.

Shipwreck already had both Desert Eagles drawn and .50 Action Express rounds chambered in each weapon. "If Firefly's around…"

"Blob, Xi, Quicksilver, Toad come with us." Althea said, calling their strongest and fastest fighters in case Firefly had somehow overcome Ted or the Joes following them.

As they walked out the doorway they saw a fellow in a tattered gray uniform and mask with a familiar fellow wearing the olive drab green fatigues of the Israeli Defense Force, polarized sunglasses, and modified hiking boots. Firefly and Ted.

"He's under control, and he supposedly has some information we might need." Ted replied.

"Lead him inside." Shipwreck replied.

"Wait, shouldn't we question him elsewhere?" Emily asked as they led them inside, "A place he can't possibly escape from?"

"If Firefly tries to escape." Wavedancer began, "He'll have _us _to fight through. If he somehow fights through Shipwreck, Roadblock, and Lowlight or the rest of the adults, he'll have to get through the defense grid that Trinity designed. And trust me on this one, whatever it is, it won't be pretty…"

"AAGGGHHH!" Firefly shouted as he was shocked by a sudden and violent surge of electricity.

"Whoops." Shipwreck said, casually, "I should've warned you about the lightning launching sprinkler heads Trinity installed yesterday…"

"I don't know Shipwreck," Low Light quipped, "I don't think I want Kentucky Fried Cobra for dinner."

"I'd eaten a snake or two too many during desert survival training." Ted quipped, "I'm none to thrilled of the experience."

"Any other maniacal devices I should be aware of?" Firefly asked.

"Just an antipersonnel toddler or two." Cover Girl quipped.

"Bat!" Barney said, whacking Firefly in the leg as he walked by.

Claudius whacked Firefly with a flipper right in the Achilles tendon. "Whack!"

"Get those little demons away from me!" Firefly began, cocking back his foot to kick one of the kids.

"Sit." Shipwreck said, indicating one of the chairs by the kitchen table. Roadblock and Lowlight joined him.

"Lance," Cover Girl said, gently, "The men from the Black Pearl have something they want to share with you. Spirit's up there with them waiting for you, with the Blind Master."

Cover Girl gently escorted Lance upstairs, the latter sporting a very worried look on his face. They had met these guys less than a day ago and they seemed to be bearing some big news for him. Just what could it be? _This can't be good. _Lance thought.

"My million dollar question is what on earth are you doing here?" Shipwreck said, as he faced Firefly while sitting across the table from him.

"Those creatures you've been facing." Firefly replied.

"You mean the Heartless?" Roadblock began.

"Yes." Firefly replied, "Roadblock, are you familiar with the COBRA Sidewinder Unit, specifically that rather nasty unit of saboteurs that's been probing the defense grid lately?"

"Yes, but what does that have to do with it?" Roadblock asked.

"They stopped attacking the base over a month ago." Lowlight said, "And we assumed that they'd been pulled of the assignment of probing our defenses."

"I trained, equipped, and primed those men." Firefly began, expression inscrutable underneath the mask, "For nearly two years I watched as they grew more proficient. Then it changed. Xamot and Tomax approached me with a proposition."

"What kind of proposition?" Shipwreck asked.

"They came to me saying that Cobra Commander himself wanted to accelerate the timetable of Operation Undermine, our probe of your defenses. They also sent word to me that Mindbender had been in contact with people who had been enhancing the overall performance of the Crimson Guard. I was invited to watch a demonstration and I could see the endless possibilities, how I could possibly pass this on to my troops, to enhance their performance in these covert operations. So I allowed those vultures to send Mindbender to my unit and conduct these treatments. And it was a great success. At first." Firefly replied.

"At first?" Roadblock asked.

"Remember eight months ago, the COBRA saboteurs sprang the Baroness from the brig?" Shipwreck replied.

"That's right. The raid where I'm told that one of your men, Law, said that the Vipers from Sidewinder had to be on some kind of drugs." Firefly said, "Then things started to change. The men began to change. Their skin started to crumble and their blood turned black. Antennae began to spring from their foreheads. Claws formed on hands. Eyes glowed yellow."

"Why didn't you change?" Shipwreck asked.

"I did not change because I was suspicious." Firefly said, "One after another I watched my men transform, no, degrade into those things. I watched my best men turn into little more than mindless slaves."

"Imagine that." Lowlight quipped.

"So if you didn't trust Mindbender, why did you let your men undergo the testing?" Shipwreck asked.

"Do you think I don't regret that?" Firefly asked, "I believed the reassurances that Xamot and Tomax fed me. I was wrong. Mindbender betrayed us. My men all turned on me, even those that hadn't fully turned into Heartless and they tried to kill me. I had no place else to flee."

"Then why do you want to help us?" Lowlight asked.

"For a simple reason, really. Revenge." Firefly replied.

* * *

Lance walked upstairs, into his bedroom, after Cover Girl opened the door and gestured him to enter. Sitting on the bed was Spirit and on chairs across from him were Alan, Will, and Jack.

"What's going on?" Lance asked as he sat beside Spirit.

"There's something we wish to let you know." Alan replied, solemnly.

"Do you remember the Keyblade, son?" Jack asked.

"That weird weapon that you say can stop the Heartless?" Lance asked in reply.

"Yes lad." Alan replied, "That weapon has not been seen for quite some time."

"How do we make it appear?" Lance asked. _And what the hell does this have to do with me? _

"A worthy bearer must be found. The Keyblade chooses its wielder." Jack replied.

"And…" Lance replied, and then it hit him with the brute force kick of a cup of BA's coffee, "It's me? _I'm _the worthy bearer?"

"Why me? Why am _I _worthy? What makes _me_ the person to save the world?" Lance asked each question in rapid succession standing up.

"That's why Kitty was in pain in my dream last night!" Lance continued, "They're going to use her to get to me!"

"That would be what they would resort to." Alan replied.

"How can you be so calm?" Lance asked, "You come onto our world, together with these Heartless things, and then you tell me _I'm _the one to stop _them_."

Tears streamed into Lance's eyes, he was ashamed, he felt so weak, so helpless, even if this supposedly powerful weapon was going to be at his disposal, "If I fail. We all die. This whole world will be destroyed? I don't want that kind of responsibility."

"But it is yours, Lance." Spirit said, standing up beside his adopted son, putting his strong arm around Lance's shoulders.

"But what if I fail? What if the Heartless kill me? What if COBRA kills me? What if I'm not strong enough." Lance sniffled.

"You won't bear this burden alone my son." Spirit replied, "I will be at your side every step of the way."

"We won't let you bear this alone, Lance." Will replied, "My wife and my child are at risk too. I will fight alongside you. I will teach you all I know about wielding a sword."

"As will I." Alan replied, "Too much of the blood of my countrymen has been spilled to keep me from aiding the wielder of the Keyblade."

"Aye, and you have my word as captain of the Black Pearl. I swear on pain of death I will stand by you as well." Jack replied.

"We will train you so that you will be ready to face this." Spirit said, "You will be strong enough to wield the Keyblade and defeat the Heartless."

Spirit held Lance closer to his side, feeling the boy's tears soak into his shirt. _I pray to you, Great Spirit, that my son will be ready to bear this great burden. _Spirit thought.

* * *

TBC (Up next: the news will be broken to the X-men, the two teams will meet, and another crossover will be added.) 


	6. Cookies, Disco, and Demons

Cookies, Disco, and Demons

Disclaimer: Same as before…This story runs in parallel with my story, _Journey of a Halliwell_. I also do not own the movie _Once Upon a Time in Mexico _or the series Charmed

Many thanks to RoguefanKC for being the first to crossover Charmed with the Misfits.

AN: Refer to Red Witch's Night of the Firefly about his attack on the Xavier Mansion.

* * *

"Friends! Friends! I have friends!" Xi said as he raced frantically about Misfit Manor, hugging anyone who stood still for even 1/1000th of a second. 

"OK, who gave Xi cookies this time?" Pitor of the X-men shouted as he struggled to dislodge Xi's stranglehold like hug around his neck.

"It wasn't me." Lance said, innocently.

"Avalanche!" Scott shouted. The X-men arrived at the Misfit Manor for a very important briefing from General Hawk. Not two seconds after they showed up, they were promptly tackled and hugged by a very intoxicated Xi wearing bell bottoms and other 70s disco clothing.

"C'mon, let's get down and boogie!" Xi shouted excitedly, as he pulled Scott into a John Travolta stance.

"Let's not and say we did." Scott replied.

"Come on, Summers, you gotta admit this is funny." Lance quipped.

Meanwhile Xi somersaulted into the air singing, "Oh that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it! Uh-huh, uh-huh!"

He landed on top of Pitor's shoulders and began to start doing Travolta moves on top of his head. "Get off me you lunatic!" Pitor shouted and armored up.

"I'll get him!" Bobby shouted, powering up.

"No Iceman don't, you'll…" Jean began. Bobby splashed at Xi with a shower of ice. Unfortunately Xi did a backwards handspring off of Pitor's shoulders and landed squarely onto Xavier's lap.

"…Freeze his face." Jean continued. Pitor's face was now a solid block of ice and Amara used her powers to melt the ice, but subsequently heated the armor and gave Pitor the equivalent of several bad sunburns. Had it not been for the armor, Pitor's face would have been incinerated.

Lance laughed hysterically at the now red faced Pitor, "Do you know that metal is a good heat conductor…"

"Alvers!" Pitor shouted.

"Shake shake shake! Shake shake shake! Shake your booty!" Xi shouted as he gyrated around the floor, on the walls, and on the ceiling in various disco dancing forms.

"Didn't you guys know about Xi's latest disco fascination?" Althea quipped, "He got into it after Psyche Out gave him a KC and the Sunshine Band album for therapy."

"No, you neglected to mention it! Otherwise I would have brought my John Travolta suit." Scott replied sarcastically.

"You got a Travolta suit, Summers? Groovy!" Pietro said as he sped downstairs wearing a flashy white disco suit with a Misfits logo pendant and a fake white afro, "Yo Xi, let me join the party!"

"I'm the boogie man! I'm the boogie man!" Xi sang out as he tried to dance with an extremely baffled X-23.

"Take your paws off my daughter Lizard!" Wolverine bellowed. He hadn't taken two steps before he was surrounded by a whirlwind.

"Come on and sound your funky horn Wolverine!" Pietro shouted, honking a bicycle horn as he ran circles around him.

Logan noticed his reflection in a nearby mirror and saw that he was dressed in bell bottom jeans and a tie-dyed t-shirt with an equally garish tie dyed headband.

"I made costumes for everyone!" Pietro declared.

"Hugs! Hugs! Hugs!" Xi shouted.

CRASH! DINKLE! SMASH! SLASH!

Cover Girl walked into the living room just then and asked, "OK, can someone explain to me why Pietro and Xi are going completely nuts and dancing around like two Saturday Night Fever rejects."

"To be sure, that was a good film." Ted quipped as he and Emily followed the more senior Misfit handler.

"Cookies." Cover Girl exclaimed, "That's the only explanation."

"That and a few dozen pixie sticks." Emily quipped, noticing several of them around the vicinity of the kitchen counter, "And a three pound bag of B.A.'s coffee."

"OK, you guys got the memo about Xi and cookies being a bad combination, didn't you?" Cover Girl replied.

SMASH! CRASH! CRACCKKK!

"OK you guys, listen up! Who gave Xi cookies?" Cover Girl shouted over a bullhorn.

"Wasn't me." Lance grinned innocently.

"Who said anything about giving Xi cookies?" Ted quipped.

Emily punched him on the arm and gave him a very disparaging look. "You gave him cookies?" Emily asked.

"Ha ha ha ha! Staying alive! Staying alive!" Xi sang out.

"You won't be 'staying alive' for long you mutant gecko look alike!" Bobby shouted as ice flew by him close.

"Not if I get him first!" Logan began.

"Nyet! I want first dibs!" Pitor shouted

"See what you started?" Shipwreck remarked as he dodged a flying dinner plate, as he overheard Emily blaming Ted.

"What, I had nothing to do with this!" Ted protested.

Cover Girl head up a credit card bill, the one for the Misfit grocery account, "Who bought two dozen gingerbread cookies last week?"

"That could have been for anyone." Ted replied.

"No." Cover Girl said, evenly, "I think _you _went grocery shopping both times last week."

"Damn it, I knew I should've used cash." Ted groaned.

"Normally _we _trash _their_ place." Shipwreck grumbled, "Say, that's not a bad idea, give Xi cookies and..."

"Oh no you don't Shipwreck!" Cover Girl countered.

"Ha ha ha ha! Staying Alive!" Xi shouted, John Travolta dancing across the floor.

Forge now was following Xi's lead, "Groovy man."

Forge, Xi, and Pietro were disco dancing across the floor. And Ted watched as Cover Girl, Emily, and now Shipwreck were looking on in amazement. Lance and Pitor were rolling around the floor, punching, gouging and wrestling each other while Kitty stood over them shouting frantically for them to stop fighting.

"Somebody's got KP for a month." Cover Girl said, looking straight at Ted.

The Canadian protested, "I had nothing to do with this."

"Boy I'm glad I'm not in your shoes…" Shipwreck quipped.

"And you, Mr. I know _somebody _told Ted that gingerbread cookies are **_especially _**potent on Xi." Cover Girl said, "You two are definitely on KP duty for the next month."

"Rock head!"

"Metal mouth!"

"Whack Job!" Rogue shouted.

"Psycho!" Wanda countered, and objects began to take lives of their own.

"Ha ha ha ha! Staying Alive! Staying Alive!"

The sound of more breaking items could be heard echoing throughout Misfit Manor.

* * *

Much later, the kids had been calmed, or what passed for calmed and they sat clustered around the living room as Alan Breck and the crew of the Black Pearl joined the Misfits and their handlers. 

"What is it you wanted us to discuss, Roadblock?" asked Xavier, "Or did you invite us for destruction and disco dancing…"

"Ha ha ha ha! Staying alive…" Xi began, still on the tail end of detoxifying from the gingerbread cookies.

Blob said, "Not now, maybe later you can have your little disco dancing session."

"Mmmpphhh!" Pietro said, from the coffee table. After a hectic half hour the Misfits and X-men had wrapped Pietro up like a mummy and duct taped him to the table.

"Actually, Professor X," Roadblock began, "It's a serious matter, as I expect."

"What is it?" Professor X asked.

"Earlier this week we encountered some creatures out in the woods near the Manor." Ted began, "They were about three or four feet tall with glowing yellow eyes and antennae. They started to appear in larger and larger groups around here around Monday of this week."

Just then Firefly walked into the room. "What's he doing here?" Tabitha demanded.

"Nice to see you too." Firefly quipped.

"You weren't exactly polite when you shoved Multiple around, asshole." Tabitha countered.

"When was this?" Emily asked, appalled that anyone would beat up on a child.

"It was the Night of the Firefly." Tabitha replied.

"He's a child!" Emily said, in a rather heated tone, to Firefly, "How could you shove one around like that?"

"Hey! I'm not a child!" Jamie protested.

"Easy, with not as much force as I'd shove an adult around." Firefly smirked under his mask.

"That may have been in the past, but you shove any of these kids around, I'll plaster you full of holes." Ted replied, coldly.

"It must have hard seeing that school bus in Jerusalem last year," Firefly taunted, "All those children burnt to a crisp...Your source was wrong, the Al-Asqa weren't targeting the school, they were going after the buses. A huge foul-up for the Jerusalem YAMAS unit…"

That was as far as he got before a blow from Ted's fist landed on his jaw. "You're gonna regret that Jew-lover!" Firefly snapped and jumped towards Ted.

Ted launched a knee kick that caught Firefly right in the groin, as the latter's momentum crashed into him. Grappling the two fell, hitting the coffee table on the way down and began punching and gouging one another.

"That's ENOUGH!" Roadblock bellowed angrily, "The enemy's the Heartless, not each other. If you don't like it, tough!"

Cover Girl and Blind Master yanked Ted off of Firefly, while Shipwreck yanked Firefly off the floor. The latter, nursing his bruised privates, muttered, "Thanks..."

"Don't thank me." Shipwreck said darkly, "If you harm anyone in this family, Ted's going to have to wait in line while I personally kick the living shit out of you."

"Now, before we were so rudely interrupted," Spirit began, "the creatures we found are known as Heartless. They feed on the hearts of worlds and of people."

"What the hell is _he_ doing here?" Scott demanded, indicating Firefly.

"Those Heartless we killed were members of his unit." Spirit replied.

"If he commands the Heartless, what is he doing here?" Kurt asked.

"He doesn't command them." Cover Girl replied, "They tried to kill him."

"My question is how did COBRA Vipers turn into these Heartless?" Beast asked.

"Xamot and Tomax came to my unit, offering us ways to enhance our physical performance. They showed us Crimson Guardsmen injected with these wonder concoctions. They outperformed my men in every endurance test. I ordered them to undergo the enhancements. At first they outperformed all they opposed, but then they began to get weaker. Hair began to fall out in clumps, skin sloughed away, fingernails fell out, they were bedridden for days and weeks as if near death. But no, death was not their end, I still hear the screams as they felt their hearts collapse inward and in their place were Heartless…"

Logan, despite his dislike for the COBRA saboteur, found the idea of experimentation on soldiers without their knowledge to be deceitful. Inwardly, he fought down memories of his own experimentation, while still looking calm, but he noticed X-23 wasn't nearly as calm. He put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Where was this base?" Scott asked.

"Somewhere in the Mexican desert just south of Rio Grande." Firefly replied.

"Guys," Ted replied, "I may just know someone who could be of help."

"I didn't know the Israeli Border Guard conducted operations in Mexico." Cover Girl replied.

"We don't." Ted replied, "But the CIA sure as hell does."

"How do you know someone in the CIA?" Blind Master said.

"Ex-CIA, actually. He was there around the time of the Barillo Cartel." Ted replied, "It was Once Upon A Time in Mexico that he worked over there. He lives in San Francisco right now. I think I can get some information on this base, or maybe a lead. Just give me twenty-four hours."

"Ted," Roadblock replied, "Why don't we all…"

"He's not overly trusting." Ted replied, "He might not talk if he knows you guys are around. I'll call to check in every four hours."

"We'll teleport in if you need us." Roadblock replied.

"Good, I'll just throw on some civilian clothes before I go. A Canadian with a nearly shaved head in Israeli battle fatigues might draw a few stares." Ted replied, before he left the room, changed, and teleported to San Francisco.

"Now for the rest of us," Roadblock said, "we're going to be finding out more information about the Heartless as well as working together. And that means training…"

"Oh man," Bobby groaned, "Ted gets to go off to San Francisco and go sight seeing and we've gotta train here at the Pit."

"Hello," Althea snapped, "He's on a mission, jerkoff, he's not exactly going to have time to see the sights."

"And besides, why do you want to go to San Francisco anyway." Pietro asked, "All the hot guys?"

"No that would be you, Speedy." Bobby snapped.

"How crass and unoriginal." Pietro quipped.

"Now wait a minute, Pietro…" Tabitha began, "Didn't Miss March say that…"

"Do you guys want proof? Names? Numbers? Bras?" Pietro shouted.

Hours later, when the rioting had died down, Low Light groaned, "I bet Ted's having an easy time in San Francisco…"

"No kidding." Cover Girl replied.

"Guys," Roadblock said, "I hate to be rude, but I've some bad news to give you dude."

"What is it Roadblock?" Low Light asked.

"We just lost contact with Ted." Roadblock replied, "His teleportation watch transmitter is out.."

Severe combat damage was about the only way a Mass Device transmitter could fail to transmit the user's position…

* * *

Ted made his way up the stairs to the third floor apartment. He rapped on the door and a fifteen year old boy of Mexican descent answered. "Is Jeffrey in?" 

"_Si,_" the boy replied, "_Senor _Sands, you have a visitor."

A swarthy man dressed in black, wearing sunglasses with a white-tipped cane walked over. "I heard him come in, Jose." Sands turned towards Ted, "What do you want? Are you another reporter? You want to interview the infamous 'Man With No Eyes'?"

"No, no, and no." Ted replied.

"Wait a second, I recognize you." Sands began, "Ted Griffin? Riverside High School?"

"You've got that in one sitting." Ted replied.

"Yeah, the Canuck Israeli himself." Sands replied, "How have you been?"

"I've been good." Ted replied, "You seem to have changed."

"Yeah, a dentist's drill does kind of put a dampener on one's eyesight." Sands replied, "I was just about to have lunch, would you like to sit down."

"If there's no gun pointed at me when I do so, yes." Ted replied.

"Old habits die hard, my friend." Sands replied, "But in a show of good faith…"

As Sands headed for the dinner table, he put a .45 USP onto the table. A round figured and matronly Mexican woman entered the room.

"That would be my housekeeper, Rafaela. She's Jose's mother." Sands began, "Her Puerco Pibil is excellent."

"Not that excellent, considering you didn't shoot her." Ted quipped.

"Very funny." Rafaela said, "If he shot me, he would have trouble finding _anyone _to make his pibil."

"It's nothing fancy; it is a slow roasted pork that happens to be my favorite." Sands replied, "Oh I forgot, Jews can't eat pork."

"I'm not Jewish, moron." Ted replied, "I'm Catholic."

"You were head over heels for a Jewish girl, that's close enough." Sands replied, "I seem to remember you were on a big _kosher _kick in college when I last saw you here in San Francisco for a semester break."

"Whatever you do," Ted replied, icily, "Do not bring Caitlyn into this again…"

"Ouch." Sands replied, "I had no idea she is still such a touchy subject…"

"Keep that up and your eyes won't be the only round things you'll be missing." Ted replied.

"_Senor _Sands," Jose whispered, "I thought you two were friends?"

"We are." Sands replied, "Insomuch that I haven't shot him."

"Have you met anyone you haven't killed, played mind games with, played bed games with or some combination thereof?" Ted asked.

"Well, I haven't killed you; I've only barely mentioned Caitlyn, who, incidentally, was an unfortunate episode in your life; and I've no intention of taking you to bed." Sands replied.

"Good." Ted replied.

"This has to be something other than a social call." Sands replied, "What do you want? And can it wait for supper?"

"What I want is some info. And I have time to stick around well past supper." Ted replied, "However, it might be best that we discuss this as we eat."

"Depends on what info you want." Sands said, "I may have had a long beat in Mexico, but I don't have all the info."

"What do you know about terrorist organizations and cartels?" Ted asked, "Specifically one known as COBRA."

"COBRA? Not that much. I concentrated a lot of my efforts on the Barillo cartel and its attempted coup d'etat." Sands replied, "However there were rumors of Barillo working together with some group by that name, but I didn't have much to go on."

"So after Armando Barillo died, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, what happened next? Did COBRA move in on his operation?" Ted asked.

"You'll have to ask my replacement." Sands replied, "But before I got transferred out of Mexico, I had quite a bit of funding to create a new counter-terrorist unit to counter the Barillo Cartel. It was called the _Bloque de Busqueda _or 'Search Bloc'. It should still be around, but it's down to about 170 members from the original 600. Since Barillo was outta the picture, the Mexican government, in their infinite wisdom, transferred most of them all over Mexico. Quite a few of them requested transfer."

"Why?" Ted asked.

"They stopped doing operations against the Barillo Cartel and some COBRA faction up in the North." Sands replied.

"Why?" Ted asked.

"I was getting there." Sands replied, irritated, "Anyway, the operations in the north ceased, because contact with both the surviving Barillo members and the COBRA unit had stopped. And there was some bullshit rumor about some mystical heart eating beasts, but…"

At this Ted froze, "Rumor?"

"Supposedly the more superstitious members of the Search Bloc requested transfer or quit entirely. It's mostly small villages no one gives a shit about around that area anyway." Sands replied.

"Small villages, gentlemen." Came a voice, but not belonging to either Sands or Ted. Ted turned to see Rafaela standing behind them, "A rule of magic. Only let them see what you want them to see. But I suspect you gentlemen won't be alive long enough to know that."

Rafaela had a ritualistic but no less deadly dagger in her hands and Ted stood up, pulled the Israeli Military Industries 941F Jericho handgun from the concealed holster underneath his sweater, turned, and fired the weapon four times. The shots sent four 9mm bullets into Rafaela, striking her stomach, torso and neck in rapid succession. The woman laughed contemptuously and vanished, appearing centimeters in front of Ted and knocking him over, the wounds closing up as if they had never been there. She raised the strange looking dagger over her head and with a sudden realization, Ted knew he was going to die as the athame's blade smashed into his teleportation watch.…

* * *

"Sorry." Phoebe Halliwell said as she brushed against a young Hispanic teenager. 

As she did so, an image popped into her mind. The image was of a slightly round figured Mexican woman, her eyes glowing maniacally and holding an athame about to plunge it into an innocent.

"Phoebe?" Paige Matthews asked, turning towards her half sister.

"Oh my God, that kid I bumped into, he's an innocent…Some warlock's after him." Phoebe replied. The two sisters followed the boy up three flights of stairs into the apartment building.

Jose Ruiz-Lopez didn't pay much attention to the young woman that bumped into him, aside from the fact that she was good looking. When she started following him up the stairs he quickened his step, his mind racing. Was she some hitwoman from the Barillo cartel after Sands or his mother?

"Wait!" another woman, following the first, shouted.

Jose quickened his step and opened the door just as a .45 caliber slug flew past his head. Obviously Sands had a visitor that wasn't welcome. Maybe Ted was trying to kill him?

"Careful with that thing you fucking idiot!" a shout echoed out of the room, "You almost took my head off!"

Jose froze at the sight that passed before his eyes in the kitchen. He saw his mother holding some kind of weird looking dagger over her head about to plunge it into the Canadian stranger, Ted. Ted was pushing against her arm while knee kicking her in the ribs and Sands was aiming the USP around, firing towards any sound that he heard.

"Whoa!" Phoebe shouted as a bullet streaked right past her head. A swarthy man in black was aiming an H&K USP right at her head, the .45 caliber bore looking like the barrel of a howitzer to her.

"Gun!" Paige shouted and the USP disappeared from Sands' grasp into her hand.

"What the…?" Sands said.

"Athame!" Paige shouted and the weapon disappeared into her hands.

Paige cocked her arm to throw the knife when the boy leaped at her, "NO! Leave my _madre _alone! _Puta!" _

"Watch your language," Phoebe warned and grabbed the kid's arm, and as she leaned in a circular motion to the ground.

The woman blinked and Phoebe shouted, "Paige! Behind you!"

"I'll take that." Rafaela said, taking the blade, saying, "The infamous Charmed Ones! I will deal with you later…"

The warlock blinked away. "_Madre! Dios mio!" _Jose shouted.

"Easy…easy…" Phoebe said as the boy wrestled against her, sobbing.

"Jose…" came a voice.

Through tears the boy looked up to see an ethereal form standing before them. It was his mother, but it was like she was suspended in mid-air like a ghost…

"Mom!" Jose shouted, "Oh my God! _Dios mio!" _

"Jose, I am fine for now." Rafaela said, "But something terrible has happened. Nazarac has broken free and imprisoned me in her place."

"Nazarac?" Phoebe asked.

"Who the hell are you people?" Sands asked.

Ted got to his feet, aiming his gun. "OK, before we have another Mexican standoff, no offense Jose, let's get one thing straight." Paige said, "We're not here to hurt you people, we're here to help."

"Nazarac is a demon who can take up the form of any human she comes into contact with." Rafaela replied, "She could be anyone."

"Or anything?" Ted replied.

"No, she cannot transform into inanimate objects." Rafaela replied.

"OK, then how do we vanquish her?" Phoebe asked.

"The secret to vanquishing Nazarac was lost 500 years ago, when the Spaniards destroyed the Aztec temples. Quetzalcoatl said that three sisters of great power would defeat Nazarac, but it is not revealed how…" Rafaela said.

"Something tells me we're going to need the Book of Shadows." Phoebe began.

"Way ahead of you." Paige said, jingling her car keys, "C'mon guys, we'll continue this at a safer location."

The group proceeded downstairs, Jose leading Sands down after Phoebe with Ted and Paige bringing up the rear.

* * *

TBC (Up next, Ted meets the Charmed Ones while the Misfits and X-men train together…) 


	7. Some Time in San Francisco

Some Time in San Francisco:  
i.e. What Shall We Do With a Drunken Shipwreck?

Disclaimer: Same as before…I had to reference Red Witch's _What's New Emu_ fic for this one…I also don't own 'A Pirate's Life for Me'.

* * *

"So let me get this straight." Piper Halliwell began, sipping a cup of tea as she spoke to Sands, "You were with an agency you can't name, working in a Spanish speaking country you can't name, and on an operation you can't talk about you got your eyes gouged out with a dentist's drill."

"That's right, sugar buns." Sands replied.

"Way to bring a blind sexist asshole into the house Paige." Piper quipped.

"He'll take that as a compliment." Ted shouted from the kitchen as he cupped his hand over the phone receiver, "No, ma'am this isn't a prank call. I need you to connect me with the Pit immediately."

"And you," Piper whirled on Ted, "What's your story?"

"It's a long one." Ted replied, and then spoke back into the phone at the unseen and recalcitrant telephone operator, "No, ma'am, I am _not _a terrorist, or affiliated with COBRA. Listen lady, if I were a terrorist, do you think I'd be calling this line."

"Believe me, I've heard weirder and longer tales." Piper replied.

"She's right you know." Phoebe interjected.

"Listen, judging from that demon chatter you were going on about, I don't doubt anything." Ted replied, and then shouted back into the phone, "Listen! How many Canadians do you know in the Isalmic Jihad?"

Paige laughed as she imagined some frumpy old woman with a paranoid disposition saying something like, "If you want to make a Federal case out of this fine by me…"

"Damn it!" Ted groaned, "It's the answering machine. They must have already gone after me."

"Who?" Piper asked, "What 'unnamed Federal agency' is going to come knocking on my door?"

"Why do you ask?" Sands asked.

"Gee, maybe so I can put my best dress on and have tea and biscuits ready for them before they drag us off for experimentation." Piper snapped, "Before we get treated like mutants. I don't want some giant robot killing machine chasing us around San Francisco like the X-men got chased through Bayville."

"For the record," Ted replied, "They happen to be mutants themselves, the 'unnamed Federal agency' guys. They're called the Misfits, by the way."

"Wait a second, I've heard of these guys." Phoebe replied, "They're that group of mutants that helped the X-men contain all those mutant emus in Bayville. And caused more than their fair share of damage to multiple FOH meetings."

"FOH?" Paige asked.

"Friends of Humanity." Ted replied, "They're a right wing nut-job group that hates mutants."

"Actually, Piper, about our other friend here, this is what I have." Paige began, "Stop me if I'm wrong, but you're a Canadian who has two archaeologists for parents who went on numerous digs all over Israel. You went to school at Oxford, but after you graduated you went to Israel for some reason and joined the Israeli Border Guard…"

"Actually his reason's name was Caitlyn…" Sands began.

"Shut your trap or I'll remove two other important round objects from your anatomy." Ted replied.

"OK. With friends like that, who needs enemies?" Paige said, "Moving on to the next item, you spent nine years in the Israeli Border Guard, six of them in the YAMAS undercover counterterrorist unit in Judea, Samaria, and Eastern Jerusalem and now you work with GI Joe for an exchange tour."

"GI Joe?" Sands replied, "Those assholes…"

"Watch your language, there are children in the house." Leo warned as he walked downstairs with a sleepy one year old Chris in his arms.

"Daddy, what's an asshole?" Chris asked.

"A word you shouldn't say." Leo replied, looking angrily at Sands, "Who's our new guest?"

"Leo, this is Mr. Sands our innocent. Though I use the term loosely." Piper replied.

"Who's preppy boy here?" Sands asked.

"That's Leo, my husband." Piper replied, "So sorry, I'm already taken."

"You're not even my type anyway." Sands replied.

"What is your type, blind, deaf, and dumb?" Piper asked.

"I told you those two wouldn't get along…" Paige replied.

"Well, if a demon's after him, he's going to need protection of the magical variety." Ted replied.

"Phoebe, who is this Nazarac character anyway?" Piper asked.

"She's a demonic shape shifter. She can take up many forms." Phoebe replied.

"Let's see what the Book of Shadows has to say about this." Piper replied.

"On it." Phoebe replied as she dashed upstairs.

"Book of Shadows? Demons?" Sands asked, "What the hell is all this?"

"Can I ask if you have any enemies? Specifically enemies who might want you dead?" Piper asked.

"Well, I don't know, sister." Sands replied sarcastically, "There are members of the Barillo Cartel, some corrupt agents of the Mexican ATF, COBRA factions…"

"Tell me why we're supposed to protect this asshole again?" Piper began.

"Mommy, don't say bad words." Chris said sleepily.

"Nice parenting." Sands quipped, "Listen to your kid."

"Shut your trap." Piper and Leo both snapped at Sands.

There was a knock on the door just then and Piper motioned for Leo to take Chris upstairs to the bedroom where his brother Wyatt was sleeping. Ted reached for his gun and Sands did so as well.

"Is anyone else freaked out by the fact that there's a blind man with a gun in the room?" Phoebe asked, as she walked downstairs.

"He's actually gotten pretty good with shooting blind." Ted replied.

Paige peered through the window and said, "It's Darryl…"

"Wait!" Piper said, as she walked behind Paige, "You said Nazarac can take any form. Ask Daryl something only he would know…"

"Piper, you can't be serious." Paige began.

"I am." Piper replied.

"OK." Paige replied, "Darryl, who was your old partner before you met me?"

"Andy Trudeau." Darryl replied, "Why do you ask?"

"Come in and we'll explain." Piper replied.

"Who's Darryl?" Ted asked.

"He's a policeman, and if he sees two guns aimed at him…" Phoebe warned. Ted stuck the Israeli handgun into the concealed holster underneath his fleece jacket. Sands did the same.

A tall African-American walked into the house as Paige opened the door. "We just investigated a shootout in an apartment near Golden Gate Park…"

"Darryl we can explain." Paige began.

"Why there were almost a dozen 9mm and .45 caliber bullet holes in the dry wall of the apartment of one Sheldon Jeffrey Sands?" Darryl replied.

"Demonic interference." Phoebe piped in.

"Another demon?" Darryl replied, "Why am I not surprised?"

"Be careful it could be anyone." Piper said.

"Wait a second, so you're saying this demon can change form?" Darryl said.

"Exactly." Piper asked.

"That's why you asked me about Andy at the door, in case this demon somehow took my shape." Darryl began.

"Yes." Paige replied.

"Now this demon is after an innocent man named Sands…" Darryl replied.

"…Though we can hardly term him as innocent." Piper quipped.

"Damn right." Sands replied, "I'm a blind man, but I'm not some helpless damsel in distress that needs to be saved by magical wizards."

"I dunno, I can imagine you wearing a dress." Ted sniped.

"This keeps getting better and better." Darryl said, "So I suppose you gentlemen are responsible for the smashed door, the bullet holes and…"

"Scaring the old lady down the hall, yes." Sands replied.

"I didn't get to that yet, but thanks." Darryl replied, "This sounds like the start of a bad joke, a blind man with a .45 and a Canadian guy with a shaved head with a 9mm…"

"Officer, if you'll allow me to make one phone call, I believe I can explain this…" Ted replied.

"You've got five minutes." Darryl replied.

Ted walked over to the phone and dialed a number, "Yes, Roadblock, this is Ted. I'm alive. As I said earlier some demon lady destroyed my comm device."

After about a minute or so Ted added, "Yes you heard me right. A demon lady who can change form. And no, not this Mystique character you keep referring to."

"This job keeps getting weirder and weirder." Darryl remarked, sighing as Ted argued with this Roadblock character on the other line.

"Tell me about it." Paige replied.

Darryl's mobile went off just then and he picked it up, "Morris…Uh-huh…I see, and why am I needed again? Oh no, not _him _again…Listen keep them on the down low and make sure the meanest guard you can find is watching over him. What he has a friend? Oh God, I'm off to the station."

"What's going on?" Paige asked.

"Apparently a drunk in a sailor suit and a drunk in a pirate getup were disorderly in Golden Gate Park." Darryl replied, "And got arrested for beating up some local punks from the Friends of Humanity to the tune of 'A Pirate's Life For Me'."

"Roadblock, I'll call you back." Ted replied, "What was that again?"

"Two drunks with a nautical motif just beat up a dozen FOH punks to the tune of a Disney pirate movie song my son is so crazy about." Darryl replied.

"Shipwreck." Ted groaned.

"Who?" Paige asked, as she followed Darryl out of the Manor.

"You'll find out." Ted replied as he followed Paige and Darryl.

* * *

"Alright Emily," Roadblock asked, "Who exactly did you send on this search party for Ted?"

"I sent Wavedancer, Toad, Avalanche and Xi because they're our most capable fighters with two Joes and Jack Sparrow volunteered to tag along." Emily replied.

"Which Joes specifically?" Low Light asked.

"I sent Cover Girl and Shipwreck." Emily replied.

"You sent _Shipwreck _out on a search operation? With Sparrow?" Roadblock replied.

"I thought Cover Girl could handle Shipwreck. She almost always does." Emily replied.

"Get ready to post bail." Roadblock quipped, "For I have a feeling someone is in jail…"

* * *

"Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate's life for me!" Shipwreck sang gleefully as he and Jack Sparrow walked through Golden Gate Park with a bottle of rum between them.

"How's that for a good time?" Jack asked.

"Blast! I nearly forgot how great a drink rum can be!" Shipwreck replied.

"Here, let me remind you some more!" Jack began.

"Gladly." Shipwreck said.

"Fags!" Another drunk shouted at them.

"We pillage, we plunder we rifle and loot." Shipwreck sang out as he gleefully knocked out the drunk, "Drink up me hearties, yo ho."

"Hey, no one hits members of the FOH! Prepare to taste cold steel." A thug with FOH stenciled on a denim vest shouted. Polly the parrot flapped over the thug and bit him on the nose.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you it wasn't nice to mess with drunks?" Jack Sparrow began.

"Especially drunk sailors." Shipwreck quipped.

The thug slashed at Shipwreck with a folding knife. "Big mistake son…" Jack said, as he drew out his cutlass and slashed the relatively flimsy folding knife in half.

"Jesus Christ! That thing's real?" the thug said. Meanwhile more San Francisco chapter Friends of Humanity thugs appeared from a nearby copse of trees.

"Who are you people?" another thug asked.

"It's Shipwreck from the Misfits." Duncan Matthews said, "And some idiot in a pirate costume. We can take 'em?"

"Son, I advise you reconsider…" Jack began.

"We outnumber you twelve to two, so you can't advise us on shit!" A thug said, with a nail studded board in his hand.

Duncan smashed the bottle in Shipwreck's hands with the bat. "The rum! They've destroyed the rum! The scalawags!" Jack Sparrow shouted.

"Big mistake…" Shipwreck replied.

"What are you gonna do?" Duncan replied.

A wicked gleam appeared in Shipwreck's eyes and he glanced at Jack, "Are you up for causing a little mayhem, Mr. Sparrow?"

"Certainly." Jack replied.

"Get 'em!" Duncan shouted.

"We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot." Shipwreck sang out as he punched an FOH thug in the mouth, "Drink up me hearties, yo ho."

"Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a pirate's life for me." Jack Sparrow sang out, slashing out with the cutlass, "We extort, we pilfer we filch and sack."

"Drink up me hearties, yo ho." Shipwreck sang as he bashed Duncan's head into the pavement, another thug grabbed Shipwreck around the neck and he drove his elbow into the thug's groin, "Maraud and embezzle and even high-jack…"

"Drink up me hearties yo ho." Jack sung out, fighting at half sword's length with two thugs wielding lengths of steel pipe. He bashed one in the mouth with the hilt of his cutlass, "Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a pirate's life for me…"

"We kindle and char inflame and ignite," Shipwreck sang as he caught and threw a Molotov cocktail back at two thugs that tried to set him aflame, "Drink up me hearties, yo ho."

"Help! Water! Water!" One thug shouted.

"My butt's on fire! My butt's on fire!" The other shouted as they ran around in circles.

"We burn up the city we're really a fright!" Jack shouted as he chased Duncan and two of his cronies around with his cutlass, "Drink up me hearties, yo ho…"

"We're rascals, scoundrels. Villains, and knaves." Shipwreck sang as he bashed two FOH members' heads together, "Drink up me hearties yo ho."

The sirens of a police car could be heard in the distance and Officer's Clancy and Mulligan dismounted to tend to one of the more bizarre civil disturbances of their careers. They saw the twelve members of a local FOH chapter, a bunch of punk kids that they frequently picked up. These kids, thanks to some fellow named Graydon Creed, kept getting bailed out time and again and it annoyed the two officers to see their smug faces. These twelve thugs were running or lying knocked out on the grass, running from a bearded man in a sailor outfit and another bearded man in a pirate getup.

"We're devils and black sheep - really bad eggs." Shipwreck began as he put a metal garbage can on top of Duncan's head, "Drink up me hearties yo ho."

"Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a pirate's life for me." Jack sang as he banged on the garbage can repeatedly with a section of metal pipe, not wanting to dull the edge of his cutlass, "We're beggars and blighters and ne'er do-well cads…"

"Drink up me hearties, yo ho." Shipwreck sang out, as the FOH thugs ran screaming away from them, "Aye, but we're loved by our mommies and dads…"

"Drink up me hearties, yo ho." Jack Sparrow sang out, "Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirate's life for me!"

"HELP!" An FOH thug shouted, bruised and battered he threw himself at Mulligan's feet.

"Save us! They're crazy!" Another began.

"Lock us up! Make us do community service! Just keep us away from them!"

"Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirate's life for me!" Shipwreck and Jack sang as they chased the thugs.

Ducan ran, the trashcan still covering him from the top of his head to just above his hips. He ran smack into a tree and knocked himself unconscious.

"Ah, me hearties, the thrill of a good fight!" Jack Sparrow said.

"Uh, Jack." Shipwreck said, "Something tells me, we're in for it…"

Mulligan and Clancy did not look happy as they eyed the two thugs, "Look, lads," Mulligan began, "As happy as I am that you beat up twelve of the worse FOH hoods in the city, it's still assault…"

* * *

Darryl Morris walked into the station with Paige and Ted in tow. As he headed for the cell block a tall red headed woman, pretty enough to be a model and sporting a US Army tanker's jacket, walked by him grumbling, "I'm not going to kill those two. I'm not going to kill those two…"

"Miss, can I help you?" Darryl asked.

"Yes." The redhead replied, "Do you happen to have a Hector X. Delgado and a Jack Sparrow in custody?"

"Yes." Darryl replied, "Would you like to post bail?"

"Yes. And after I do that, please report a homicide."

"Cover Girl, calm down." Ted warned.

"Ted," Cover Girl replied, "How convenient. I might not want to kill Shipwreck and Jack after this now."

"Let me guess," Paige intervened, "Those are the two idiots that were singing and fighting under the influence?"

"Yeah, and who are you again?" Cover Girl asked, suspiciously eying the other woman.

"Paige Matthews, I'm a social worker with the SFPD." Paige replied, telling a half truth to this 'Cover Girl' person, obviously one of Ted's GI Joe friends.

"So you're posting bail for those two?" Ted asked.

"Attica! Attica! Better conditions for prisoners now!" Polly the parrot squaked from a cage next to Shipwreck's bunk.

"Please post bail." The desk sergeant, a tough looking woman in her forties begged, "That stupid parrot, that drunken sailor, and the pirate wannabe have been driving us crazy for hours."

"Welcome to my life." Cover Girl said as she signed the paperwork and Shipwreck, Jack and Polly were released.

"Who else is with you?" Ted asked.

"Avalanche, Wavedancer, Xi, and Toad, they're outside." Cover Girl replied, "So what did you learn?"

Cover Girl had walked outside with Shipwreck, Jack, Polly, Ted and Paige. Darryl had stayed in the lockup to calm down frazzled prisoners and guards alike.

"Apparently Firefly's base of operations was in northern Mexico and the Mexican police, courtesy of the CIA, formed a unit called the Search Bloc to fight them. But since they turned into Heartless, the Search Bloc has been lying low." Ted replied.

"Heartless?" Paige said.

As Ted opened his mouth to explain, Paige said, "No need to explain."

"You know about these things?" Cover Girl asked.

"More than you think, actually." Paige replied, "We'd better head over to the Manor. There's that shapeshifter lurking around."

The group crammed themselves into Paige's car. The four teenagers that joined them had to sit on each other's laps.

"I don't know about you," Toad replied, "But I'm happy with my seating arrangement."

"Not me." Lance griped, Xi was sitting on his lap.

Finally they reached the Halliwell Manor and Paige opened the door saying, "Piper, no lectures please…"

"Paige, what the?" Piper began, "Who are you guys?"

"Piper," Ted explained, "These are some of my teammates from the Misfits."

Ted pointed them out and said, "Cover Girl, Shipwreck, Xi, Avalanche, Toad, Wavedancer, and Jack Sparrow."

"Why are they here, Paige?" Piper asked.

"Apparently they've been having problems with the Heartless." Paige replied.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Piper said, "Alone."

Piper half dragged her youngest sister into the next room, "Are you _insane_? Besides the fact that the Manor is overcrowded, we've got a slight problem called Nazarac lurking around."

"They're having problems with the Heartless. Doesn't this sound like the Rising Darkness Prue was talking about in her most recent letter?" Paige replied.

"It does." Piper replied, "But didn't Prue want this all to be confidential?"

"I'm sure she would have wanted us to help people fight the Heartless. And crazy though these guys sound, I think Prue would want us to help them." Paige replied, "And for all we know Nazarac could be teaming up with them to help attack our innocent."

"OK." Piper said, "They can stay for now, long enough for us to explain to them everything Prue's been telling us with her letters. But there better not be any funny business, or you're on dish duty for a month…"

"I guarantee there won't be any trouble." Paige began.

Just then they heard the strangest sound coming from the kitchen, "Ha ha ha ha! Staying alive! Staying alive!"

They ran in and Piper asked a very shocked Phoebe, "What the hell?"

"I don't know, I gave the gecko looking kid a cookie, like all the others and he suddenly starts dancing and singing disco music." Phoebe said.

Leo walked down the stairs, leading Sands into the room. "What's going on?"

"Play that funky music white boy!" Xi shouted, as he John Travolta danced on top of the kitchen counter.

"Get down from my counter Gecko!" Piper shouted.

"Yeah they were dancin', and singin', and movin' to the groovin'…" Xi sang, and backflipped.

"Bass man turn the power on. Drummer turn the beat. Tenor man come take your stand. Everybody on your feet." Xi continued as he pointed his right index finger and swayed his hips.

"How long is he going to be like that?" Piper asked.

"Give him a few hours and his batteries should wind down." Ted explained.

"Hours?" Piper said, her left eyebrow twitching and a near murderous wrath on her face, "He's going to be singing weird seventies songs for hours?"

"Let's not forget dancing." Shipwreck said, "OW!"

Cover Girl elbowed Xi in the ribs, "Shipwreck!"

"Dance to the music!" Xi shouted as he hung from the ceiling, "Dance to the music!"

"You're lucky you haven't seen his Disco Inferno move." Althea whispered to Phoebe.

"What's that?" Phoebe asked.

"Xi was raised in a genetics lab by an organization called COBRA. Not the nicest people in the world. So Xi has to undergo a lot of therapy to undo the damage they did. Our psychologist, Psyche Out, isn't the most sane person in the world…"

"That's the understatement of the year, if his patient is any evidence." Phoebe replied.

"Anyway, one of Psyche Out's ideas was Disco Therapy and disco dancing." Althea replied.

"I take it that it didn't work?" Phoebe replied.

"It worked. Too well." Althea replied, "Any time Xi finds his 'happy place' it always involves disco dancing."

"OK." Phoebe said, "And what's this Disco Inferno?"

"Xi, as a trained assassin, knows all kinds of martial arts. He combined a lot of his lethal moves to the rhythm of various disco songs. The last group of COBRAs we fought got beat up to the tune of _Staying Alive_…"

"Oh." Phoebe replied.

"Alright, can we get some kind of order in here?" Sands asked, "I've seen street brawls in Mexico that were less chaotic."

"Ha ha ha ha! Staying Alive! Staying Alive!" Xi shouted as he danced with a very bewildered looking Paige.

"I'm not sure I like your comparison of my wife's housekeeping to a Mexican street brawl." Leo replied to Sands.

"Oh that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! Uh-huh, uh-huh!" Xi sang, "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it!"

"One thing's for sure." Paige said, "Nazarac or the Heartless would be insane to attack this place."

"I will survive…" Piper groaned, "If only to throttle that lizard…"

* * *

TBC (Up next, the X-men and Misfits train together as the Halliwells share their sister Prue's experiences with the Heartless)

AN: Read my fics _Journey of a Halliwell_ and _Once Upon a Time in Traverse Town _for further information regarding how Prue is still alive in this AU and for what purpose.


	8. Demons, Parrots, and BA’s Coffee

Demons, Parrots, and BA's Coffee

Disclaimer: Same as before…For the record I have no anti-Semitic leanings, I just thought the mental image of a certain character singing 'Hava nagila' was exceedingly funny.

RoguefanKC – Technically Sands isn't a criminal. He was a crooked CIA agent in the movie _Once Upon a Time in Mexico_.

AN: Leo hasn't given up his powers just yet…

* * *

"Hey," Paige said gently as she climbed out of the attic window, onto the roof, "Cover Girl said I might find you up here."

"It's not quite the top of a large boulder, but it'll do." Ted replied.

"Can I ask you something?" Paige asked. Ted nodded, and she continued, "Why would a Canadian join the Israeli military?"

"If you spend enough years in a place, it starts to grow on you." Ted replied, "As a boy my family shuttled between Vancouver and the Holy Land every summer. I guess Israel grew on me after a while, I started to fall in love with the culture and the history of the place."

"I remember you said you used to live here for a while." Paige began.

"My paternal grandfather was American, and obviously my Dad was too." Ted replied, "When Grandpa got sick when I was about to enter high school, my folks moved down here with me to keep an eye on his affairs and help Grandma through the grieving after he died."

"I'm sorry." Paige replied, putting a sympathetic arm around Ted's shoulder.

"I take it Xi's calmed down?" Ted asked.

"More or less. It took Phoebe a while to write a soothing spell to calm Xi down, too bad we couldn't find one for Piper's nerves." Paige began, "You should have seen him doing triple backflips to _Play that Funky Music White Boy_."

Ted chuckled lightly, "Hanging around Sands and the Misfits will fray anyone's nerves. And I've seen my share of him acting like that."

Paige yawned, "It's late, but Piper wants to call a meeting about Nazarac and what we know of the Heartless."

"I could use some coffee, but not nearly as badly as you guys, because I've still go jetlag." Ted replied.

"So why the roof?" Paige asked, as Ted climbed back through the window back into the attic, and then took her hand and guided her back to the floor.

"Whenever I need to clear my head, I always do it outside." Ted replied, "Sometimes climbing on rooftops, if there aren't any large boulders, hillsides, or cliff faces to climb on."

"You're a climber." Paige replied.

"How did you guess?" Ted replied.

"Your hands and fingers have weird calluses all over them." Paige replied.

"What can I say," Ted began, "It's an obsession."

* * *

Piper yawned, as she walked over the coffee pot. It was almost midnight and they still had to discuss Nazarac and what they knew of the Heartless from Prue's letters.

"Do we have any coffee left, sweetheart?" Leo asked Piper.

"Sorry, we only have decaf. We haven't had strong coffee around the house since Prue…" Piper replied.

"I may have just the thing." Jack Sparrow began, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I want to apologize for all the damage Xi did and extend me own olive branch…"

Jack produced a three pound bag from a pocket and put it on the counter. "What is it?" Piper asked suspiciously.

"It's a solution to your coffee shortage." Jack said, "Something that will do your late sister, Prue proud."

"She's not dead." Piper said, "Well, technically she was killed, but was resurrected on another world, it's kind of a long story…"

"Ah, I'm sure we'll hear it." Jack replied.

"Since when does coffee carry a warning label in half a dozen different languages, including Ancient Egyptian?" Leo asked, raising an eyebrow at Jack.

"It's a special kind of coffee." Jack replied.

"Warning:" Piper said, as she read the label, "Has been known to cause spontaneous insanity when consumed by mutants…I don't know about this stuff."

"That's only if the kids get their hands on it." Jack replied, "It can't be that bad for you. You aren't mutants."

"I guess it can't hurt." Piper said, as she opened the bag and sniffed, "Hmm, this stuff smells good."

Little did Piper realize she would regret saying that. She brewed a pot of the coffee and handed a cup to Leo. "You're too good to me." Leo said, as he sipped it. The first sip felt like being kicked in the diaphragm by Pheobe with a hard soled shoe. A grin spread across his face, he had to have some more…

"Leo?" Piper asked, "Are you OK?"

"I'm better than OK! I'm feeling great!" Leo replied.

"There's something very weird about this coffee." Piper replied.

"What on Earth?" Paige asked as she and Ted walked downstairs into the kitchen to see Leo dancing around in a circle.

"Hava nagila! Hava nagila! Hava nagila! Ve nimecha! (hic)" Leo sang out as he twirled himself in a circle with a cup of coffee in one hand.

Too late Jack Sparrow realized that BA's Coffee was the equivalent of a dozen shots of tequila and lime for a Whitelighter. "Jack…" Piper said, her voice taking on a dangerous tone, "Prepare to die…"

Jack ran around the kitchen as Piper chased him with a frying pan, "Come back her and get brained like a man you scalawag!"

"Thanks for the compliment!" Jack replied. CLANG! The pan struck him upside the head, "OUCH!"

Leo snagged Jack's arm with his own and twirled with the staggering pirate for a few seconds. "Hava nagila! Hava nagila!" Leo continued to chant, with a huge grin on his face as he sipped more of the coffee, "Hava nagila! Ve nimecha!"

Piper continued to chase Jack through the kitchen, "I wasn't alone in this! Blame Shipwreck! He snuck it out of the Pit…"

"What _is _this stuff?" Phoebe asked.

"It's coffee, of course." Cover Girl said, "But it's a coffee unlike any you've ever seen."

Phoebe said, "It's almost like he's drunk on shots bourbon with a beer chaser apiece."

"That's BA's coffee. For normal humans it will have them wired for days." Cover Girl replied, "For mutants, and whatever Leo is…"

"He's a Whitelighter, a kind of guardian angel for witches." Phoebe replied.

"For mutants and apparently Whitelighters, drinking BA's coffee is like drinking alcohol." Cover Girl sighed.

"So how long is he going to be dancing around to traditional Jewish songs?" Phoebe said.

"It'll wear off in a few hours…" Cover Girl replied.

Piper stopped chasing Jack around the kitchen, "Wait a minute, you're telling me that my husband is going to be singing traditional Jewish songs and dancing around like a moron for _hours?" _

"Yes." Cover Girl said.

"Jack Sparrow! You are dead! You hear me! DEAD!" Piper shouted.

"Help!" Jack shouted as Piper chased him all over the house.

"Hava neranena! Hava neranena!" Leo continued.

"Phoebe." Paige said, "Please use that soothing spell…"

"On it." Phoebe said, "Oh substance of omen ill. Leave Leo's system, if you will. His antics are of great woe. Leave his system with due haste and go."

"What happened guys?" Leo said, when he regained sobriety and noticed everyone staring at him, "Piper, why are you strangling Jack?"

"Mazeltov." Ted replied, grinning and humming the tune to Hava Nagila. Paige couldn't help it and chuckled as well.

Leo stared at both of them, puzzled until Piper spoke up, "You got a little drunk honey."

"Drunk?" Leo asked, "All I drank was that coffee. I normally don't get that way with regular coffee."

"Well, B.A'.s is some sort of special blend." Cover Girl said, "It is scientifically proven to cause mutants, and apparently Whitelighters, to act like their severely drunk. For normal humans, it just makes them wired for several days."

"Oh." Leo said, as Piper continued choking Jack.

"Air…." Jack Sparrow begged.

Sands laughed as he heard all the commotion going through the house. "I take it back, Piper, this house is a lot more entertaining than a Mexican street brawl. It's almost as much fun as a Mexican cantina at happy hour…"

Piper clobbered Sands in the head with the frying pan that was next to her foot after releasing a gasping Jack. "OW! You're not supposed to hit a blind man…"

"I wonder if the Barillo cartel should have removed your tongue instead." Piper quipped.

"Awk! You should stock more than just light beer in the fridge lady." Polly said.

"Did that parrot say what I think he did?" Paige asked.

"I'm afraid so." Ted replied.

"What kind of demented bird is beer crazy?" Paige asked.

"This kind." Ted replied, "And let's not forget it isn't only beer he craves…"

"Awk! Is there a liquor store around?" Polly demanded, "Polly want some Jim Beam."

"Alright bird!" Piper said, gesturing with her hands.

"Piper, don't blow up the bird." Paige warned.

"Blow up the bird?" Shipwreck said.

"Piper's powers are stopping molecules, which mean freezing time, or accelerating them, i.e. causing things to explode." Paige replied.

"Wait a second lady! No one harms my parrot except me!" Shipwrecked piped in.

"Awk! Like you could even succeed! Awk!" Polly said, flapping his wings.

Piper flicked her wrist and Polly froze in mid air. "Perfect." Piper said and tossed Polly into a decorative bird cage.

"Piper," Phoebe said, "I don't know if that thing can hold an actual bird…"

"Phoebe, it's the only thing we have." Piper replied, "…Besides he's just a dumb bird."

"Piper, people have had some serious problems when they've underestimated Polly in the past." Althea warned.

"Yeah, Polly has escaped from a maximum security COBRA prison on no less than eight separate occasions." Lance warned.

"We do have more pressing concerns, guys." Paige interjected, "Especially one named Nazarac."

"She's right you know." Cover Girl began. Phoebe walked by on her way to the sink for a glass of water when she brushed against Cover Girl.

_Cover Girl's mouth was opening and closing, her eyes widening. From lip reading, Phoebe could see her saying the words: "Shipwreck! Watch out!" _

_She saw Cover Girl flying over the edge of a roof somewhere in the city and heard the woman's last screams mixed with a cackling that had to be Nazarac's. She saw the hooded figure waving a wand that looked like a bunch of vines twisted together, and evidently this wand had caused the former runway model to fall to her death… _

"Oh my God…" Phoebe paled.

"What's going on?" Cover Girl asked.

"Phoebe just had a premonition." Paige explained.

"Great, tell them more about us why don't you." Piper remarked, "Maybe if we're lucky we'll only have one robot death machine chasing us around!"

"I sure meet the weird ones on this job." Sands remarked.

"What did you see?" Cover Girl asked.

"I saw you die." Phoebe said, "At some time, Nazarac is going to kill you."

"Over my dead body." Shipwreck remarked, "No one harms any member of my family without coming through me."

"Shipwreck," Phoebe began, "It was you that she died trying to save."

"OK, what can we do to prevent this?" Ted asked.

"We have to find Nazarac before Cover Girl and Shipwreck do." Paige replied.

"I thought Sands was our innocent. Though I wouldn't mind if a demon got to _him _first." Piper remarked.

"You know, I was right about guessing you'd be a total bitch." Sands replied, "Have you lost your post baby weight yet?"

"Watch it Mister." Piper said.

Leo frowned as he heard Sands throw several insulting remarks at Piper. The man had been nothing but obnoxious since he had shown up at the house. Leo had been as understanding as he could, but this was starting to really anger him.

"Oh, so you've put on a few pounds…" Sands began before a blow from Leo's fist struck him on the jaw.

"Not very angelic behavior, is it?" Sands replied, nursing the knot in his jaw.

"Listen, mister, innocent or not, I'm sick of you making derogatory remarks to my wife and my in-laws." Leo said, his voice radiating controlled anger, "They're trying to help you, and you're not helping yourself by being an ungrateful prick."

"Well, tough shit." Sands replied, "I killed three members of the Barillo cartel mere hours after my eyes were gouged out. I'm not some quavering little blind man wanting or needing the help of three ladies claiming to be witches. If you're so damn powerful, why not restore my eyesight!"

"There are limits to what we can do." Paige replied calmly.

"There are limits to what we can do." Sands said, mimicking Paige, "You're powerful, supposedly, and you can't do jack shit for my eyes, or lack thereof."

"Why would Nazarac want you dead?" Piper asked, and then sarcastically added, "Gee I don't know, maybe it's your oh so warm personality…"

"Piper, that's enough!" Cover Girl said, "Look, the enemy is this Nazarac lady and the Heartless, not each other."

"Phoebe," Shipwreck asked, "Don't witches have spell books or something to tell them what kinds of spirits exist out there?"

"I've already looked in the Book of Shadows." Phoebe said, "And there's good and bad news. Which news do you want first?"

"The good news." Piper replied.

"The good news is there is an entry on Nazarac." Phoebe replied.

"And the bad?" Paige asked.

"There really isn't anything about how to vanquish her in the Book of Shadows…"

"Great, a fucking demon lady is after me and you guys have _no _way to kill her?" Sands replied, "Fat lot of good three witches can do…"

"That's enough!" Paige snapped.

"I say we throw him outside and use him as demon bait." Piper added.

"However," Phoebe added crossly, "There is a spell to track him."

"Oh no!" Piper said, "I'm not getting turned into a dog to track down this demon lady…"

"Funny, you're halfway there." Sands replied.

"Shut your trap." Piper remarked, "Why they think you're an innocent I can't imagine."

"Anyway, the tracking spell doesn't involve turning anyone into anything." Phoebe said.

"Why do I get the feeling that this night is going to get even stranger?" Lance asked Xi.

"Probably because it is." Xi replied, "Say, Piper's cookies are fantastic…"

"Oh no…" Lance replied.

"Relax," Xi said, "I didn't eat any more of them."

"It just says a bird of color and cunning will find the demon that changes shape." Phoebe said.

"FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE AS A BIRD!" Polly sang, as he broke through the bars of the decoration bird cage.

"You _are _a bird." Piper said, "And if you don't want to get turned into tomorrow's blue plate special, you'll listen to us."

"We need you to track a demon for us." Paige replied.

"Awk! What's in it for me?" Polly began.

"A bottle of beer." Paige offered.

"Awk! That light beer? No thanks! Awk!" Polly flapped his wings.

"How about a bottle of the finest Jose Cuervo you've ever tasted?" Shipwreck wagered.

"From your secret stash?" Polly said.

"Yes, from my secret stash." Shipwreck conceded.

"Awk! Shiver me timbers! Shiver me timbers!" Polly replied.

"I think he means yes." Ted replied, at Paige's quizzical expression.

"OK, Phoebe, hit it." Piper said.

"Bird of color and cunning of Quetzalcoatl's plume. I bless your eyes and wit so you may sense impending doom." Phoebe said, "May your eyes see through guile and disguise. Let Nazarac not you surprise…"

Polly was bathed in a stream of colored light and his eyes glowed a weird greenish tint. He looked straight at Paige and cackled, "Nice underwear."

Paige reddened. Phoebe had just given Polly X-ray vision as a power, so that he could see through Nazarac's disguises. Sadly he was able to see through the clothing of everyone in the household.

"Great, our lives are depending on Shipwreck's Peeping Tom Parrot?" Piper said.

"We're doomed, aren't we?" Lance asked, "_Polly _is going to save the day? We're doomed."

* * *

TBC 


	9. Of Shapeshifters, Coyotes, and Complaint

Of Shapeshifters, Coyotes, and Complaints

Disclaimer: Same as before…

* * *

"OK bird, do your stuff!" Piper said, opening the door. Polly flapped out the door.

"Now what?" Cover Girl asked.

"We write a spell and figure out how to vanquish Nazarac." Phoebe replied, "We've done this before…"

"How do you track someone who can change their shape at will?" Ted asked.

"We've got plenty of experience with that." Althea began.

"Shapeshifters?" Ted asked.

"Uh-huh." Toad replied, "Genetically engineered assassins, yes. Demented Greek, Egyptian, and Norse Gods, yes. Demons from other dimensions, yes. We have plenty of experience with the bizarre."

Ted looked at them, raising an eyebrow, "Odd…"

"Demons?" Piper said, dangerously, "You guys…"

"Not evil, per se, just insane." Lance explained, "You see my ex-girlfriend has a new boyfriend who's sister Illyana is the demonic ruler of another dimension…"

"OK," Piper said, turning to Leo and pointing at the Misfits, "You want _us _to work with people who have _demons_ for friends."

"To be fair, honey," Leo began, "Phoebe did date a demon for a while…"

"Then became Queen of the Underworld!" Piper snapped.

"Is she always like this?" Ted asked Paige.

"Mostly." Paige replied, "But Piper obviously has a lot to lose. Us. Her children. Leo…"

"I understand." Ted replied, "Trust me, in Israel that's our attitude on a national scale. We're a small country forever protecting our borders and policing our territory."

"What did you do while you were over there?" Paige asked.

"I served in our Border Guard's undercover counter-terrorist unit." Ted replied, "We basically become what we hunt, insomuch that we adopt Arabic dress, language, and culture. It took me over a month when I came home to get used to using a fork again."

Ted said something in Arabic and Paige asked, "What did you just say?"

"I just said '_The lovely redhead seems amused' _In Arabic of course." Ted replied.

Despite herself, Paige blushed. "Flattery will get you nowhere." Paige said, smiling. _OK, down girl, get back on track here. Sure he's cute and off the beaten path, but we've got a demon to track down._

_Come on Griffin, quit thinking with your hormones, you've got an asset to protect. Forget the cute red head and get on with it. _Ted thought. _Note to self; ask her what she's up to Saturday night._

"If you two are done fooling around, maybe we can go find this demon, oh I don't know…_before _she kills me!" Sands began.

"Are things always like this when you guys chase demons?" Althea asked Phoebe.

"Usually, but innocents usually aren't this much trouble." Phoebe replied.

They heard a loud bang from the kitchen and a plume of thick, black smoke streamed out of the kitchen. Piper came out of their coughing.

"You guys don't seem bothered." Paige said to Lance, Xi, Althea, and Toad.

"That's because explosions are really common at Casa Delgato." Althea replied.

"No offense," Paige began, "But it sounds like your house is a nuthouse."

"None taken, believe me." Althea said.

"I am _not _the chief nut of Misfit Manor!" Lance shouted at the air.

"It's starting again, guys." Toad began.

"What's starting again?" Piper said.

"Uhm, Lance's former boss used to inject him with all sorts of chemicals to enhance his powers." Shipwreck replied.

"OK, do those powers include yelling at the air like a raging lunatic?" Piper asked.

"You see, sometimes he has visions of an imaginary enemy." Shipwreck said, as the house shook.

"What the – ?" Paige snapped, "There aren't supposed to be any earthquakes."

"There weren't, but Lance's powers include creating seismic phenomenon ranging from terraforming to earthquakes." Ted replied.

"_Now _you choose to tell me?" Piper said, whirling angrily on Ted.

"To be fair, you never asked." Cover Girl interjected.

"I've heard of imaginary friends, but this is ridiculous." Piper said.

"Not entirely." Phoebe replied as she saw Lance rolling on the ground punching away at a silver coyote.

"You can see it?" Cover Girl asked.

"I don't see anything." Paige replied.

"Guys, it's obvious. Lance is pummeling a silver furred coyote." Phoebe replied.

"Are you sure you're not seeing things?" Shipwreck asked.

"Can't you guys see that silver coyote that Lance is beating up? Can't you hear it insulting him?" Phoebe asked.

"Lady," Shipwreck said, "All I see is what we always see, and that's Lance rolling around punching air."

"Die! Die! Die! Die! DIE!" Lance shouted in the background.

"Can you get more original than that?" The Coyote laughed.

"Hey, quit picking on Lance!" Phoebe shouted.

"You can see him?" Lance asked.

"Can you?" Phoebe asked, rhetorically.

"I wish I couldn't see this stupid silver dog." Lance growled, "Yes I called you a dog! Yes I know you're a coyote! And yes you're a flea infested, silver furred, drag queen mongrel!"

"That boy has issues." Leo said.

"You think." Piper began.

"Hey! No one insults Lance but us." Althea snapped.

"You know," Phoebe said, "This coyote of Lance's might not be entirely a hallucination. It could have magical roots."

"Then how come I can't see it?" Piper asked.

"I don't see anything either." Paige added.

Phoebe thought of a spell, "_Creature of another plane. Cause of Lance's woes and pain. Invisible to all but him and I. Be seen for all by the naked eye._"

In the middle of the room appeared a large, silver furred coyote. "I don't believe it!" Piper said.

"Oh no…" Toad moaned.

"_It's there in the eyes of children. All their faces smiling in the windows!" _The Coyote sang out, "_You can come on out, come on open the doors. Brush away the tears of freedom. Now we're here, there's no turning back. We have each other. We have one voice_."

The Coyote started bouncing and dancing around the room and Lance started making tremor after tremor in an attempt to kill it.

The Coyote nimbly evaded them all, singing out, "_Hand in hand we will lay the tracks.Because the train is coming to carry you home."_

"Phoebe," Piper said calmly before shouting, "Your train of thought is a runaway!"

"_Come dance with me. Come on and dance into the light. Everybody dance into the light_." The Coyote sang as he danced with a very startled Paige.

"Lance, I must admit your imaginary enemy certainly has good taste in music." Ted quipped.

"TED!" all the Misfits and their handlers shouted at him.

"What, I like Phil Collins." Ted remarked.

The Coyote sang, "_A British tar is a soaring soul, as free as a mountain bird…_"

"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Lance shouted as he chased it with a meat cleaver.

"NO! Lance! Do _not _use my cutlery set to kill your imaginary enemy!" Piper shouted at Lance, who chased the Coyote out the front door.

"Phoebe…" Piper said, menacingly advancing on her younger sister, "Do you realize you just loosed a Coyote with annoying tendencies being chased by a mutant with the power to make earthquakes on the city?"

"Yes." Phoebe squeaked nervously under the collective glares of her sisters and the Misfits and everyone else in the room except for Sands (giving the last one's lack of eyes that was understandable).

"Come on guys, we've gotta find that Coyote before he causes any more destruction." Cover Girl said.

"Wait! Don't go out there!" Phoebe shouted, "Remember my premonition! Nazarac could kill you guys!"

"We can't just let Lance and his imaginary menace cause havoc through the city." Cover Girl protested.

"I'm going with you guys then." Paige replied.

"So am I." Phoebe volunteered, "I brought that thing to life, I need to vanquish it."

"Ted," Shipwreck said, "Stay behind with Sands."

"Forget it!" Piper snapped, "I'm not about to put those two in the same house, they'll kill each other."

"Fine." Shipwreck said, "I guess I'll stay with Sands."

"And I'll do so as well." Jack replied sheepishly.

"Why?" Piper asked.

"Uhm, it has something to do with a very graphic threat Cover Girl made if I ever set foot out of doors for the rest of our time here…" Jack replied.

"I'll call Darryl." Piper said, rolling her eyes as the team consisting of Cover Girl, Ted, Paige, Phoebe, Toad, Xi, and Althea walked outside to Paige's car.

* * *

"Daddy! Doggie!" Little Darryl Jr. gurgled.

Darryl walked out of the kitchen, into the living room where his son had been watching cartoons, he held a glass of water in his hand and was sipping it.

"That's great son and…" Darryl spit the water out of his mouth as his eyes widened, "What the hell?"

In the middle of the floor was a large silver coyote, lying on its back as little Darryl Jr, rubbed its midsection.

"Darryl?" Sheila asked, as she walked into the "What's going on here? Don't swear in front of our little boy…What the hell?"

"Mommy! Daddy! Doggie!" Darryl Jr. said as the Coyote licked his face.

"Where did you come from?" Darryl said, dropping to one knee to look for an identification tag.

The Coyote stood up on two legs and started to dance around, "_I come from the land of the ice and snow! Where the midnight sun and the hot springs flow!_"

"You can talk?" Darryl said, stunned.

"Give the man a prize." The Coyote said.

The phone ran just then and Darryl answered, "Morris. OK, I'll tell you right now that I've located one half of the 'crazed duo' you described. Keep it occupied? That shouldn't be too hard; it's singing and dancing all over my living room."

"_Hava nagila! Hava nagila! Hava nagila! Ve nismecha!"_ The Coyote sang, as it donned a small blue yarmulke and twirled across the floor.

"Die! Die! Coyote!" Lance shouted as he burst through the door with murder in his eyes, his words matching the rhythm of the song, "Die Die! Coyote! Die Die! Coyote! Why won't you die now?"

The house shook as Lance launched another tremor at the Coyote which kept running all over the place.

"Correction, get while my house is still standing." Darryl replied.

"Four footed flea farm!" Lance shouted, as he chased the Coyote across the lawn.

"_Seventy-six trombones…_" The Coyote sang as Lance chased it around with an ax.

* * *

Paige slammed the brakes as she saw a very familiar coyote run across the street, chased by Lance wielding an ax. Standing on the sidewalk was a very harried looking Darryl Morris, without a tie and with his shirt's top button undone. He was waving them down.

"Please tell me you're going to vanquish that thing." Darryl began, as Paige rolled the window down.

"Not exactly, more like contain it until the spell that brought it to life breaks." Phoebe replied.

"And when will that be?" Darryl asked.

"It should be over by midnight or so." Phoebe winced, "Midnight tomorrow that is."

"By midnight tomorrow half the city might not be standing with your friend making unexpected earthquakes…" Darryl said.

"Can't you call the dog catchers or something?" Phoebe asked.

"Maybe." Darryl replied.

"Well, we'd best get to chasing this fellow." Shipwreck replied, "Xi, Toad, you're with Ted. Althea, stay with Cover Girl and me. We'll cut them off with the car."

"I'm going with you guys." Paige replied, putting the car in park, "Phoebe, you're driving. And don't screw up my car…"

Paige, Ted, Xi, and Toad chased Lance down the road while Phoebe drove the car around into the possible path of the Coyote.

As they drove down the road, Cover Girl said, "Shipwreck, there's Polly."

Indeed, a couple blocks away, they could see a green and yellow parrot dive bombing something or someone behind a house. "Step on it Phoebe." Shipwreck began.

They stopped and saw a middle aged housewife swinging a broom as Polly climbed away from her. "It's about time!" Polly said, flapping his wings, gaining altitude and then diving.

"Dive! Dive!" Polly replied and pecked the old lady.

"Bad Polly! Don't hit the nice lady!" Cover Girl shouted and stormed over.

"Oh thank heavens you're here, miss. I was sweeping my patio when this crazy bird starts attacking me and…ack!" The woman shouted as Polly made another kind of attack.

"Bombs away!" Polly said.

"Bad bird! Bad bird!" Cover Girl said, "I'm so sorry miss…"

"It's quite alright." The housewife replied, as she vainly attempted to wipe parrot poop off of her clothing. "And one more thing, the first rule of magic is, only let them see what you want them to see…"

The housewife waved her hand in front of her face and standing before Cover Girl was an old crone in a black cloak with a crooked nose and wisps of silver hair and wrinkles. "Nazarac."

"Awk! I tried to tell you! Awk!" Polly said, diving down towards her.

Nazarac raised the wand and sent a beam of strange energy that lanced into Cover Girl and sent her flying into the patio railing. She stood slowly, her left ankle experiencing a sharp pain and fell back down again. Something struck her in the neck and she passed out.

Shipwreck drew out his double Eagles and fired four .50 caliber Action Express rounds, hitting Nazarac in the chest. The first round alone should have totally obliterated her heart. Given the fact that Nazarac was not human, the half inch slugs were the equivalent of being hit with several grapes thrown by a two year old child.

Nazarac sent Shipwreck flying onto the bumper of Paige's car, leaving a huge dent. Before Nazarac could apply the coup d'grace, she was knocked over by a huge, silver furred Coyote. She stood up to face this latest irritant when she was promptly walloped upside the head by a croquet mallet. Lance was swinging the mallet and shouting, "Die Coyote! Die!"

"Whoa! Demon!" Paige shouted, skidding to a halt.

They saw Cover Girl lying half conscious on the grass below the patio and Shipwreck on his back atop Paige's car. Ted pulled his IMI Jericho 9mm and squeezed of three shots, all of which clustered in a tight pattern around Nazarac's chest.

"Uh, Ted," Paige replied, "We've established that bullets don't hurt her."

"I don't see you guys coming up with anything." Ted replied.

"Logs!" Paige shouted, and the stack of firewood went flying towards Nazarac, striking her repeatedly.

Nazarac laughed with contempt, "You think because you are one of the Charmed Ones you can stop me? It took every shaman and wizard at the disposal of the Aztecs to entrap me…"

"Wand!" Paige shouted, and the wand orbed out of Nazarac's hand.

"Paige, shut your eyes!" Ted shouted, withdrawing a silver canister about the size of a soda can from underneath his fleece jacket.

Paige complied and Ted pulled the pin and rolled the grenade right in front of Nazarac. The device exploded in a flash, temporarily blinding Nazarac and disorienting her with the explosion.

"We've got to get back to the Manor!" Paige declared, clutching Nazarac's wand.

Lance helped Althea drag Cover Girl to Paige's car while Xi helped Shipwreck. The Coyote jumped in through the passenger side window. "Hit it tootsie!"

Phoebe glared at the Coyote for such a blatantly sexist term and stomped on the accelerator, speeding to the Halliwell Manor.

* * *

"There's nothing I can do." Leo said, "The poison that Nazarac hit Cover Girl with isn't like anything I've ever dealt with before."

"That's the bad news." Phoebe said, "The good news is, it won't kill her, yet. The bad news is, if we don't vanquish Nazarac in the next twenty-four hours, she will die."

The two were standing far away from the couch where they had laid the wounded Cover Girl. Phoebe had put two pillows underneath her head and Shipwreck had gotten her a glass of water.

"Hey," Shipwreck said, kneeling by her side, "How are you feeling?"

"Terrible." Cover Girl replied, "My head is throbbing, Sands' cane hitting the floor sounds like a jackhammer, and it feels like the North Pole in this room."

Shipwreck draped a blanket, one of several Piper had folded inside a laundry basket in the kitchen, over her. "Better?"

"Much." Cover Girl smiled weakly.

"Ted, go get a wash cloth and soak it in cold water." Leo said.

Ted complied and when he finished he handed it off to Leo who put it on Cover Girl's forehead. Shipwreck said, "Courtney, hang in there, you can fight this…On that note, do you need anything?"

"I could use some more water." Cover Girl replied, and then added weakly, "Funny, I would never have used the words 'nurse maid' and Shipwreck in the same sentence."

"In my defense," Shipwreck added, with mock hurt, amused that Cover Girl still had her sense of humor despite the situation, "I was one heck of a quote unquote "nursemaid" when Mara had morning sickness."

"I don't want to imagine that Shipwreck, I'm nauseous as is." Cover Girl replied.

Shortly, Shipwreck returned with a glass of water. "So, what's going on?" Cover Girl asked, "Will I be alright?"

"You will," Shipwreck said, "Once the girls beat Nazarac."

"Imagine that." Cover Girl said, "Being done in by an older version of Malerie Surprise…"

"You are _not _going to die, Courtney." Shipwreck said. _I hope you don't die. I hope those witches beat the tobacco juice out of Nazarac. _

"OK, Phoebe, is there _anything _in the Book of Shadows about defeating Nazarac?" Piper asked.

"More importantly, is there any reason she wants our blind buddy over there?" Paige asked.

"In the case of defeating Nazarac they say 'Her great strength, her great weakness' but that's it." Phoebe replied.

"OK, that's it?" Piper asked, "Nothing about a Power of Three spell or anything?"

"I don't know if a Power of Three Spell would work. It took every holy man of the Aztecs to trap Nazarac in the void." Paige replied.

"This gets better." Phoebe replied, "If any magical powers are used against Nazarac, she can mirror that power in every encounter afterward."

"OK, fascinating, but why the fuck would she want me?" Sands replied.

"I was getting there." Phoebe said, with just a trace of irritation, "Nazarac can take up any form, and she can seduce men easily…Unless they are men without eyes, they can't be enticed by her more alluring forms and they're a threat to her because of it."

"So we've somehow got to use her greatest strength, which is her greatest weakness and somehow utilize a blind asshole that is immune to her more seductive side." Piper said, "Sounds like our work is cut out for us."

* * *

TBC (I promise at some point we'll see the X-men suffer throught the gauntlet of Misfit training…) 


	10. The Mirror and the Song

Of Mirrors and the International Friendship Song

Disclaimer: Same as before…Lets say the Animaniacs inspired this last chapter.

* * *

"So, what did you do about Lance and the Coyote?" Ted asked Paige.

"I made sure they're on opposite sides of the house for now." Paige replied, "Lance is in the attic with Phoebe and the Coyote's in the kitchen."

"Sounds good." Ted replied.

As they continued talking, Toad and Althea stood just out of earshot, and Althea turned to her boyfriend, "I think there's some chemistry there…"

"Of course," Toad blinked as yet another loud bang sounded, Piper was in the kitchen trying to mix a potion. Try being the operative word, as she was currently trying to manage two babies and deal with a large silver furred coyote simultaneously.

"So you agree?" Althea replied.

"Of course, Piper almost blew a hole through the roof." Toad replied.

"You're so dumb!" Althea said.

"But there is chemistry here." Toad protested, "Things keep exploding, duh…"

"You're so dumb, but I love you anyway Toddles." Althea replied.

"What?" Toad replied, "I keep saying there's chemistry here because of the explosions and you keep calling me dumb."

"It's not the explosive type of chemistry." Althea replied, "I'm talking about Ted and Paige."

"What about it?" Toad replied, "They're just talking."

"Just talking?" Althea said, "Look at them. Ooh, it's that shy toss of the stray hair lock…"

"Paige just got some hair in the wrong place." Toad replied.

"Why is she smiling then?" Althea asked.

"Ted probably said something funny." Toad replied.

"She likes him." Althea concluded.

"How do you know?" Toad asked.

Althea rolled her eyes, "See she just inched closer. C'mon Ted, are you that clueless…"

"What are you talking about?" Toad asked.

"She just leaned closer to him." Althea replied.

"She just wanted to peek over his shoulder to see how Shipwreck was coping." Toad replied.

"Guys are so clueless. But I love you anyway." Althea replied, kissing Toad.

"ARGH!" Piper groaned in frustration.

"I told you that you were pouring Oregano instead of barrow's spade into that potion…" the Coyote quipped.

"Shut up." Piper snapped, "Before I blow you up."

"Gee, I should you thank you lady, thanks to you I get to annoy new people. It can get pretty boring bugging Lance after a while." The Coyote replied.

"Thanks to you, witchcraft could easily be exposed. Thanks to Lance chasing you all over San Francisco…" Piper began.

The Coyote broke into song just then, "_San Francisco here I come…Right back where I started from…" _

The Coyote began dancing across the floor, towards the front door. "Oh no you don't!" Paige said, "Doggie chain!"

Paige orbed a dog chain into the room and orbed the device around the Coyote's neck before tying the end she held to the banister.

"Why didn't I think of that?" Piper asked.

"Good luck getting it on that thing." Paige replied, "If it weren't for orbing I wouldn't be able to catch that lunatic…"

"_Nobody knows the trouble I've seen…_" The coyote moaned mournfully.

"You're gonna see a lot more trouble if you don't shut up." Piper glared menacingly.

"What are you gonna do about it?" the chained Coyote snapped, sticking it's tongue out "TBBTT!"

"I'll muzzle you right now…" Piper replied, taking a roll of duct tape from the nearby closet.

"I'll be good…" The Coyote replied.

"Honey," Leo asked, "Try and relax…"

"Relax? _Relax?_" Piper just about shouted, "First off there's a shapeshifting demon out there up to who knows what. Second I'm probably going to have to explain to Darryl why freak earthquakes have been happening all over town. Third I'm being driven to madness by a fast-talking coyote. I am nowhere near the vicinity of relaxed!"

"Not just fast talking…ta da!" the Coyote shouted, "I'm free!"

"Great…" Piper groaned.

* * *

Later, Ted stood outside, on the porch of the Halliwell Manor. He was on guard rotation while a group ventured into the city to search for Nazarac in an attempt to lure her back to the Manor.

_The smell was the first thing. It was the odor of smoke and overly charred meat that he knew was human. The school bus was a smoldering wreck, several pounds of semtex having a lot to do with its current condition._

"_Fucking bastards." Avi said, "I'll crucify them all." _

"_Next time they authorize me to shoot, the asshole's getting a belly shot. It can take hours to die from one of those." A bald soldier, a sniper everyone nicknamed 'Imhotep,' added. _

_The wails of anguish from several parents that had been near the blast echoed as another group of YAMAS operatives and riot policemen held them away from the cordon. Ted barely heard his boots making the crunch amongst the broken glass as he surveyed the carnage. All this time the Jerusalem YAMAS unit had been focused on hunting down a possible suicide bomber near the school, but the bomber's true target had been the bus. His informant had been wrong. He felt a soft sensation underneath the sole of one boot and recoiled. He was standing on the severed forearm of the bus driver. **God, please let me kill the bastards who planned this…**Ted thought._

"I was not angry since I came to France, until this instant!" – William Shakespeare, Henry V.

Two weeks later, YAMAS had found the hideout of the Palestinian mastermind.

_The grenade flew inside the room before exploding in a flash. Almost immediately thereafter six YAMAS operatives in olive green fatigues, their faces obscured by ski-masks and brandishing Uzis and CAR-15s, stormed inside the room. _

_An old man walked into view, blood spurting from his eyes and ears as he leveled the AK-47 at the attacking Israelis. The point man of the YAMAS entry team fired off eight single shots from his CAR-15 in rapid succession, sending the Palestinian backward into the wall. _

"_Clear!" The team leader, standing behind the point man, shouted. _

_The four Israeli soldiers stood over the terrorist, the point man kicking his ribs to determine life. The Palestinian let out a wheezing, rattling sound. Ted pulled off his ski-mask after kicking the terrorist. _

"_He's not making anything go boom now." Avi commented, laconically. _

"_Imhotep's gonna be pissed that he didn't get a crack at this fuck." A fourth soldier, a hulking Druze named Samad, commented. _

_The old man twitched about on the floor, in a pool of his own blood. Random words in Arabic came out._

"_What the…?" Avi asked._

"_He's praying." Samad commented, "Yes dear friend, today you visit Allah."_

"_May he send your ass to the flames like you sent those children…" Avi quipped._

"_What do we do?" Ted asked._

"_What do you mean?" Samad asked. _

"_We can't just leave him up here." Ted replied._

"_Hey, in case you've forgotten," Avi sneered, "This asshole was responsible for that school bus in Jerusalem." _

"_Look," Ted replied, "I have no problem with shooting this bastard. But we shouldn't leave him like this…" _

"_Do you think if four Palestinians stood over a dying Israeli they would be having this argument?" Levi, their team leader, replied, "Leave him for the fucking rats." _

"_We can't leave him like this." Ted replied._

"_Sh-shoot me…" the old man replied._

"_OK Ted, since you're arguing for mercy, you shoot this stupid fuck." Levi replied._

_Ted took the IMI Jericho pistol from the thigh holster on his right side, flicking the safety off with his thumb. He aimed the weapon at the man's head._

"_Shoot me…" the old man begged._

"_What the hell are you waiting for?" Avi asked, "Shoot him and be done with it." _

_Ted's hand shook as his finger tightened on the trigger. He had killed before, that was for sure. There was that Palestinian he killed with a grenade at the very start of his military career. This was different, though. This was almost like murder._

"_Feel the rush…" Levi urged, "Feel the rush. Remember he blew up that school bus. Twenty-three innocent children…"_

_**Hell, I've wanted to kill this bastard for weeks, and now he's at my feet helpless and I'm hesitating? **Ted thought angrily. _

"_Shoot me…" the old man continued._

_**Stop hesitating and do it! **Ted commanded. And as he tightened the trigger he felt like he was watching the event from outside his own body, as if he was watching some other man tightening his finger on a trigger…_

_BANG! Thunder reverberated in the cinder block room as a spirit left the world to be judged in the great beyond. _

"Ted?" Lance said, tapping the Canadian's shoulder.

Ted turned around. _"Hard core man." Avi said. _

"What's going on?" Ted asked.

"Phoebe just called. Nazarac's been spotted, they're luring her back here." Lance replied.

"Good." Ted replied.

"Are you alright?" Lance asked. _"Didn't think you had it in you to do cold blood, Ted." Avi continued. _

"I'm fine, kid." Ted replied, brusquely.

"You don't sound fine." Lance observed. _I know that look, that look of a memory you don't want to live. I've had it myself a few times…_

"Look kid, we've got a demon to help our new allies fight…" Ted replied.

Lance said, "I know how you feel. More than you know…"

"I didn't know you were a telepath." Ted replied.

"No," Lance replied, "I know you're remembering something you don't want to remember. I feel the same way when I remember my foster parents touched me all the time…"

"I'm sorry kid." Ted replied, "That I snapped at you…"

"I've had worse." Lance replied.

"I understand." Ted replied.

"What did you do?" Lance asked.

"I killed a man." Ted replied.

"But you're a soldier, don't you do that anyway?" Lance asked.

"Yes," Ted replied, "But this was different."

The two walked back inside the house, to their assigned positions…

* * *

Nazarac orbed onto the front lawn of the Halliwell Manor, smiling. The witch, Paige, had done her a favor because when she was exposed to her powers, she was able to use them for herself. And the poison she had launched at the woman was doing wonders, as the other woman got weaker Nazarac felt younger and more vital.

The house had very few lights on, such an infantile attempt to fight her. It had taken almost every sorcerer in the Aztec empire to imprison her. She sneered as she entered through the front door. She would hasten the regaining of her youth by killing off the red haired woman and then reclaim her wand.

"Now!" came a shout.

At Althea's command, Lance came out from behind the couch and began to shake the house, forcing Nazarac to focus more on steadying herself than moving forward. Just then Toad sent three splashes of slime at Nazarac, splattering her in the face, chest and right hand. Then Wavedancer sent a plume of water from the filled-in sinks right into Nazarac, blasting her out the door.

"Gotcha!" Phoebe shouted, throwing an explosive potion at Nazarac's feet. The blast threw the demon backward, sending her sprawling on her back. She promptly picked herself back up and laughed with contempt.

"Vase!" Paige shouted, and sent a the object in question hurtling towards Nazarac.

"Vase!" Nazarac replied, and orbed the item right back at Paige, striking her in the midsection, knocking the wind out of her sails.

Piper waved her hands and froze Nazarac. "Whoa! How did she just use Paige's powers?"

Nazarac unfroze herself, "When a witch uses her powers against me, I absorb them…"

Nazarac froze the room just then and shouted, "Wand!"

The old crone unfroze Paige's face, "I really want you to see this, my dear."

"What the..." Paige began.

"Sands!" Nazarac shouted, and a frozen Sands stood helpless before her.

"Oh my God…" Paige groaned silently.

"I have the ability to use your powers, but I am far stronger than you'll ever be." Nazarac replied, "I can orb greater distances, orb larger objects and now freeze larger areas…"

"NO!" Paige shouted helplessly as Nazarac orbed away with Sands.

Just then the Manor unfroze. "What the hell?" Althea began.

"Sands." Paige said, "Nazarac just made off with Sands."

"This is not good!" Phoebe replied.

"Wait a second…" Xi began.

"And how did we get frozen?" Piper said.

"Nazarac is kind of like a magical leech. If you use a power against her, she will absorb it and be able to use it." Phoebe replied.

"So you're saying she has the power to…" Lance began.

The house shook violently then and they could hear Wyatt and Chris crying upstairs.

"Lance, knock it off!" Ted shouted from the staircase.

"It isn't me!" Lance protested.

"I would say yes." Phoebe replied.

"Wait a second…" Xi began, tugging on Piper's sleeve.

"So your saying Nazarac has gained power over earth, water, frog-like abilities, and the ability to freeze things?" Piper replied.

"That's a distinct possibility lady!" Shipwreck shouted from the stairwell as another tremor hit.

Althea turned on the TV in the living room saying, "We're not the only place hit…"

"Reports of freak earthquakes throughout San Francisco have left six people dead and scores more wounded…"

"GUYS!" Xi shouted. It wasn't in his nature to be too loud and bossy, but the situation called for it this time.

"What?" Piper asked.

"Look, we have a way to track Nazarac." Xi replied, "Polly still has the power of Phoebe's spell."

"But what can we do? You've seen that her power is absorbing our powers. She's like a mirror." Piper replied.

"I'm such an idiot!" Paige replied, "Of course, the way to vanquish Nazarac was in front of us the whole time."

"A mirror?" Phoebe asked.

"Yes. Her greatest strength is her greatest weakness." Paige replied, "Look, when she absorbs our powers and uses them against us she's like a mirror. We need some way to reflect her attacks back at her."

"Phoebe…" Piper began.

"I'm on it!" Phoebe replied.

"But when you reflect something against a mirror, won't it reflect back?" Althea asked.

"Yes." Paige replied, "That's why we have to negate Nazarac's ability to do that."

"How?" Althea blinked.

"Reinforcements." Shipwreck interjected.

"Absolutely not, Pop." Althea quipped.

"We'll have to distract Nazarac somehow." Paige began.

"Not that I'm complaining, but where's that stupid silver coyote of Lance's when…you…need…him…" Piper said, dragging out the last few words as the answer hit her with the force of an oncoming train.

"What are you saying, Lance's imaginary enemy is our only way to distract Nazarac long enough to come up with some kind of plan."

"What do you mean, more of you?" Phoebe shouted at open air.

"Are you OK, Pheebs?" Paige said.

"No, I'm just telling this brown furred idiot I'm not releasing more of his kind into our realm." Phoebe replied.

"_What _brown furred idiot?" Piper asked.

"You don't see him?" Phoebe asked.

"I do." Lance said, "No, I don't need more of you around!"

The others stood back as Lance and Phoebe argued with empty air. What Lance and Phoebe saw was a large brown furred coyote with the mannerisms of a scientist.

"Why let our brother have all the fun?" the brown furred Coyote demanded.

"Yeah, after a few hundred years of having no one to talk to, we get bored." A gray furred Coyote piped in.

"Great," Althea said, "Lance, snap out of it!"

The phone rang and Piper answered it, "Hello. No Darryl, I don't know anything about a silver furred coyote dancing around Golden Gate Park in lederhosen singing Oktoberfest songs."

"Guys, I think we might have found Nazarac…" Piper said, cupping the receiver of the phone.

* * *

"Give me back my wand you silver furred annoyance!" Nazarac shouted.

"_Ist das nicht ein magic wand?" _The Coyote sang out, wearing a white shirt and green lederhosen and a green hat with a feather in it.

"Yes that is my magic wand!" Nazarac shouted.

"_Will_ _it float in that little pond_?" The Coyote sang as it danced around.

"Yes it will float in that little pond…" Nazarac growled, annoyed.

"_Magic wand. Fit in pond. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank!" _The Coyote sang as he threw wand. Nazarac dived after it and the Coyote, using Pietro's power of speed ran like a maniac across the water, catching the wand. The millennia old Aztec demon wound up getting very wet for her troubles.

"Hey!" Sands shouted, from the stone altar he was tied too, "Will you quit singing songs from the Animaniacs and save me!"

"_Ist das nicht ein grumpy man?" _The Coyote sang.

"Fuck yeah I'm a grumpy man!" Sands shouted.

"_Ist das nicht ein wet old witch?" _The Coyote sang.

"_Grumpy man, wet old witch. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank." _The Coyote sang out.

"_Ist das nicht ein wet old witch?" _The Coyote sang, "_Ja das nicht ein wet old witch!_"

"_Ist das nicht ein frozen fish?_" The Coyote continued, "_Ja das nicht ein frozen fish!_"

"_Frozen fish! Wet old Witch! Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank!" _The Coyote sang and bashed Nazarac over the head with a frozen fish.

"_Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank!" _The Coyote sang as Nazarac chased him all over Golden Gate Park.

* * *

TBC (Up next, Nazarac picks up an uninvited guest…or two)

**Druze, Druses, Drooze - **are a small, distinct religious community based mostly in the Middle East, whose religion resembles Islam, but is influenced by Greek philosophy and other religions. They are an ethnic minority found in Syria, Lebanon, and Israel. They loyally serve the military and government of whatever nation they find themselves living in. Many Druze serve in the Israeli Defense Force and Border Guard.


	11. The Boys are Back in Town

The Boys are Back in Town

Disclaimer: Same as before…Piper still owns P3 at this time.

AN: If you hear references to Prue's letters, read my fics _Journey of a Halliwell_ and _Once Upon a Time in Traverse Town._

* * *

"Phoebe, what are you waiting for, cast the spell and release those coyotes." Paige urged.

"Wait a second! One annoying silver furred dog was enough! _Three _of them is just asking for trouble." Piper replied.

"The Book of Shadows has to have something about them." Paige countered and ran upstairs.

"Come on, lady, what's the hold up?" The brown furred Coyote asked Phoebe.

"My sister wants to find out more about you guys before we release you into our world." Phoebe replied, she was going to hold back the idea that they would be only around for twenty four hours.

Paige ran back downstairs just then, "Well, there's something about them in the Book of Shadows. Apparently the Papago believes that they are the Three Guardians of Chaos."

"Well that's accurate." Piper remarked, "Considering one of their brothers is already causing complaints in Golden Gate Park…"

"Well the Silver Furred one is the Guardian of Mischief, the Brown Furred one is the Guardian of Trickery, and the Gray Furred one is the Guardian of Guile." Paige replied.

"So are they evil?" Phoebe asked, again talking to thin air.

"Oh no! Don't believe anything they say!" Lance shouted, "One Coyote running amok is all I can handle, I don't need THREE of them driving me insane!"

"Ditto!" Piper replied.

"Please." The Guardian of Guile replied, "Evil? Nah? Those guys are way too wound tight. They're fun to annoy, but they always wanna use us for killing this guy, wiping out these guys, take over this place, yada yada yada."

"According to the book they aren't evil." Paige replied, "They're the spirits of three fun loving brothers who wandered too far from their settlement and were tortured to death by a conquistador that was convinced they knew the location the golden Seven Cities of Cibola. The Great Spirit turned them into three coyotes and he cursed the Conquistador that killed them."

"Let me guess, they annoyed the guy to death?" Piper asked.

"Pretty much." Paige replied, "They say that Marquez, the conquistador, spent the rest of his life yelling at three imaginary spirits. He could be seen walking all over Cordoba, yelling at the air from time to time after the King of Spain tossed him on his haunches out of the court."

"OK, Phoebe, release them." Piper said, "On second thought, wait…"

Piper ran into the basement and grabbed two dog muzzles and leashes. "Now release them."

Phoebe nodded, "_Creatures of another plane. Cause of conquistador's woes and pain. Invisible to all but him and I. Be seen for all by the naked eye." _

Just then a brown furred coyote and a gray furred coyote appeared in the middle of the kitchen. The gray furred Coyote, the Guardian of Guile, scratched his fur with his hind paw.

"Ah! Breathe the free air!" Guile began.

"I say," Trickery began, in a trademark British accent typical of educated Londoners, as he walked up to Piper, "We are not dogs. I've never been so insulted in all my life. I am a _canis latrans_ or coyote…"

"I know you're not a dog." Piper snapped, "You're a coyote and a brother of an extremely annoying…"

"Ah yes, my youngest brother can be a bit of bother." Trickery began, standing on his hand paws and putting an arm around Piper's shoulders, as if to commiserate.

Piper was a bit wary, after all this coyote was the Guardian of Trickery, "For a trickster, you do seem refined."

"Well my dear, we eldest siblings must always maintain a certain image…" Trickery replied before drawing away, bearing Piper's bra in his mouth.

"What the - ?" Piper shouted angrily.

"And true Trickery is of the subtle variety." Trickery replied.

"Come back here you!" Piper shouted, chasing the coyote about the room.

Just then the door opened, as Darryl walked inside and into a lot of chaos. "Tell me I'm dreaming and Piper isn't running around with a meat cleaver after a brown coyote with a bra in it's mouth."

"I'm afraid not, my friend." Ted replied.

"Where did that thing come from?" Darryl asked.

"Let's just say that the Oktoberfest singing coyote has some siblings…" Paige added.

"And there's _three _of them now?" Darryl shouted, veins appearing in his neck and his left eyebrow twitching, "_Three _walking, talking, _singing _coyotes are going to wreak havoc all over San Francisco."

"Yes." Ted replied, bluntly.

"OK, first there's a shape changing demon with a hatred of blind people running around." Darryl said, "Then there's a silver coyote running around after the shape changing demon, but isn't evil. And NOW this coyote has siblings that are about to annoy the demon."

"That's about right." Paige replied.

"I need to sit down…" Darryl said, flopping down onto an easy chair, "Better still I'll need some Anacin."

Paige replied, "I hope this is enough to distract Nazarac."

"I'm certain it will." Lance replied, "Their brother distracts me enough times."

"More like drives you psychotic." Althea remarked.

"_Anyone _who had to deal with a crazy coyote all the time would be slightly psychotic." Phoebe replied, "This doesn't sound like any Ask Phoebe letter I've ever seen."

"And where, sweet maiden, is our brother?" Guile asked, sauntering up to Phoebe.

"He's in Golden Gate Park." Phoebe replied, "Causing trouble for some demon named Nazarac."

"Hmm, is she evil?" Guile asked.

"Yes." Phoebe replied.

"And overly wound tight?" Guile replied.

"Yes." Phoebe replied.

"Hmm…" Guile replied, "Heh heh heh heh heh! Trickery! Let's go and have some fun!"

"I say one thing, dear brother: The boys are back in town…"

"_Guess who just got back today! Them wild eyed boys that have been away! Haven't changed had much to say, but man I still think them cats are crazy! They were asking if you were around. How you was? Where you could be found? Told them you were living downtown! Driving all the old men crazy…" _Guile sang out.

"_The boys are back in town! The boys are back in town!" _The two coyotes sang as they ran out the front door, cackling maniacally.

"It's official, now I've seen everything." Darryl said, "First I see demons, magical creatures, and now two intelligent yet insane coyotes singing annoying '80s songs that get stuck in your head forever. Forget the Anacin, I need a drink."

"Amen." Jack Sparrow said, "And I think I can oblige you matey…"

"What do you got?" Darryl asked.

"Forget your troubles, chum, with a bottle of rum…" Jack replied.

"Oh no you don't!" Piper snapped, snatching the rum out of his hands, "There is no way you're getting _Darryl _drunk too!"

"More for me then!" Jack Sparrow said, taking down a swig before Piper snatched the bottle out of his hands.

"You're staying dry for this one…" Piper snapped, "I swear this would be easier without 'allies'. And those certainly are some allies, two alcoholic sailors, a former runway model, four insane mutant teenagers, a Canadian, a blind guy, and now three insane coyotes."

* * *

"We'll be right back, Courtney." Shipwreck said, gently, squeezing Cover Girl's hand, she in and out of consciousness.

"Just make sure you guys nail her for me…" Cover Girl replied, coughing, "In case I don't…"

"Don't even think about it, soldier." Shipwreck snapped, "You're going to make it."

"Hector," Cover Girl said, "I can barely keep my eyelids up…"

"This is why women don't belong in the military!" Shipwreck snapped, "Where's your fighting spirit. Come on, are you going to prove me right!"

"Shipwreck, when you guys beat this Nazarac lady, you're in for some pain." Cover Girl groaned.

"That's the spirit." Shipwreck replied as he walked downstairs, "I'll be back soon, and you'll be better."

"Are you ready?" Darryl asked.

Shipwreck nodded, as he chambered rounds into his twin Desert Eagles. He left Jack Sparrow upstairs and left Cover Girl her rifle in case the Heartless made an appearance at the Manor.

"Let's hope those coyotes of yours distract Nazarac long enough for Paige's idea to work." Shipwreck remarked.

"Shouldn't we just wait for Nazarac to come to us? Where you're at your strongest…" Darryl asked.

"We have to go after her while she's off balance, Leo." Piper interjected.

"Fortune favors the bold." Ted quipped, "Virgil, the _Aeneid_."

"Look, I'm in favor of getting rid of Nazarac too, but we should…" Darryl began, "I'm just saying it might be smarter to fight the demon on your home turf."

"If Nazarac kills Sands, she'll be even harder to beat." Piper replied, "We have to stop Nazarac before midnight…Otherwise Cover Girl dies, and Sands gets sacrificed."

Polly flapped back to the house and through an open window, "Awk! Heartless in the park! Heartless in the park!"

"OK," Shipwreck said, "That doesn't change anything. The Coyotes will keep Nazarac off balance, while the Charmed Ones engage her. Toad, you and Xi go rescue Sands and keep anything hostile away from him. Wavedancer, you and Lance lie in wait near the pond. The rest of us will engage the Heartless and retreat towards the pond and then you and Lance do your stuff."

The group jumped into Paige and Piper's cars and headed for the park.

* * *

"_Ist das nicht ein wet old witch?" _The Coyote sang, "_Ja das nicht ein wet old witch!_"

"_Ist das nicht ein frozen fish?_" The Coyote continued, "_Ja das nicht ein frozen fish!_"

"_Frozen fish! Wet old Witch! Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank!" _The Coyote sang and bashed Nazarac over the head with a frozen fish.

"_Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank!" _The Coyote sang as Nazarac chased him all over Golden Gate Park.

"Hey brother, can I join!" Guile shouted, dressed in a traditional German peasant girl dress.

"Ja!" The Coyote shouted.

"Please don't!" Nazarac and Sands simultaneously shouted.

"_Ist das nicht ein chicken bone?" _Guile sang, pulling the item out of a trash barrel.

"_Ja das nicht ein chicken bone!" _Mischief shouted.

"_Ist das nicht ein wrinkled crone?" _Guile sang.

"_Ja das nicht ein wrinkled crone!_" Mischief replied.

"_Frozen fish, wet old witch! Chicken bone, wrinkled crone!" _The two coyotes sang after Mischief whacked Nazarac with the fish again, and started dancing with each other, singing, "_Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank!"_

"I'm screwed." Sands groaned.

"Your prospects are admittedly grim my friend." Came a British accented voice.

"Way to state the obvious." Sands replied, "Some crazy lady is about to sacrifice me for some ritual…Wait a second, where did you come from? Who the hell are you?"

"Quit singing songs from that ridiculous child's cartoon and die!" Nazarac shouted, making the ground shake.

"Let's say I'm no Saint Bernard, but here to save you nonetheless, shall we?" Trickery said and untied Sands, and snuck him away.

The cars of Paige, Darryl, and Piper pulled up to Golden Gate Park and Piper turned to ask, "Please tell me I didn't just see two coyotes dressed like Hansel and Gretel singing an Animaniacs song?"

"Sorry sis, you did." Paige replied.

"This is getting weirder and weirder." Phoebe remarked as the ground shook.

"Tell me about it." Paige replied as the three sisters headed towards Nazarac. Wavedancer and Avalanche were in position when several Heartless appeared before the three sisters.

Shipwreck bagged two of them with his twin Desert Eagles at close range. "You're covered!" Shipwreck shouted. As he spoke another Heartless, this one wearing knight's armor, complete with helmet, with a crossed out heart symbol on its chest raised its' claws and Shipwreck spun round, firing a Desert Eagle into the creature's chest, staggering it back a pace because of it's armor.

"Eat this!" Ted shouted and blasted the creature in the face with the shotgun in Darryl's trunk. The SFPD officer had handed Ted the weapon before the fighting had started.

"Ted, watch out!" Darryl said, putting three rounds into another Soldier Heartless about to claw Ted.

"Thanks!" The Canadian replied, pumping the Franchi SPAS-12 shotgun again and blasting a jumping Shadow Heartless in midair with a cloud of buckshot.

Xi and Toad were covering each other as they raced towards Sands and Trickery. Before they got anywhere near Sands several Heartless surrounded Xi, and he promptly stuffed one of Piper's cookies into his mouth and swallowed.

"_Everybody was Kung-fu fighting…." _Xi shouted, jump kicking a Heartless and flipping in mid air to avoid the claw swipes of another Heartless, "_Those cats were fast as lightning. In fact it was a little bit frightening. But they fought with expert timing…" _

Xi landed, ducked another swinging claw from a Shadow Heartless, and then decapitated the creature with both his claws. After he had clawed and kicked his way through the attacking Heartless.

He ran over to Toad's side, who was fighting off three Soldier Heartless, his bo staff smacking against the metal armor that the creatures wore.

"_They were funky Chinamen," _Xi shouted, leaping high into the air and dropkicking one of the Soldier Heartless in the head, "_From funky Chinatown!" _

Right after he landed, Xi began to engage in fisticuffs with the other Soldier Heartless, blocking and parrying its attacks. "_They were chopping them up! They were chopping them down!" _

Xi back flipped to avoid a sword being swung by another Heartless, this one wearing baggy pants and wielding a scimitar sword. "_It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part. From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip."_

Xi kicked the Heartless in the arm, making it drop the sword, and then kicked it in the head. Toad promptly brained it with his bo staff right after.

"Funky my man!" Xi shouted, exchanging high-fives with Toad, and then promptly striking a John Travolta stance.

"_Oh that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it!" _Xi shouted, doing some more disco moves as he dodged more attacks from other Heartless heading towards Sands and Trickery.

Meanwhile Guile and Mischief were still singing Schnitzelbank as they kept annoying Nazarac.

"_Ist das nicht ein garbage bag?" _Mischief sang.

"_Ja das nicht ein garbage bag!" _Guile sang back as his silver furred brother held up a garbage bag.

"_Ist das nicht ein wrinkled hag?" _Mischief sang, pointing at Nazarac.

"_Ja das nicht ein wrinkled hag…" _Guile sang.

"Why you? I am not an old hag…"

"_Garbage bag! Wrinkled hag! Chicken bone! Wrinkled crone! Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank!" _The two coyotes sang, dodging various orbed projectiles that Nazarac was throwing around the park and laughing maniacally.

"Wow," Piper said, as they approached, "Lance has issues."

"Now I've got that Animaniacs song stuck in my head." Paige complained.

"Let's vanquish her while we're at it." Phoebe quipped.

"Ah," Nazarac shouted, "The Charmed Ones, back again…"

Nazarac was about to use Piper's freezing power when she was promptly run over by a golf cart. "Where did they get a golf cart?" Paige blinked.

"_The boys are back in town! The boys are back in town!" _Mischief shouted as he drove the vehicle, and made a doughnut. When Nazarac tried to stand up, Guile walloped her upside the head with a golf club.

"Now!" Piper shouted.

"_Usurper of witches' spells. Unknown demon from unknown hells._ _Your stolen powers, leave us unscathed. By your attacks we are left unfazed!" _The sisters chanted as Nazarac attempted to freeze them.

Nazarac froze herself and Paige shouted, "Wand!"

The wand appeared in Paige's hand and Nazarac unfroze after a time. "Alright Nazarac...Fun's fun, but…"

"_Demon of the changing shape. Thief of powers, from the void escaped. Return henceforth from_ _whence you came…" _The three sisters chanted and Nazarac was surrounded by a swirling mist. She started to break free.

"Keep chanting it!" Paige shouted.

"_Demon of the changing shape. Thief of powers, from the void escaped. Return henceforth from_ _whence you came." _The sisters kept their chant,_ "Demon of the changing shape. Thief of powers, from the void escaped. Return henceforth from_ _whence you came."_

Nazarac shrieked as the mist sucked her into the void and standing where she stood was Rafaela, Sands' caretaker.

"Wait a minute, why are the Heartless still there?" Piper asked.

"Because Heartless don't always vanish when you vanquish the main demon." Phoebe replied, remembering Prue's letters that they kept receiving over the years.

"Should we help?" Paige asked.

Mischief, Guile, and Trickery were riding around on the golf cart at top speed with Sands clinging onto the rails for dear life. They were brandishing mallets and golf clubs. "_The boys are back in town! The boys are back in town!_" They sang.

"Man, we didn't even get to rock their world." Lance complained as he and Althea walked back into the park watching the others mop up the last of the Heartless.

"Well, at least your imaginary enemy is bugging someone else now, and not you." Paige quipped.

"Everything seems to be in order." Phoebe began.

"Not quite," Piper said, turning towards her younger sister with an annoyed expression, "We've got _three _insane coyotes on the loose now."

Shipwreck stroked his beard saying, "I may just have a solution to that problem."

"Shipwreck has a solution to something?" Lance said, "That can't be good."

"Relax, I guarantee you guys are going to love what I get on film for you…" Shipwreck grinned.

"Why do I get the feeling I'm going to have a major migraine because of you guys?" Piper asked.

"Because you probably will." Darryl said, "Where's that Anacin…"

"I've got something far better, my friend, here, take a sip." Shipwreck said, producing a small metal flask from his belt.

"Oh no you don't!" Althea shouted.

"Ow! Ow! Ow!" Shipwreck shouted as Althea dragged him off.

* * *

Several hours later, a unit from GI Joe had been dispatched to search the area and secure Golden Gate Park together with elements of the SFPD. The others were now clustered around the Halliwell Manor's living room, waiting for General Hawk.

"Three…two…one…." Shipwreck counted down.

The tape began to roll on an FOH meeting, where Reverend Stryker talked to a group his followers. Suddenly bright lights began to fill the room, coming from several enormous spotlights.

"_It's there in the eyes of the children. In the faces smiling in the windows! You can come on out, come on open the doors. Brush away the tears of freedom!" _Mischief, the silver furred coyote, sang.

"Die mutie freak!" Duncan shouted.

"_Now we're here, there's no turning back. We have each other. We have one voice._" Mischief continued to sing, jumping into the air, on top of Reverend Stryker's head, "_Hand in hand we will lay the tracks. Because the train is coming to carry you home."_

"Don't just stand there!" Stryker shouted, "Get this hellspawn off my head!"

"I've got him boss!" Duncan shouted and swung a crowbar.

"_Come dance with me! Come on and dance into the light_!" Trickery, Guile, and Mischief all sang out, while Mischief jumped and did a split in mid air. The crowbar bashed down onto Stryker's head.

"This is cruel." Piper remarked, "I don't care if Stryker's a nutjob…"

"Still, you can't go wrong with Phil Collins." Ted replied. Piper looked at him as though he'd gone completely screwy.

"I have to admit, Lance's imaginary enemy has good taste in music." Leo said. Piper elbowed him in the ribs, "Ow, Piper…I was gonna say I don't agree with their beating up on the FOH like that."

"You're in the minority, my friend." Ted replied.

"Even if they are a bunch of punks, they don't deserve that…" Piper said, "Ouch! That looks painful…"

"_Dance into the light!" _The Coyotes shouted as one of them tied a Roman candle to an FOH member's ankle and set it off.

"HELP! WATER! WATER!" the thug screamed as he ran around trailing flashes of multicolored flame all over the meeting hall, setting fire to things at random.

"They certainly have a great music repertoire." Ted remarked. Paige elbowed him in the ribs, and Ted protested, "What?"

"That's still cruel and unusual…" Paige remarked.

"Put me down! Put me down!" Duncan screamed as the Coyotes carried him across the room.

"Dum dum dum da da da da da da dum…" they chanted as they carried him.

"You got it Toyota." Mischief said as his brothers continued to hum the funeral dirge and duct taped Duncan to a giant cylinder. The camera moved out of focus and the living room's occupants could see it was a giant bottle rocket.

"Where did they get all those fireworks?" Piper asked.

"I don't know how one Coyote does it, who knows what three of them are capable of." Lance replied.

"I know what they're capable of." Piper said, "A lot of chaos, mayhem and destruction."

"You can say that again." Shipwreck replied.

"This was your idea, buster!" Cover Girl said, turning on Shipwreck.

"I just told them to pay Stryker a visit. I didn't say to sing Phil Collins songs and cause chaos and destruction." Shipwreck said.

"Knowing that they'd cause widespread destruction, fire, and an explosion or two." Cover Girl added, and then smiled, "Brilliant."

"You people are insane." Piper remarked.

"Bon voyage!" The Coyotes said and lit the fuse of the rocket.

"AAAIIIEEEEEEEE!" Duncan shouted as the rocket propelled him out of the building, through the skylight and into the San Francisco night sky.

"CINCO DE MAYO!" The Coyotes shouted.

"I wonder how long a rocket like that burns?" Xi remarked.

"I dunno, but all I can say is Duncan has gone off into the wild blue yonder." Toad replied, "Just like the Air Force song."

The Coyotes disappeared from view, temporarily as the SFPD burst into the room, with Darryl leading them. "I see this is a violation of the fire code. Where's your permit."

"It wasn't our fault!" an FOH member protested.

"We were attacked." Stryker replied.

"By whom?" Darryl asked.

"Coyotes. Three insane coyotes attacked us…" Stryker replied.

"You expect me to believe three animals without opposable thumbs bought out every fireworks' vendor for twenty miles, launched the biggest bottle rocket in history, and set off the biggest fireworks' display outside of Chinatown and the Fourth of July?" Darryl said, forcing down a smile.

"Yes!" Stryker said, "The spawn of hell…"

"The spawn of hell had nothing to do with it. Officers arrest these men." Darryl ordered.

"But we were attacked!" Stryker protested as a cop lead him away in handcuffs.

The tape showed the Coyotes dropping the tape outside the Halliwell Manor, "Thanks for lending us Beach Head's credit card, Shipwreck!" Mischief shouted, and as the clock struck midnight, they vanished.

The tape stopped and Piper shut off the VCR in time for another newscast. "The San Francisco Museum experienced a break in by quite possibly the dumbest criminal in history."

"What?" Piper asked.

"Hey, isn't that where Prue used to work?" Phoebe asked.

"Yeah." Piper replied, "Shh, let's hear this."

"Duncan Matthews was arrested tonight, with third degree burns and multiple cuts and bruises when he apparently tied himself to a massive bottle rocket and fired himself towards the museum. The rocket exploded and Mr. Matthews fell through the skylight and into the display of really sharp objects…"

The screen showed a clip of a massive, multi-colored streak flying overhead. The rocket exploded in a splash of color and a body could be seen falling towards the skylight of the museum and then a loud crash could be heard.

Prue astral projected into the living room just then, "What's going on in here? Who are you guys?"

"We might say the same." Shipwreck asked.

"Prue," Piper began, "We have guests."

"I can see that." Prue replied.

"Don't worry, they're friends." Piper replied, and then glared at Sands saying, "Though I use the term loosely for one or two of them."

"So they know…" Prue began.

"They kinda helped us vanquish a demon, Prue, of course they know." Piper remarked defensively.

"This is our sister, Prue." Phoebe replied, "She's been giving us information on the Heartless for the past three years."

"Didn't they say you died?" Ted asked.

"I did." Prue replied, "But the Whitelighters reincarnated me on another world, on another mission. It's a long story."

Prue's attention turned towards the TV, "Wait a second, that's the museum I used to work at."

"That it is." Piper replied, "They just had a break-in."

The screen showed a reporter running alongside Duncan, who was strapped to a gurney and heavily bandaged.

"Mr. Matthews, why did you break into the museum?" the reporter asked.

"The coyotes. The coyotes…" Duncan said.

"It is evident that Duncan Matthews is mentally unstable." Came the newscaster's voice.

"How did he injure himself like that?" Prue asked, "Rappeling through the skylight with a clothesline?"

"Not exactly." Shipwreck grinned.

Piper told Prue exactly what happened and Prue replied, "What idiot straps himself to a rocket to try and break into a museum?"

"This idiot apparently." Althea replied.

"Are these guys insane?" Prue replied, "They're laughing at the poor guy."

"Lady, if you knew anything about this 'poor guy' you wouldn't be saying anything like that." Althea replied.

"And I thought the guys on the _Morrowind_ were strange." Prue remarked, and glanced at her watch, "I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm needed back on the _Morrowind_."

Prue returned to her physical body many worlds away as the others waited for Hawk to show up and talk to them.

* * *

AN: Don't worry, you'll get an explanation on how Prue is able to Astral project into the Manor in the next chapter of _Once Upon a Time in Traverse Town…_

TBC (Next: The San Francisco adventure winds down and the X-men and Misfits experience more training in the Pit...)


	12. If You're Complaining

If You're Complaining…

You Must Be Training

Disclaimer: Same as before…

AN: I could use help giving Ted a codename…

AN2: After reading RoguefanKC's _Light in the Heart of a Misfit_ I figured Elder Gideon was due for a visit by our Guardians of Chaos.

AN3: Any Pirates of the Carribean fans want to suggest what a Pirate style christening ceremony (for Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann's new baby) should entail? Then hit the tiny little review button...

* * *

Finally the Misfits that had been sent to San Francisco had returned and training had begun anew. In this case, the Misfits and X-men were going on a conditioning run through the desert with Ted. 

"What is this guy, lost or something?" Kitty gasped along as they ran along their fourth mile of hard baked desert trail, as the sun rose over the horizon.

"What is he trying to do, run us all the way to Mexico?" Ray asked. Ahead of them all was Ted, wearing his olive green Israeli military fatigue trousers, a tan MAGAV (Border Guard) t-shirt, and lightweight combat boots. He was loping along at a fairly steady but not blazingly fast clip.

Most of the X-men were, to their chagrin, strung out in a line behind the Misfits. Jean had a determined look on her face as she tried to catch up to Althea. "I'm not letting that little bitch beat me…no I'm not…" Jean said through gasps and clenched teeth. She and Scott were furthest ahead, but still slower than the Misfits.

"If you're complaining about the heat." Ted shouted evenly, "Think of what it was like when we trained in Israel. By sunrise it could be ninety degrees…"

"I'm gonna die…I'm gonna die…I'm gonna die." Kurt said as he padded along the ground.

"How far have we run?" Tabitha muttered.

"This blows! Even Arcade and the Blob are faster than us!" Bobby grunted.

"Duh, they've been doing this for a while!" Amara snapped, "Quit complaining."

"Sadistic Israeli bastard…" Scott groaned, as they pushed the last mile to a large rock.

"Where did he go?" Jean asked.

The X-men were all clustered around a large boulder, across the road from a dry wash and sporadic desert vegetation. They sat down on the rock or in its meager shade or somewhere in between, stretching sore and tired muscles.

"At least he's true to his word." Forge replied, "There's water here for all of us."

The X-men greedily gulped at the water from the jugs that Ted had left over there, with several cups. And they had almost forgotten that the Misfits and their instructor were nowhere in sight. That was until gunfire erupted all around them.

Bullets zipped by, narrowly missing them, skipping off the hard baked desert ground, splintering at cacti and vegetation. Scott jumped sideways and landed heavily on a small, stunted cactus, but that was the least of his worries as he curled up, waiting for the gunfire to subside. Almost as soon as the burst of gunfire had stopped, it had ended. Standing behind the X-men was Ted with an assault rifle in his hands.

"This is the Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle." Ted replied, the weapon trained on the X-men, "The preferred weapon of terrorist organizations the world over. Notice the distinctive report it makes when fired. Or the ratcheting sound when the charging handle is pulled back."

"We were kind of busy dodging bullets to notice those things!" Pitor snapped.

"Had I been a real terrorist, intent on ambushing you, almost all of you would be dead or wounded right now." Ted said, grimly, sweeping his weapon in an arc.

"That wasn't fair!" Jean protested, "We were resting, drinking water…"

"Combat isn't fair." Ted replied, evenly.

"This isn't combat!" Scott added, "We were at a rest stop…"

"Try telling members of an Israeli jeep convoy that was massacred in Lebanon in 1985." Ted replied, "They were resting and trying to orient themselves and failed to post a guard. They were unprepared and six Israeli soldiers died because of it."

"This isn't Lebanon!" Bobby snapped.

"My armor protects me from bullets." Pitor scoffed, "An enemy would have to be crazy to face us alone…especially a human enemy…"

Ted whistled and from all sides the Misfits stormed out of the dry wash. "A wise foe will never attack alone. While I drew your attention with the gunfire, the Misfits snuck into position behind you and at the flanks." Ted replied.

"You – !" a red faced Jean began before a truck pulled up. Sitting in the vehicle were Cover Girl and Roadblock.

"We heard all the noise. And now I see Ted standing here, with a gun poised." Roadblock asked, "What's going on?"

"I was merely telling and showing our friends on the other team a lesson regarding combat and ambush." Ted replied.

"Those bullets had better have been blanks. Or Hawk's gonna be angrier than when Shipwreck trashed those tanks." Roadblock replied.

"There was a valid training purpose to this." Ted replied.

"Well, you could convince Hawk, but Xavier's gonna be pissed that you fired live rounds at his students." Cover Girl replied.

"I have enough training with this weapon and enough confidence in my aim that I wouldn't have hit any of them." Ted protested.

"We'll talk about this later." Cover Girl replied, "Come on kids, climb aboard."

Ted stayed where he was, "I'm not needed for another few hours, I just need some time to think over something."

"Be back before lunch." Cover Girl said.

"I will." Ted replied, and he began to remove his combat boots, replacing them with a pair of soft soled, sneaker like camp shoes he had stored in a small backpack with the water. He began to climb the great boulder after he slung the AK-47 across his back.

Cover Girl rolled her eyes and said, "I wonder why some people can't keep their two feet on solid ground."

"Easy, I get bored." Ted replied, as he was halfway up the great boulder.

* * *

"What do you think?" Paige asked Phoebe that morning at breakfast. 

"About what?" Phoebe asked, "I think your sweater looks nice."

"No," Paige replied, "You write an advice column. How about some free sisterly advice…"

"This is about Ted, isn't it?" Phoebe replied, smiling, "Come on, I saw how you two were flirting with each other last night."

"He seems like a nice guy. A little off beat, sure, but…" Paige replied.

"…His friends are completely insane." Piper said, "That alone is a turnoff."

"You never really complained about Leo's friends." Phoebe observed.

"Well, Leo may have some unusual friends, like Nigel the Whitelighter but they're not screwloose relatives of the Mad Hatter like Shipwreck, Jack Sparrow, or those three coyotes." Piper began.

"Piper, we're trying to help Paige here." Phoebe replied, as she poured herself some coffee.

"Well, you saw what happened last time Ted was over here." Piper protested, "The house got wrecked, I was nearly driven insane, San Francisco almost got leveled by freak earthquakes, and we were nearly exposed!"

"That so does not count…" Phoebe replied, "We had a demon on our hands."

"Well the people Ted hangs around are about as destructive and certainly more insane than any demon I've ever seen!" Piper snapped

"To be fair, Lance was experimented on." Paige interjected.

"Will you guys shut up?" Phoebe shouted at open air.

"Fine…" Paige began in a huff.

"No, I don't think she was yelling at us." Piper replied.

Indeed, Phoebe seemed to be carrying on a conversation with thin air. "Why don't you guys bug Lance or something?"

Phoebe turned to her sisters, "You won't believe this, they have a schedule of who they bug and when. Lance isn't due to be bothered until one o'clock."

"No, Bambi eyes are not going to get me to release you again. Considering the damage you caused last time…" Phoebe argued.

"But it was the FOH we attacked, that's gotta count for something…" Mischief said.

"Yeah, you guys also destroyed the museum skylight when you strapped Duncan Matthews to that enormous bottle rocket!" Phoebe snapped back.

"I do think you're overreacting." Trickery replied.

"Overreacting…OVERREACTING!" Phoebe shouted, "You guys almost set fire to one building, totally trashed another, and ruined an exhibit of really sharp objects."

"But we're not supposed to annoy Lance until one o'clock and we're bored." Guile protested.

"Why don't you go annoy Elder Gideon or something?" Phoebe said, exasperated.

"Hey!" Mischief said, "That's not a bad idea! Onward brothers!"

"Phoebe…" Piper said, her left eye twitching, "Are you out of your mind! Elder Gideon is not going to be happy when he gets driven insane by three singing coyotes!"

"According to the Book of Shadows, harming the Guardians of Chaos is forbidden even to the Elders." Paige replied.

"Anyway, back to our original topic." Phoebe said, "Paige, I'm happy for you, just be careful like you'd be for any other guy."

Leo orbed into the room just then, covered in soot and ash as well as what appeared to be whipped cream.

"Guys," Leo began, "It's really a mess up there."

"Phoebe…" Piper began, advancing menacingly on her sister.

"What's Phoebe got to do with this?" Leo asked.

"Well, there's a certain problem with three demented coyotes who keep a schedule on who to annoy and when to annoy them…" Paige began.

* * *

"AAGGHHH!" Natalie screamed as she streaked across the Whitelighter area with rocket powered roller skates. 

"Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" Guile laughed.

"Will someone get these coyotes out of here?" Elder Gideon demanded as the coyotes in Mariachi getup stood around the Whitelighter area singing at the top of their lungs.

"_Hola mis amigo_s!" The Coyotes began to sing, "_It's fiesta time for you_…"

"Will you people stop this non….WWHHOOOAAAA!" Elder Gideon shouted as he ran up to the singing Coyotes before a rocket powered Natalie bowled right into him.

"HELP!" Gideon shouted as Natalie carried him in her arms, her momentum being helped along by the two rockets apiece on her roller skates.

As they sang, the Coyotes began to set off a huge Roman candle in the palace and cause a heck of a lot of ruckus.

"…_Swing in Acapulco with anyone you meet…" _The Coyotes sang as Gideon grabbed onto a hanging vine and held on for dear life while Natalie continued to fly into other Whitelighters at high speeds.

"What on earth is going on over here?" Patty Halliwell shouted.

"AAGGGGHHH!" Natalie shouted as she went flying by on the rocket powered skates.

"Why are there three coyotes dressed up like Mariachi singers singing an EPCOT song up here?" Penelope asked.

"GET ME DOWN!" Gideon screamed as the Coyotes spun him around with a rope tied around his ankles on a block and tackle rig in a huge circle.

"_It's here for everyone. See the festivities, run to late at night…Fiesta late at night_…" The Coyotes sang as they spun the wooden lever.

More bottle rockets started to go off, creating a massive fireworks display the like of which the Whitelighter Area had never seen (and likely would never again want to see).

The rockets in Natalie's skates burned out. "Thank God," Natalie began as she tried to stop, and then she looked up, in time to see a large marble column looming, "Oh no…"

WHAM! Natalie ran into the pillar and knocked herself unconscious. Meanwhile the Coyotes were covering Gideon in glue and pasting yellow and red feathers all over his body as they spun him around faster and faster.

"What's going on here?" Patty demanded of Trickery.

"Why, my dear lady, it is El Cinco Del Mayo…" Trickery replied.

"It's barely February!" Patty shouted.

"Details, details, my dear." Trickery replied, "We're celebrating according to the Aztec Calendar."

"Quetzalcoatl! Get your tail feathers back here!" Melinda Warren shouted, shaking her fist.

"Hic! Wow is that tequila potent…" The Aztec winged snake god said as he flapped about erratically.

"Remind me to kill those whoever decided those Coyotes should be the Guardians of Chaos." Melinda groaned.

"I think Elder Gideon is ruing the day he created them…" Penelope replied.

Indeed, on this block and tackle rig, Elder Gideon's three closest advisors were also covered in feathers and glue and being spun around by three gleefully singing coyotes.

"I'm certain you rue giving that 'no harm must come to the Guardians of Chaos' clause right now?" One of them said.

"Just shut up and let me vomit in peace." Elder Gideon commented and promptly puked up the remnants of the ambrosia salad he'd eaten for breakfast all over the place.

* * *

"That crazy bastard." Scott muttered, "I swear he was trying to kill us all." 

"Ugh. He already did with that run. _Six _miles, what was he training us to do, invade the neighboring county?" Pitor replied.

"Hey, at least you didn't do it with an eighty pound rucksack." Pietro replied, "Of course, when you're in shape…"

"Are you implying something?" Kitty demanded.

"Nothing really, saddlebags." Pietro began.

"That's it!" Kitty shouted and launched herself at Pietro, who dodged her attack easily.

"Lousy Israeli and his lousy gun…I'll show him surprise when I ice…" Bobby began.

Lance shoved Bobby saying, "Don't talk about Ted like that!"

"Why not? He almost killed us all!" Bobby snapped.

"You saw he wasn't aiming at us!" Lance replied.

"I couldn't really see anything." Scott complained.

"Oh, I forgot you dived out of the way Cactus Butt." Lance replied, "Ted was trying to teach you guys to always keep your guard up. He learned that in Israel, fighting in the Gaza Strip."

"Hey what makes you so buddy-buddy with that guy anyway?" Bobby replied, sneering at Lance, "Would it have something to do with why you never jumped in Kitty's bones?"

"Hey!" Lance snapped angrily.

"Bobby, if you value your life you'll shut your trap right now…" Wanda said in a menacing tone.

"He's kinda like the big brother I never had." Lance protested.

"The big brother I never had, what a laugh." Bobby said, "Maybe it has something to do with what mommy and daddy did to you…"

Lance angrily stormed out of the room. Bobby never got far in his snide remark when the back of Kitty's hand smacked him in the cheek. "Why do you have to be such an asshole Bobby? Why? Lance couldn't have done anything about that? He was just a kid!"

As Kitty spoke, her tone of voice became angrier and angrier as she railed at Bobby, "Why are you such an insensitive jerk?"

Bobby, despite his relative immaturity, began to feel like a real jerk as the glaring eyes of the Misfits, and some X-men bore down on him.

* * *

"Stupid…stupid…stupid jerk…" Lance sputtered. 

"What happened?" a voice said gently.

Lance glanced up to see Ted sitting on top of a large boulder. "I kinda wanted to be alone." Lance replied.

"I understand." Ted added, "In fact, come up here. It's really peaceful being on your own in nature for a while…"

The sound of the **Hatikvah** began to echo from Ted's mobile, and he grinned saying, "Excuse me…"

Lance grinned at his fellow Misfit, "Paige?"

Ted nodded, smiled, and answered the call. "Hello."

"Turn on your TV…" Paige began.

"Why?" Ted asked, "And for your information, I'm in the middle of the desert on top of a boulder."

"Oh." Paige replied, "I just wanted to tell you that Duncan Matthews is a runner up for the Worlds Dumbest Criminals hall of fame."

"Who would have thought?" Ted smiled, "How are you?"

"I've still got the song _Dance into the Light_ in my head." Paige replied, "Thanks to those coyotes."

"_Come dance with me. Come on and dance into the light…" _Ted began.

"Very funny." Paige replied.

"_Everybody dance into the light_." Ted continued.

"Stop." Paige replied, laughing playfully on the other side of the line.

"On a more serious note." Ted began. _Damn it, be a man and ask her. You can run through buildings with gunfire all around and you can't ask a woman on a date? _

"Yes…" Paige prompted after Ted faltered for a bit.

"I was wondering what you were up to Friday night? I realize that this is short notice, and you probably have plans…" Ted began.

"I didn't." Paige replied, "But I do now."

Ted grinned and nearly started dancing around on top of the boulder. "Ted?" Paige asked after another long silence.

"Yeah." Ted replied.

"I thought you fell off the rock or something when I said yes." Paige replied, "So what did you have planned?"

"Dinner and a movie sound good?" Ted replied, "Both being my treat."

"Sounds wonderful." Paige said, her heart hammering. _Oh my God, he asked me. I can't believe it…_

"Paige, I need to use the phone right now…" Phoebe began.

"Ted, I'll call you back. Phoebe really wants to use the phone right now." Paige replied and hung up.

"So she said yes?" Lance asked.

Ted looked at him squarely and smiled. Lance returned the grin faintly saying, "Congrats."

Ted noticed that Lance seemed sad, even when congratulating him. "Hey," Ted began, softly, "What's wrong?"

"It's Kitty." Lance replied, "Her friends at the Institute keep warding me off…"

"A classic Romeo and Juliet type romance." Ted sympathized, "I know what you mean."

"Not only that, there's Tin Man, who keeps getting egged by Bobby and Remy to keep going after Kitty too…" Lance replied.

"Lance, I know more than you realize what it's like to care for someone and have to deal with all of that opposition." Ted replied, "Nine and a half years ago it drove me to Israel."

"Caitlyn, the girl Sands was talking about?" Lance replied, "I overheard."

"Yes." Ted replied. Just Ted's mobile went off again, "Hello. Yeah, Lance is here with me. He'll be alright and we'll be back at the house before lunch."

Ted hung up and Lance asked, "Who was that?"

"That was Spirit." Ted replied, "He wanted to know where you were. When you're ready, just head around the bend of the road, my truck's parked nearby. I'll leave you to your thinking."

"Thanks." Lance replied. Just then Ted's phone rang again.

"You seem to be pretty popular today." Lance observed.

"Yeah, first Spirit, then Paige, and then…Lifeline…" Ted replied.

"Please tell me you're not due for another check up." Lance laughed, "Or you're afraid of needles."

"Only if I happened to annoy Paige enough that she stuck me with 14,000 of them." Ted quipped back.

Ted checked his text message, "It seems that Lifeline's jeep broke down and they received a call from Misfit Manor saying Elizabeth went into labor."

"You mean Jack's wife?" Lance replied.

"No, she's Will's wife." Ted replied, "Somehow, if that were the case, Jack would have been keelhauled by Anamaria a long time ago. They need my truck."

Lance and Ted scrambled down from the boulder to Ted's truck and they drove back to Misfit Manor.

* * *

Will Turner was practicing his forms with the elegant sword, the last one he had made in his blacksmith's shop before the fall of Port Royal when Jack Sparrow came running into the back yard. 

"What's going on Jack…" Will asked.

"It's Elizabeth." Jack replied, "She's gone into labor."

At this, Will Turner, he who had fought against pirates and Heartless, braved storms at sea, undertook arduous journeys to distant lands, and risked life and limb for his beloved Elizabeth, promptly fainted dead away.

The door to the backyard opened and Spirit appeared in the doorway, "Can you explain why Will is unconscious on the floor, Jack?"

"He just received the word that Elizabeth just began to birth his child." Jack replied.

Trinity ran out into the back yard carrying a device that looked like a u-shaped magnet attached to a metal rod with an electrical cable spliced with several more wires and a car battery.

"What the devil is that device?" Jack asked.

"It's the Revivatron 5000A, now we get a chance to test it!" Trinity giggled excitedly.

"What happened to the Revivatron 5000?" Spirit asked, "Or do I not wish to know…"

"The watermelon we zapped with it exploded." Daria calmly explained.

"You three are NOT blowing up Mr. Turner!" Spirit began.

"Don't worry Spirit, we used it on Beach Head last week and he's still around." Brittney quipped.

"So that's why he smelled like an underdone chicken when he babysat you." Spirit replied.

"Stand back!" Quinn shouted.

"Trinity don't…." Spirit began when the magnet began to glow white, thrumming with a strange and painful power.

The Revivatron 5000A touched Will in the butt and did its job, promptly reviving him. "YYYOOOWWW!" Will shouted as several volts worth of electricity coursed through him.

"He's alive! He's alive!" Trinity chanted.

"Barely…" Will groaned as smoke clouds issued from his mouth.

"We'd best get you to the hospital mate…" Jack began, "Elizabeth's gone into labor."

As they headed inside Spirit, Will, and Jack heard honks from the driveway, as Ted had pulled in. "Hurry, she's upstairs!" Jack said.

They ran upstairs to see Elizabeth lying in the bed she and Will shared in one of the guest bedrooms.

Will ran in first and Elizabeth shouted, "Where the hell have you been?"

"I said I'd be out back for a few minutes to practice my swordsmanship." Will replied.

"If my condition is any indication," Elizabeth began, hyperventilating between the contractions, "Your proficiency at a _different _type of swordsmanship is not in question…"

"Thank you." Will replied.

"You did not just say that." Lance groaned.

"You are never touching me again!" Elizabeth screamed as another contraction hit.

"Breathe…" Ted began. Having had training as a field medic with YAMAS, he knew that he had to calm Elizabeth down. Easier said than done.

"You've done this before?" Will asked.

"Twice." Ted replied, "It can't be nearly as bad as the first time."

"Soldier, undercover operative, and now we can add midwife to your list of talents." Lance quipped.

"What happened the first time?" Elizabeth asked.

"The expectant mother was my commanding officer's wife." Ted replied, "Now be careful in getting her downstairs…"

They managed to get Elizabeth into Ted's truck with Will sitting in the front, Lance and Spirit in the bucket seats in the back, and Jack Sparrow with the other pirates into the cab of the truck. As they drove along the road a siren from a police car was visible in the rear view mirror. Ted stopped the vehicle in time to see Law, the GI Joe Military Policeman, step out.

Ted rolled down the window and Law said, "You are aware that it's illegal to put people into the cab of a pickup truck, aren't you?"

"Ted," Will began, "I hope you can replace the covering of your front seat."

"I've got a slightly more pressing matter at hand." Ted replied.

"Elizabeth's water just broke." Spirit began.

"Mother of God." Ted groaned.

"OK," Law said, "I'll let you off with a warning this time. Just drive carefully."

Ted rolled the window back up before just about racing to the hospital where Bree and Lifeline waited with a gurney. They rushed Elizabeth to their delivery ward where Will waited, alongside his wife as she gave birth.

Will took Elizabeth's hand and then another contraction hit and she squeezed his fingers for dear life.

"Ow…my hand…" Will groaned.

"I'm giving birth!" Elizabeth demanded, "And you're complaining about your _hand._"

"Hint, never complain about any pain of your own if your wife's giving birth." Lifeline whispered.

"You're a father?" Will asked.

"No, but I remember Shipwreck complaining about a hangover when his son, Claudius was born. Needless to say his wife wasn't pleased." Lifeline replied.

"You mean Cover Girl…" Will asked.

"If you want to keep your life," Lifeline said, "Don't make that mistake again. Shipwreck's divorced. It's a long story."

Will decided it was better to concentrate on Elizabeth giving birth than trading stories about Shipwreck's love life or lack thereof.

"Come on, push…" Bree began.

"That's what I've been doing!" Elizabeth snapped, and then added, "Sorry."

"You're in labor; you're allowed to be a bitch." Bree replied.

"Will! I'm neutering you as soon as this baby is born!" Elizabeth screamed as another contraction hit.

"I'm glad I'm not you, mate." Jack called out.

"You're next!" Elizabeth snapped.

"I'll help." Anamaria said.

"Sorry darling…" Jack replied.

"Out…out…out!" Bree shouted at Jack and the pirates, who complied and headed out into the waiting room with Ted and the others.

Several hours later the other Misfits, X-men, and the Misfit handlers were clustered in the waiting room.

"Details?" Cover Girl asked, as Bree walked into the room.

"It's a boy, 20 inches long, 8.6 pounds, and when he's asleep he looks just like his father. His name is Alexander Weatherby Turner. The happy couple is bonding with their new son in the next room." Bree replied.

"We've got a christening to plan." Jack replied, a wicked gleam in his eyes.

"Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate's life for me…" Shipwreck began.

"Oh no you don't!" Cover Girl shouted, "You idiots aren't bringing any more alcohol, chaos, and destruction to the house with a new baby…"

"I may not have been here long." Emily observed, "But aren't alcohol, chaos and destruction the order of the day at Misfit Manor?"

"Unfortunately." Cover Girl groaned as Jack and Shipwreck took off for the nearest liquor store…

* * *

TBC (Soon to come, a pirate style christening celebration and Ted's first date with Paige.) 

**Hatikvah - **The national anthem of Israel which is Hebrew for 'The Hope'. One of its better performances was John Williams' _Munich _soundtrack, it's an especially haunting piece. It was played when they announced the deaths of the Israeli athletes in Munich.


	13. A First Date's Chaos

A First Date's Chaos

Disclaimer: Same as before…

AN: Could use some help coming up with Ted's codename.

* * *

"Mr. Griffin," Xavier began, "I'm told that you fired off live rounds at my students." 

"That is true." Ted replied, "Hawk and Roadblock have already spoken to me on this matter."

"I want to say that you exposed our students to unnecessary risk." Ororo added.

"I disagree." Ted replied, "It is important that they keep their situational awareness. In Israel, that is the first lesson we are taught."

"In case you haven't noticed this isn't Israel." Xavier replied.

"At any rate, we subject our students to the most realistic training possible." Ted replied, "And from what I hear, your Danger Room is filled with obstacles more deadly than thirty 7.62 jacketed rounds."

"The point is, Mr. Griffin, I've received complaints from the students regarding your training exercise yesterday." Xavier replied.

"Look," Ted replied, "You wanted us to train them, we're training them. I gave them a sample of battle training and taught them an important lesson on situational awareness."

"The point is, you could have resorted to less dangerous means." Ororo said.

"Nothing quite keeps your wits like the real thing." Ted replied, "I remember when we were in training, Samad used to throw half sticks of dynamite in with the artillery simulators. No one got hurt, but the explosions sure made us take cover."

"Your confidence in your aim, aside, Mr. Griffin," Xavier replied, "The point is your methods were a bit too extreme."

"You wanted realistic combat training, I gave it to them and now you're complaining." Ted replied, irritated.

"I merely advise that you tone your next training sessions down a notch." Xavier replied.

"I'll keep that in mind." Ted replied diplomatically, though his tone suggested otherwise. He stormed out of the Misfit Manor kitchen.

As he walked outside he ran into Lance. "Hey, you look happier." Ted observed.

"Kitty agreed to go out with me tonight." Lance replied.

"You don't seem too happy." Ted observed.

"People from both teams will just want to follow us around." Lance replied.

"Well, you just need to be secretive about your plans…" Ted replied.

"No matter what we do they find out." Lance replied.

"The just say what you're doing and don't give the place away till you get there…" Ted grinned.

"So you've got that date with Paige tonight too?" Lance said.

"Yeah." Ted replied, "I picked the restaurant and Paige picked the movie."

"Say…" Lance said, "Do you mind if we go to San Francisco with you?"

"What did Roadblock say?" Ted asked.

"We have to be close by the Pit. But you'll be around…" Lance replied.

"I'll be with Paige." Ted replied, "But as long as you check in with us…"

"I don't want to mess up your evening." Lance replied.

"You won't. As long as I can tell the phone call is from you, that'll be alright." Ted replied, and he took his mobile phone out. "I've set a different ring tone that sets you apart from my generic ring tone."

Ted demonstrated and the Schnitzelbank song began to play. Lance said, "Please tell me it's not that one?"

"It is." Ted replied.

"Those stupid Coyotes were singing and dancing to it in my dream last night. And I'm starting to associate almost everything I see with that song…" Lance complained.

Xavier wheeled by and Lance sang, "_Ist das nicht ein hairless man?" _

"_Ja das ich ein hairless man." _The three Coyotes sang.

"_Ist das nicht ein old beer can?" _Lance sang, plucking the offending item off of Xavier's wheel chair.

"_Ja das nicht ein old beer can._" The Coyotes replied.

"_Hairless man. Old beer can. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank…"_ They all shouted.

"There, I sang a verse! Are you guys happy!" Lance shouted, waving his arms.

"Much obliged." Mischief said, and the three Coyotes vanished.

"Those three again?" Ted asked.

"Yes." Lance replied, "Now that there's three of them, it's a hell of a lot harder to ignore them. I miss the days when there was just _one _coyote raising a ruckus."

"I wonder what those coyotes of yours get up to in their spare time?" Ted asked.

"You don't want to know…" Lance groaned, "Probably planning on bugging me or something."

"Or maybe giving Phoebe a hard time as well." Ted mused, "After all, she could see them as well."

* * *

"Lance is going on a date with Kitty?" Toad asked Trinity, the Misfits were all clustered inside Trinity's bedroom, "That can't be good." 

"That explains why he's been so hush-hush all week." Althea replied.

"So where did Shipwreck and Jack take off to after Will and Elizabeth's baby was born?" Arcade asked.

"To the liquor store of course, for the christening ceremony on Saturday." Althea replied, "Where else would those two go?"

"I know where…" Xi began.

"Don't answer that." Althea replied.

"How'd you get a bug onto Lance anyway?" Toad asked, "Ever since he bribed Arcade to build him that anti-listening device thing, it's been impossible to put listening devices in his room."

"I didn't say it wouldn't be easy…" Pietro began, "Let's just say Lance took the blame for the dead bugs in Wanda's shampoo prank a couple weeks ago."

"Anyway, how did you guys get that bug on Lance?" Arcade asked.

"We didn't." Trinity replied, "We snuck into Ted's room and replaced one of the buttons on his shirt when he was taking a shower."

"That makes sense." Althea replied, "He and Ted get along really well."

"Who's this Paige girl Ted keeps talking about?" Arcade asked.

"That's Ted's date in San Francisco." Althea explained, "You see, when Xi, Lance, Todd and I went on that mission to rescue Ted we ran into this demon called Nazarac. And apparently there were these three witches that live in the area and fight demons called the Charmed Ones."

"That's weird." Blob replied.

"It gets stranger. They're granted magical powers to fight against these demon thingies while trying to keep it all a secret." Althea replied.

"No wonder. They wouldn't want our level of publicity." Xi replied.

"Anyhoo they were three sisters named Piper, Phoebe, and Paige." Althea replied, "They rescued Ted from Nazarac and this blind ex-CIA officer named Sands who lost his eyesight Once Upon A Time in Mexico."

"Whoa." Arcade said, "The things we miss."

"So who are these witches again?" Blob asked.

"Piper's the older one who can freeze things or blow them up, and she can be a complete bitch." Althea replied, "Phoebe's the middle sister, and she can see the future when she touches people. She also can see Lance's three coyotes…"

"Three coyotes?" Wanda blinked, "Wow, Lance is _really _disturbed."

"Yeah, evidently they're the Guardians of Chaos." Althea replied.

"That's appropriate." Arcade replied, "Considering one of them causes more than his fair share of destruction whenever Lance loses it."

"And now there's three of them." Fred replied, "That's going to be destructive."

"This from the guy who bench presses trucks when he gets angry." Pietro replied.

"Hey!" Fred protested, "I've worked out my anger issues. And anyway, the big rocks that Lance keeps dislodging from his sleep terraforming are better quality weights anyway."

"OK, and people say I have issues..." Arcade remarked.

"OK, bets people..." Althea began.

"Five will get you ten neither of them goes through a peaceful date." Wanda replied.

"Since when do _any _of us have what passes for a normal date?" Pietro quipped.

"For once my idiot brother has a point." Wanda replied.

"Yeah, for once I..." Pietro began, "HEY!"

"I've got twenty bucks that the X-men find out and follow Lance and Kitty and wreck their date." Xi replied.

"That's cruel." Fred replied.

Xi shrugged, "It happens on every date that any of us go on."

"Xi has a point there, you know." Althea replied.

Little did any of them realize that a certain thirteen year old had heard the entire exchange...

* * *

"You can't go wrong with that sweater, Paige." Phoebe began. 

"I just hope that none of Ted's insane friends pop into town with him." Piper quipped.

"Piper," Phoebe admonished her sister, "We're trying to get Paige ready for her first date in a long time, not scare the daylights out of her."

"Ted's friends weren't that bad..." Paige began.

"Weren't that bad? WEREN'T THAT BAD? First of all, the lizard..." Piper began.

"You mean Xi." Phoebe replied.

"Whatever." Piper continued, "After eating my cookies the lizard got on a massive sugar high and started singing cheesy disco songs at the top of his lungs and doing disco moves all over the kitchen."

"Talk about intoxicating." Paige quipped.

Piper gave her sister the evil eye before going on another rant, "Then the bearded sailor and the pirate get into a fight in San Francisco, get arrested, get Leo drunk..."

"To be fair, Jack was just trying to bury the hatchet." Phoebe replied, "He didn't know that BA's coffee is like vodka for Whitelighters as well as mutants."

"Leo singing Hava Nagila was funny though." Paige replied.

"Let's not forget the fact that Mr. Earthquake started several freak tremors all over San Francsico and then starts fighting with his imaginary enemy who somebody decided to bring into this world." Piper gave Phoebe the evil eye again, her left eyebrow twitching rather violently.

Phoebe backed up, her hands held out in a palms open gesture of appeasement. Paige added, "Let's not forget that same someone released two more annoying and insane coyotes onto this plane..."

"Paige!" Phoebe complained.

"Anyway," Piper said, "I'm not so sure I like the idea of you seeing this guy."

"Piper." Phoebe snapped, "It's Paige's choice."

"I wasn't saying anything about it not being her choice." Piper replied, defensively, "I'm just saying I don't exactly approve."

"Can you at least let me go out with the guy before you pass judgement on him." Paige added.

"I'm not exactly thrilled that you're going out with the guy whose friends wrecked the house, endangered San Francisco, drove me insane, and threatened to expose the existence of witches." Piper replied.

"OK, Ted's friends aren't the sanest people on the planet, but can't you at least give him a chance?" Paige replied.

"To be fair, we did have demon problems when we first met Ted." Phoebe interjected.

"Paige," Piper said, "I'm trying to keep us safe..."

"And I'm trying to tell you that Ted isn't any danger." Paige replied, "He's not another Belthazor. Sure his friends are a little insane, but there's no threat..."

"Other than pricey repairs to the house." Piper interjected.

"It's just going to be Ted and I this time." Paige replied, "It's not as if his insane friends will follow him into town on our date."

"I'll hold you to that." Piper replied, when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it." Paige replied, running downstairs.

The phone rang two minutes later and Phoebe said, "That's probably for me! I'll get it!"

"Why do I get the feeling I'm going to get it?" Piper groaned to no one in particular.

Ted waited outside of the Halliwell Manor, standing outside the front door after ringing the bell. The door swung open and Ted saw Paige standing there.

_Damn she looks good. _Ted thought. Paige's red hair was lightly curled, making it seem wavy. She wore a violet turtleneck sweater that hugged her frame in the right places and a pair of blue jeans and brown boots with heels.

_Am I dressed too casual? _Paige thought. Ted smiled at her thennoticing his date seemed self-conscious.

"You look great." Ted began. _Perfect opening remark. _Ted thought sarcastically.

"Thanks." Paige replied, apropos of Ted's attire she said, "And I know what you like to drink."

Paige remarked on Ted's black rugby shirt with a Guinness logo and a toucan embroidered on the right side of the shirt, then she took a couple steps toward Ted, "So what do you have planned for us tonight?."

"Well, I thought we'd go out to eat first." Ted replied, "And then catch a movie."

"Which one?" Paige replied.

"Dinner is a surprise, and I figured a light hearted comedy film would be the best." Ted replied.

"And which one would that be..." Paige asked.

"That's a surprise as well." Ted replied.

"What movie?" Paige replied.

"You'll see." Ted replied, offering his left arm. Paige hooked her own right arm through it and they walked to the waiting cab out front.

After about ten minutes of driving Ted paid the cabbie, including tip and opened the door for Paige. He opened the door to the restaurant, which was a Greek establishment.

"I've seen this place on my lunch breaks but never actually went in." Paige commented.

"Greeks make some really good food, and some coastal Arabic recipes are similar to Greek ones." Ted replied, "That's due largely to Greek traders and Alexander the Great."

"How'd you know that?" Paige asked.

"Having two archaeologists for parents will do that to a kid." Ted replied, "Mom's kitchen was a veritable collection of recipes from all over the Mediterranean world, as well as her native France."

They ordered their meal and Paige quipped, "There are forks at the table, Ted, remember that."

Ted gave her a blank stare and then remembered he'd told her about how it took him a month to remember how to eat with a knife and fork when he went back to Canada.

Ted laughed, "That was the case. I've remembered how to use them for now."

"So why did you eat with your hands in the first place?" Paige asked.

"It's how Arabs, and thus Palestinians eat. In YAMAS we go undercover as Palestinians, usually to arrest leaders of riots or possible suicide bombers on a daily basis." Ted replied, "So we become Arabs, in a sense. That means we eat Arab food, eat the way Arabs do, dress like them, speak their language, adopt their mannerisms. So what is it that you do, other than vanquish demons?"

"I'm a social worker." Paige replied, "I work with children and foster families as well as adoption. It's not exactly undercover riot squad work, but it pays."

"Trust me. When I was in Israel I had my fair share of dating female soldiers and that can be a headache in and of itself." Ted replied, "It's a refreshing change."

Ted's cell phone went off just then. "Nice ringtone." Paige replied, "Your reminding me of the Coyotes again."

"Excuse me." Ted replied, and read the text message.

"Who was it?" Paige asked.

"Just Lance checking in." Ted replied.

"Lance?" Paige asked.

"I'm sorry to bring this into it." Ted replied, "But Lance is kind of in a rough spot with a girl he really cares about. Her name's Kitty. She's in a love triangle with Lance and this other guy named Pitor, who she started seeing after she and Lance had broken up. And Lance and Pitor have been at each others throats over Kitty ever since. Lance really loves her, I don't know if she realizes it or not, and with her friends from the X-men snooping in on her dates with Lance, she can never really find out whether she loves Lance or not."

"You're trying to help Lance?" Paige asked.

"Yeah," Ted replied, "Roadblock kinda wouldn't let him go on this date without a chaperone. But I came up with a compromise. Lance just has to check in with me regularly so he and Kitty can have some privacy."

"That is so sweet." Paige replied, "From what I know about kids, I can tell Lance looks up to you like a big brother."

"Really?" Ted asked.

"That can really mean a lot to a kid." Paige replied, "Especially one who hasn't had the best time growing up."

"Sounds like Lance." Ted replied, "He never really had a family until he joined the Misfits. His adoptive father's been great to him."

"And now he's got you as a big brother he never had." Paige replied.

"Isn't that kinda late?" Ted began, "I mean Lance is eighteen."

"That's a very special bond. Take it from me, that's what I have with Piper and Phoebe. I was twenty-three when I met them and it means a lot to me to have them as sisters. And I've even started becoming sisterly with Prue as well." Paige replied, putting her hand on Ted's.

"I wonder how Lance's date is going." Ted replied.

"Probably well." Paige replied, at Ted's doubtful gaze she said, "I like to expect the best out of these things."

After they finished dinner, Ted paid the check and they headed for the movie theater to watch their film.

* * *

"Ow, Blob get your fat elbow outta my face." Pietro groaned. 

"Hey, this isn't exactly a big space." Fred hissed back.

"How did you get a hold of one of the surveillance vans, Al?" Toad asked.

"Easy. I walked in on one of Ace and Snow Job's poker games and they practically offered me the Crown Jewels if I would keep quiet."

"Say no more." Toad replied.

"So where did Lance take Kitty?" Arcade asked.

"According to the tracking sensor they're at dinner at that Chinese place and they're on their way to the movies." Trinity said.

"Follow them." Althea said. The Misfits, except for Trinity, came into the theater.

"Why do we have to stay behind?" Trinity whined.

"We're gonna need back up." Althea replied, "In case the X-men get involved."

"There's no need. They can't possibly know..." Trinity whined.

"We need to consider the possibility." Althea countered.

"Shh! They've gone in." Arcade began.

The rest of the Misfits snuck into the line after Lance and Kitty had already went into the theater.

"Shh! Don't let them see you." Scott hissed at his teammates.

"Ow! Ray, get your fat foot off my hand!" Bobby groaned.

"Bobby, be quiet! You don't want them to hear you." Jean warned.

"You guys are about as quiet as an elephant in a glass factory." Ray snapped.

"It's not like the Misfits are here. Multiple bribed Trinity not to tell them." Bobby snapped back.

"Shhh!" Jean whispered, "Ted just walked in here."

The X-men ducked into the crowd with plans to rendezvous at the theater. Ted glanced around the theater. Paige squeezed his hand, "What is it?"

"I just swore I saw some people I know from work." Ted replied.

"Well, the Pink Panther is going to start in about ten minutes." Paige replied, "And good seats are going fast."

They took their seats in the theater and at that point Lance turned and waved at them. Ted waved back, and Paige smiled and waved as well.

Little did they realize that a veritable clash of the Titans was fixing to occur.

* * *

"He squeezed her hand! That rat bastard!" Peter growled. 

"Shh! Be quiet!" Scott whispered.

"Your starting to sound like a broken record, dude." Bobby replied, "Lighten up. Who's here that we know. The Misfits?"

"You rang." Xi replied, appearing out of thin air.

"AAGGGHHH!" Bobby shouted.

"SSHHHH!" Came a chorus from nearby seats.

"What are you doing here?" Came the shouts from both teams.

"Shut up!" a nearby teenager shouted.

"You shut up!" Bobby shouted.

"Well someone has to make sure Alvers doesn't pull anything." Scott replied.

"Summers," Althea replied, "We could say the same for Kitty."

"Kitty would never jump in someone's bones!" Pitor snapped back.

"Not for lack of trying." Wanda commented.

"How dare you accuse Kitty of having bad taste!" Jean snapped.

"This from the girl who dated Duncan Matthews." Pietro chimed in nastily.

"Watch it Light in the Loafers..." Scott began.

"Says the pot to the kettle." Pietro replied.

"Whack job!" Rogue shouted at Wanda.

"Psycho!" Wanda replied.

"I can't believe I'm related to these people." Kurt groaned.

* * *

"What's going on?" Paige asked. 

"Three guesses and the first two don't count." Ted replied.

"The FOH?" Paige asked.

"No." Ted replied, and he turned to show Paige the X-men and Misfits engaged in a brawl several rows behind them.

Meanwhile Kitty asked Lance, "What's going on?"

"Three guesses and the first two don't count." Lance replied.

"Let's bail out of here." Kitty replied, sneaking out in all the chaos, taking Lance's hand as she did so.

"Shall we follow them?" Ted asked Paige.

"We might as well, so they don't get into trouble." Ted replied, as they followed Lance and Kitty out of the theater.

* * *

"Shipwreck, Blind Master? I can't take you guys anywhere." Cover Girl groaned from the front seat of the surveillance van. 

"Where would they be?" Emily asked.

"Probably at the nearest bar." Cover Girl groaned, "And they left without me..."

"You people are bloody insane." Emily groaned.

"Gee, what was your first clue." Cover Girl replied.

"It's an operation to find this bloke, Sands." Emily began, tossing a stray strand of her brown hair out of her face, "Then Roadblock, Shipwreck, Spirit, and the Blind Master claim they've 'found a lead' and conveniently disappear."

"Knowing those four it was probably an excuse to get drunk." Cover Girl replied.

"There's my evidence right there." Emily replied, "On an important operation, those four decide to get drunk."

"Yes, that sounds like them." Cover Girl said.

"Isn't that our other surveillance van, just outside the movie theater down the street?" Emily asked.

"Yeah, that kind of looks like it..." Cover Girl said.

"Bad tradecraft if a surveillance van is immediately recognizable." Emily said.

"Not really." Cover Girl said, "Our surveillance vans have a black box that emits a signal that only our tracking systems can find."

"I didn't know we had another surveillance team here." Emily replied.

"We'd best check it out." Cover Girl replied, putting the van in park. The two women raced over to the van and Emily took her lock picking set from her pocket and began to pick at the door.

"Hi..." Trinity said.

"You guys," Cover Girl began, her arms folded and a very angry expression on her face, "Are in so much trouble..."

Just then, they heard the sounds of fighting inside the movie theater. "Why do I get the feeling this is going to be a long night?" Emily replied.

* * *

The phone rang shortly after Piper had just put Chris and Wyatt to bed. Piper picked up the phone and said, "Hello?" 

"Piper, it's Darryl..."

"This isn't going to be good, is it?" Piper replied.

"Do you happen to know anything about a bunch of hooligans in pirate costumes?" Darryl replied.

"Why would I know anything about hooligans in pirate costumes?" Piper replied.

"There was one at your house when the Coyotes started tearing things to shreds." Darryl replied.

"What idiots in pirate costumes are you talking about?" Piper replied.

"Exactly what I just said. A bunch of guys in pirate outfits are currently causing a huge civil disturbance in a bar downtown." Darryl replied.

"Jack Sparrow, you are going to die." Piper grumbled.

"What?" Darryl said.

"Darryl, please report a homicide..." Piper replied, hanging up the phone.

Leo walked into the kitchen just as Piper came barreling out of it. They collided.

"Honey, what's the matter?" Leo asked.

"Just one night. Just one normal night without demons, Heartless, or insane pirates." Piper replied.

"Which one is it?" Leo asked.

"Insane pirates." Piper replied.

Prue astral projected into the house just then. "Hi, Piper. I guess I caught you at a bad time..."

"Jack Sparrow you are dead..." Piper began. "

Prue blinked, "Jack Sparrow?"

"Remember that group of people you met, kinda, when you orbed into the house a couple nights ago." Piper replied.

"A blind guy, a bearded guy in a sailor suit, an ex-runway model, and some guy in a pirate getup and four teenagers. I can't exactly forget about that." Prue replied.

"Well the pirate and some of his buddies are tearing things up downtown." Piper replied.

"Whoa, back up," Prue began, "_Pirates?"_

"Long story. Their world was destroyed by the Heartless and they're staying with the four teenagers, the ex-runway model, and the bearded sailor's unit. Some general named Hawk..." Piper replied.

"So you're saying the _military_ knows about us?" Prue replied.

"Not all of the military. Hawk said is secret's safe with him..." Piper replied.

"Until he needs us." Prue replied.

"Not necessarily. From what we saw," Leo said, "Hawk and his followers aren't exactly your typical soldiers..."

They walked into the living room just in time to see a jet powered shopping cart go streaking down the road. Sitting in the shopping cart were an African-American with sunglasses and a black martial arts outfit, a bearded man in a sailor suit, an Indian, and a big bald black guy with a mustache. Prue vaguely recognized the bearded sailor with the green parrot on his shoulder.

"WAHHOO!" Spirit shouted.

"If those four are any evidence, then I'm right." Leo added.

Phoebe walked into the kitchen just then, "Prue, Piper, please tell me that I did not just see four idiots in a shopping cart with a rocket booster attached to it go flying down the street."

"You did." Piper and Prue replied simultaneously.

"What is it with people in this town and rocket propulsion?" Prue asked, "First it was that Duncan Matthews idiot on TV and now its four insane guys in a shopping cart."

"Prue," Piper began, "I can't explain it either, but Jack Sparrow..."

"...is so dead." Prue replied, "So before you commit homicide, can I at least say hi."

"You said hi." Piper said.

The phone rang again, "Hello?" Piper shouted, picking up the phone.

"Yes, I did see the four morons in a rocket propelled shopping cart. No, I had nothing to do with them either." Piper replied.

Piper clamped her hand over the receiver saying, "Darryl."

The doorbell rang just then and the bearded man in the sailor suit, his hair and clothes singed and his skin bruised said, "Hi, do you guys have any iodine or something..."

"Excuse me..." Piper said on the phone and hung up.

"SHIPWRECK YOU ARE DEAD! YOU HEAR ME? DEAD!" Piper shouted, chasing Shipwreck down the street with an umbrella.

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Shipwreck shouted as he ran away, covering his head and shoulders with his arms as Piper whacked him with the umbrella.

The phone rang again. "We seem to have gotten popular since I've been gone." Prue replied.

Phoebe answered the phone, "Hi, Cover Girl. Yes, actually we have seen Shipwreck. We don't know those other three. You better get here fast before Piper kills Shipwreck."

"Cover Girl, Shipwreck?" Prue asked.

"Those are codenames the soldiers have." Phoebe explained.

"_These_ are the guys that Merlin told me we're going to have to work with to save Earth from the Heartless?" Prue asked, "They sound almost as bad as the _**Morrowind's** _crew."

"You mean those guys on that strange ship you're on?" Phoebe said.

"Those guys. I'm still mad at Vinny for the grapefruit grenades that got fruit pulp all over the mess hall and me." Prue replied, "Say hi to Paige for me, it sounds like they need my help to remedy the grapefruit grenade disaster."

Prue astral projected back to the _Morrowind. _Piper was still beating up Shipwreck on the front lawn while, Roadblock was trying to pry her off. Spirit and the Blind Master were dancing and singing around the wreckage of a burning shopping cart and rocket engine.

"_What shall we do with a drunken Shipwreck? What shall we do with a drunken Shipwreck? What shall we do with a drunken Shipwreck? Early in the morning. Way hey and Piper beats him! Way hay and Piper beats him! Way hay and Piper beats him early in the morning!_" Spirit and the Blind Master sang as they danced around in circles.

"_Throw him into the brig till he's sober! Throw him in the brig till he's sober! Throw him in the brig till he's sober! Early in the morning!" _Spirit and the Blind Master sang.

The GI Joe surveillance van pulled up in front of the house and Cover Girl stormed out of the van. "Piper, no, let me hit Shipwreck for a few hours..."

Ted arrived with Paige on the front porch as Cover Girl and Piper were chasing Shipwreck around the neighborhood while Spirit and the Blind Master continued to sing and Roadblock chased the two women. Lance and Kitty were in tow behind them.

"One thing's for sure, this isn't going to be a boring evening." Ted remarked.

"I'll say." Paige replied, "Ow! Piper that move should be illegal."

"To be fair, how was your evening?" Ted asked.

Paige smiled, "Despite all the interruption, I had a great time."

"I'm sorry that all this had to come about." Ted replied.

"Don't be." Paige replied, "It might not have been the perfect evening, but I'm not going to forget it."

"Well you can't exactly forget Shipwreck getting clobbered." Ted replied, "Or Jack Sparrow and the Pirates of the Carribean beating the stuffing out of some skinheads."

"I never had to post bail for pirates on a date." Paige replied, "I can at least say my first date resulted in a new experience."

"We never really got to watch the whole movie." Ted replied.

"There is another showing Saturday night..." Paige suggested.

"Wait, you're saying you're up for a second date?" Ted asked.

"A degree at Oxford really doesn't do much for your perception does it?" Paige asked, taking the next two steps towards Ted.

Ted was about to reply when Paige wrapped her arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around her waist, angling his head so their noses wouldn't bump. His lips pressed against hers. Paige closed her eyes as Ted kissed her gently and slowly at first. Time seemed to slow down, almost like when Piper froze time, but different.

"Eww! Could you guys find somewhere else to do that?" Kitty asked.

Paige's right foot popped up and then they parted for lack of air. They came back down to earth in time to see Piper and Cover Girl beating up on Shipwreck, Roadblock prying them away, Spirit and the Blind Master dancing and singing and Phoebe smiling at the youngest sister.

"I have to go and try and save Shipwreck's life." Ted replied.

"I'll help." Paige replied, "Piper, I think we need to enroll you in anger management..."

"Same for you Cover Girl..." Ted added.

They continued to fight on the lawn in front of a bewildered Lance and Kitty. "I'm sorry our evening had to go so badly." Lance began.

"I had a good time, Lance. Despite our crazy teammates." Kitty replied.

"OW! I never figured it was possible to bend an arm like that?" Lance remarked.

"Lance! Aren't you paying attention?" Kitty asked.

"Yeah, I'm just a bit weirded out that the adults are as crazy as our teammates." Lance replied.

Kitty smiled warmly at Lance, "I know, but I really did have a good time..."

"Really." Lance replied, smiling back at Kitty.

"Yeah." Kitty replied, taking Lance's hands in hers. They slowly kissed one another on the front lawn just as their teammates from both teams showed up to the chaos...

* * *

TBC (Up next, a christening ceremony and some Natalie torture courtesy of three coyotes.) 

Natalie: What is it with you torturing me in all of your stories? Weren't the rocket propelled roller skates bad enough?

Me: Well you were a complete bitch in peanut2lb's fanfiction, so I figured I'd bug you...

Gideon: Yeah, and the Fiesta in Heaven...

Me: You were a real bloody prick to Justin, mate...from RogueFanKC's work?

**Morrowind **- the ship that Prue finds herself aboard after her reincarnation in _Journey of a Halliwell. _


	14. Back at the Pit

Back at the Pit

Disclaimer: Same as before…

AN: I know since I mentioned the Pirates of the Caribbean, I've not really gone into much detail about them…

* * *

Alan Breck rose early, as was his custom when aboard the Black Pearl. He still felt a bit of fuzziness from mugs of ale he had downed with the other pirates in San Francisco. Time to be alone was paramount. He gave Ted a nod, as the Canadian seemed blissfully preoccupied as he poured his morning coffee.

He checked the sword underneath his gray overcoat, the rapier he had carried since before Culloden his faithful companion. The brace of two pistols was also in place. He found the hill top he always practiced his sword fighting forms on and drew the rapier out.

"Excuse me." A voice from behind.

"Yes." Alan replied, turning to see a young girl with red hair.

"You're from Scotland aren't ye?"

"Yes." Alan replied.

"What is your clan?" Rahne Sinclair asked.

"My clan is MacGreggor, relations of Rob Roy Macgreggor." Alan replied, "And ye?"

"Rahne Sinclair..."

"Any relation to the Sinclairs of Glasgow?" Alan replied, "On my world they moved from the Lowlands into the city when the redcoats destroyed their farm."

"I'm from Glasgow." Rahne brightened, "But obviously not your version of it."

"Aye," Alan replied, "I could be your grandfather several times over."

"I canna believe the X-men left me behind." Rahne replied.

"Believe me, San Francisco was a proper scuffle." Alan replied, "A bunch of lads from the FOH decided to cause some trouble."

"Really?" Rahne replied.

"Certainly provided opportunities for all of us to keep our swords sharp." Alan replied.

"Not to mention send several FOH members into the hospital." Rahne replied, "I read of it in the newspaper."

"Why did you throw your lot in with the pirates if ye come from a noble Scottish family?" Rahne continued.

Alan turned towards her, his face expressionless but his eyes betraying a pain many years buried. He wasn't sure why, maybe it was because the child was a fellow Scot and he'd not seen a fellow Scot for nearly three and a half years. Maybe it was because he tired of carrying the burden of being one of the few living Jacobites.

Rahne wondered what she had done. Maybe she shouldn't have asked the solitary Alan Breck that question. He was the only other fellow Scot she had seen in a long time, the fact that he was from an alternate Scotland notwithstanding. He also seemed to appreciate the idea of running off on one's own every now and again. Granted Ted was the same way, but after the incident with the live ammunition she was a little afraid of him.

"Scotland was devastated by years of fighting among the noblemen, until we united under Bonny Prince Charles. The English were fearful of a united Scotland, and we sought to remove their threat to our southern borders." Alan began.

Rahne's eyes widened, "Tavington, Duke of Worcester called upon a terrible force to assist him. The Heartless routed us at Culloden, and hunted us to destruction. But Culloden wasn't the end of it. It didn't satisfy Tavington to simply defeat us there, he chased us throughout Scotland."

Rahne put her hand to her agape mouth, "Tavington burned our farms, our lands and homes. I watched helpless as the English burned my home, as Tavington watched them kill all before them. My aged father slain at his sickbed, my mother killed trying to protect him, taking up my grandfather's sword."

"I swore revenge for this wrong and will not rest until I have taken Tavington's life." Alan replied.

"What became of Tavington?" Rahne asked.

"I don't know." Alan replied, "But I have searched worlds for him until my vengeance is achieved."

"He killed all that you loved?" Rahne asked.

"Aye, all but one. And my search is never ending." Alan replied, his eyes betraying a great deal of sadness.

"How did you fall in with Jack?" Rahne asked.

"I was hunted like an animal after failing to kill Tavington. They cornered me I just kept running down the beach and swam out to sea, hoping to simply die unbroken by Tavington rather than surrender. Jack found me near dead on the water's surface…" Alan replied, "I had best be going, lass."

Alan walked off, leaving Rahne alone with her thoughts.

* * *

"You seem to be in a cheerful mood, Maple Leaf." Wolverine began.

"That I am." Ted replied to his fellow Canadian.

"I can smell it on you." Logan replied. At Ted's blank stare he added, "Unless you've suddenly taken to wearing Chanel perfume…"

"I'd forgotten that you've got the sensory abilities of a bloodhound with color vision as well as being the most ornery scraper to have emerged from Alberta." Ted replied.

"Someone's gotta show you British Columbia Boys how it's done." Logan grunted.

"If I'm not mistaken, _this_ British Columbia boy served in the **Occupied Territories** as well as the East Jerusalem beat." Ted replied.

"Well, I can't count the number of battlefields I've served on with both hands…" Logan retorted.

"Boys, boys." Emily began, as she began to make a pot of coffee, "Can you not fill the atmosphere with testosterone and hostility."

The Englishwoman smiled at Ted and said, "You must have had a good time with Paige last night."

Ted nodded and Emily continued, "While we were off trying to convince Sands to come over here and had to deal with Shipwreck, Spirit, Roadblock and the Blind Master on a drinking binge. Not to mention try to prevent Piper from beating Shipwreck to death with an umbrella…"

Cover Girl walked down the stairs just then, "Let's not forget the drunken pirates either."

"To be fair, they did pay the bartender with a couple gold doubloons. That kinda took the edge off the fighting." Ted replied, "And let's not forget the Friends of Humanity idiots started the whole thing."

"Let me guess, any excuse for getting into a fight." Cover Girl replied.

"I remember my Uncle Mark used to love to go into pubs and start fights back when he lived in the UK." Ted quipped.

"This isn't the UK!" Cover Girl snapped, "No offense Emily."

"None taken." Emily replied, "Most Brits have more sense than that. Bloody Canadians."

"Hey…" Logan and Ted both retorted.

"Finally you two agree on something." Cover Girl replied.

"Well, I've got a lesson plan to prepare for the kids…" Ted began, slinging the AK-47 on his right shoulder.

"There better not be live ammo in that thing." Logan warned.

"Relax, I'm going to teach them how to disassemble, clean, and disable them." Ted replied.

"How's Shipwreck?" Emily asked.

"He's gonna have a hell of a headache between the hangover and Piper braining him multiple times with the umbrella." Cover Girl replied, and at the Englishwoman's enigmatic grin she added, "What?"

"I do believe that was concern in your voice." Emily replied.

Cover Girl looked at the smiling English woman and Emily innocently replied, "It was just an observation."

* * *

"You're awfully happy this morning." Phoebe observed as Paige poured herself a cup of coffee at breakfast, "I take it the date went well."

"Ted's a great kisser…" Paige began at Phoebe's blank stare she added, "We kissed on the front porch."

"I didn't see, I was trying to keep Piper from killing Shipwreck." Phoebe replied.

"Why am I not surprised." Paige replied, "About Piper trying to kill Shipwreck I mean?"

"That crazy sailor and three of his buddies were flying down the street in a rocket propelled shopping cart." Phoebe replied.

"What?" Paige asked.

"They somehow got a hold of a rocket booster and attached it to a rickety old metal shopping cart." Phoebe replied.

"Are you kidding me?" Paige asked.

"No. Then they wrecked the shopping cart, Shipwreck came staggering to the door looking for iodine and Piper bashed him several times upside the head with an umbrella." Phoebe asked, "So while you were smooching Ted on the front porch I was trying to keep Piper from homicide."

Piper was watching the TV, bouncing little Chris on her knees and trying to feed him his apple sauce. "Come on sweetie, one more bite…"

"Piwate…" Chris said, pointing at the TV, and a video of Jack Sparrow, Mr. Gibbs, and Anamaria chasing Graydon Creed around with cutlasses and an old style pistol.

"Ha ha ha har!" The pirates chanted as the poked him with their swords in the behind making him yowl and jump several feet into the air.

"In other news, several severely intoxicated individuals dressed up in pirate costumes were involved in a massive brawl against members of the Friends of Humanity." The newscaster said, "Speaking for the Friends of Humanity is Mr. Graydon Creed."

"Thank you." Graydon Creed replied, he still had a massive bruise on his forehead, courtesy of Duncan hitting with the crowbar earlier when trying to get a coyote off his boss' head.

"The individuals that attacked members of my organization are little more than deranged felons who enjoy dressing like pirates and attacking people with deadly weapons. Their leader's name is Jack Sparrow and he travels with associates such as Mr. Cotton, Gibbs, Anamaria, and Alan Breck…" Creed began, "Any information you have leading to their arrests will be most appreciated. Remember these men and woman are dangerous fugitives and should be considered armed and dangerous…"

Piper balanced little Chris on her hip as she walked into the kitchen, "Paige, next time your boyfriend brings his crazy buddies, tell him that Jack Sparrow's in some deep…"

"You rang?" Jack Sparrow replied, as he and Ted teleported into the kitchen.

"You!" Piper hissed, "Out! Out! Out!"

"I extend the olive branch, love," Jack replied, "and you beat me over the head with it?"

"I'll do more than THAT!" Piper snapped, "If Creed finds anything about you guys being here I'm going to take the olive branch and shove it so far up your…"

"Mommy…" Wyatt asked, tugging on the hem of Piper's jeans, "What's an olive bwach? Are you going to spank Unca Jack and Unca Ted? Are they in trouble?"

"Big trouble, sweetheart." Piper replied, advancing menacingly on Jack.

"I'm already seeing someone, missy." Jack replied innocently, "Anamaria would be furious, for two. And I'm not entirely sure that I'd be into being beaten by an olive branch anyway. Not really a turn on, lass."

"Watch it!" Piper replied.

"Guys, calm down." Paige said as she walked into the room, she and Ted exchanged a quick kiss before she asked, "What's going on?"

"We're here to extend our invitation to a christening ceremony to be held next week for the newborn child of Elizabeth and William Turner, members of Jack's crew." Ted replied, "We figured we'd best extend the olive branch, before Piper decided to use it for something of a more devious purpose. Boy do I pity Leo…"

"Ted…" Piper replied, whirling on him, "Watch it."

"Sorry, I was just kidding." Ted replied.

"Mommy," Wyatt said, lifting his arms.

Ted crouched down and lifted the little boy, "Here you go fella…"

Piper gave Ted a look, expecting Wyatt to be alarmed or start crying, especially because he barely knew Ted. Piper was surprised when Wyatt fingered the embroidered Israeli flag on the shoulder of Ted's olive drab combat uniform.

"What's that?" Wyatt asked.

"That's the flag of Israel, where I just came from…" Ted replied.

"What's Iswael?" Wyatt asked.

"That's another country." Ted replied.

"Is that in America?" Wyatt asked.

"Not exactly." Ted replied, speaking gently to the kid, "Here, go to you Auntie Paige."

Ted handed Wyatt to Paige who said, "Come here sweetheart."

Wyatt still held onto the patch on Ted's uniform, tearing the Velcro away. "Wyatt…" Piper admonished.

"No, he can't hurt anything. I've got another one." Ted replied, pulling one out of his shirt pocket and replacing it.

"So what do you say?" Jack said, "To our invitation."

"We're not having the christening at the house." Piper began.

"We're not planning on having it here." Jack replied, "It's going to be held at the Pit."

"At an _Army_ base, uh uh." Piper replied.

"We're not like the rest of the Army." Ted replied.

"You're not even in the American Army." Piper snapped back, "You're from the Israeli Army."

"Exactly. If anyone tries to mess with you guys, they're going to get a good old fashioned Israeli ass-kicking from me." Ted replied.

"Auntie Paige, what's an Iswaeli ass kicking?" Wyatt asked.

"Do you have any more bad words you plan on teaching my two year old?" Piper asked.

"Sorry, it just slipped." Ted replied.

"Don't swear in front of my kids again…" Piper warned. Right about then Chris grabbed one of Jack's braided and beaded locks of hair and began to put one of the beads in his mouth, tugging as he did so.

"Ow! Damn…" Jack began.

Piper glared at Jack. "Sorry." Jack replied.

"We'll be there." Paige replied, "But you had better be on your best behavior, or I think Piper and Anamaria will draw straws to see which one gets to skin you alive."

"On pain of death, I will be on my best behavior." Jack replied.

"Besides, Hawk confiscated all the rum you and Shipwreck bought." Ted quipped.

"Good. I don't need more exposure to drunken pirates." Piper replied.

Paige's cell phone rang just then and she said, "Can you take Wyatt again?"

"Sure." Ted replied.

Paige watched as she took her phone call from her boss and couldn't help but smile. Ted was doing or saying something to make Wyatt giggle and laugh. The little boy was holding on to the patch that he'd taken from Ted earlier. She finished her call and took Wyatt asking Ted, "You seem so good with kids. How does that happen for an Israeli soldier?"

Ted's eyes took on a cloudy cast, "Children are war's most tragic victims…"

Phoebe walked through the living room, hurrying to get to work when she accidentally brushed against Ted, seeing his memory of Gaza, 2002.

_The gunshot reverberated through the air at the nearby checkpoint. A group of children had been pelting an Israeli checkpoint with rocks and bottles and an irate army sniper opened fire, hitting one of the boys in the leg. _

_Ted, the bald sniper everyone called Imhotep, Avi, and Samad were in their vehicle, carrying out tactical reconnaissance for a future YAMAS operation. Ted stopped the vehicle and Samad said, "What?" _

"_That kid just got shot." Ted began._

_Imhotep looked at Ted, "The fucking idiot was throwing rocks at that checkpoint. Our boys are getting pissed over those taunts." _

_Ted grabbed his medical bag and his CAR-15 and leaped from the vehicle. "You idiot! You want to get shot!" Avi shouted._

_Samad followed after him, the hulking Druze a few steps behind the running Canadian. Imhotep looked at Avi for a grand total of one second and grabbed his own weapon, "Stay with the vehicle!" _

_Imhotep sprinted after the two other soldiers and dropped to one knee behind a junk car. Within a few seconds Ted had reached the victim. The two Israeli soldiers manning the checkpoint couldn't have been any older than nineteen. They came running towards the Palestinians and the two YAMAS operatives, their rifles raised. The Palestinians pulled back, but only just so far, leaving the injured boy. _

"_What the hell is going on here!" A lean bodied Israeli soldier, an immigrant of Polish descent shouted._

_The **Sephardic** soldier behind him kept his rifle trained on the crowd of Palestinian boys, remaining silent, not wanting to oppose the other soldier. _

"_One of your marksmen just shot a kid." Imhotep growled, "Our medic wants to treat him." _

"_The kid was throwing rocks at us! Let him bleed." The soldier retorted. _

_Ted continued to go about his work, the bullet had passed by any arteries and had not severed any major nerves. The kid had gotten off lucky with only a flesh wound. All he had to do was patch him up properly and…_

_Out of the corner of his eye he saw the irate soldier level his rifle, "What the fuck are you doing?"_

"_He's a damn kid!" Ted shouted back._

"_Those people killed at the disco because of that suicide bomber in Tel Aviv were kids too. Two of my friends died there asshole!" The soldier said._

"_You'd shoot me…" Ted replied, disgusted. _

"_You'd want to die for a fucking Arab!" the other soldier retorted._

"_Put that away you little prick." Samad replied, drawing himself to his full height of six feet, "Or I'll make you eat it…" _

_The young soldier hesitated for a minute. From their uniforms he knew the three men were Israeli soldiers that came from the Sufa jeep a few feet away from the checkpoint. Nearby the other soldier was trying to reassure an old woman, yelling frantically in Arabic at him. _

_Ted made sure the dressing was on properly before taking a syringe out of his bag. The old woman began cursing at Ted and picked up a stone. Imhotep promptly flung her on her back, aiming his rifle at her. The old woman looked angrily at the Israeli soldier but did not do anything else. _

"_**Calm down.**" Imhotep said, in Arabic, "**He's just giving him medicine and he can go back to you.**" _

"_**Israeli pigs! Israeli swine!**" the woman shouted, spitting on Imhotep's boot. _

_Ted injected the antibiotics into the kid and handed him a small pouch of painkillers, "**Take one every four hours and get yourself to a hospital**." _

"_**How can we get to a hospital?**" An old man, obviously the old woman's wife, shouted, "**Your soldiers make us stand for hours in the sun just to find work in Israel!" **_

"_**Come with us.**" Ted told the frightened boy._

"_Are you nuts?" Samad asked, "You're taking him with us?" _

"_He needs to get checked out Samad." Ted replied, and turned to the soldier that had been antagonizing them earlier. _

"_You there! Give us a hand!" Ted commanded. The sullen soldier did as he was told as Samad glared at him, not forgetting even for an instant that the other soldier had leveled the weapon at Ted. _

_They loaded the boy into their jeep and drove away. "Now what, genius?" Avi began, "How are we going to explain this to the boss that we were late from patrol over a shooting?" _

"_We come clean." Ted replied, calming the boy and hooking up an IV, "There's a UN vehicle a couple kilometers down the road, we can leave him with them." _

_They stopped by a UN food distribution vehicle and Samad stepped out of the jeep and said to one of the workers, "You, come here." _

_A petite woman blonde woman barely five feet tall in her mid thirties stepped down from the vehicle. She ran to the Israeli jeep where Ted had just hooked the IV into the boy's arm. "What happened?" the woman asked in a British accent._

"_He got shot in a crossfire earlier." Samad replied. _

"_He's stabilized, but he just needs a check." Ted replied. _

_The woman climbed into the vehicle, "I'm a doctor." _

_Ted explained everything he had done and the woman replied, "You're a medic?"_

"_Yes." Ted replied._

"_He should be alright, but we'll take him to the hospital." The woman replied. _

_Ted pulled his map out and replied, "Thank you. These are the coordinates of the checkpoint where we took him from." _

_The UN vehicle drove off with the injured boy. "You did the right thing today." Samad began._

Ted blinked his eyes, remembering that memory of four years ago in Gaza.

"You did the right thing that day." Phoebe began, "Did he survive?"

"Yes." Ted replied, "Three hours later the UN people dropped him off outside the refugee camp and made sure he got back to his grandparents."

Paige could see a look she had seen many times before, on kids that had suffered trauma usually. Ted blinked a few times and then seemed ok. "Do you want to talk about it?" Paige asked, gently.

"I'll be outside for a little while." Ted replied, heading for the porch. Paige followed him after handing Wyatt off to Phoebe.

* * *

Will Turner looked Lance in the eyes. "A sword is formidable weapon in the right hands. Notice I said in the right hands. You had better know how to handle it, or an enemy will make short work of you."

"Aye." Alan agreed, "If you don't know how to handle it, your foe has a slash at your belly if he's really cruel."

"Defend yourself, wielder of the Keyblade." Will began, and tossed a training sword to Lance.

Lance hefted the sword and Will drew his own sword. Lance made a sudden stab at Will, who side stepped the thrust and parried. Lance switched tactics and went for a high cut until he felt the tip of a sword at his back.

"That isn't fair!" Lance shouted, as he saw Alan out of the corner of his eyes.

"Fighting is not fair." Alan replied, "Defend yourself."

Lance lunged towards Alan, angered. He found the hilt of Alan's sword under his chin. "The blade is not the only part of the sword." Alan replied.

"Again." Will began, "What if you can't protect Kitty because you are unable to wield the Keyblade…"

Lance lunged angrily. "You're angry. It is death to a sword fighter." Alan added.

Will launched a thrust and Lance parried it and Alan swung in from behind. Lance spun around and blocked it only to feel the cold steel of Will's sword against his neck. "Be sure to dispatch a foe first before you turn your back on him." Will cautioned.

Lance continued to train with the two men for the rest of the afternoon, the fear of being unable to protect she who he loved most spurring him on.

* * *

TBC

**Occupied Territories – **Since 1967 Israel has owned Gaza, Judea and Samaria. These areas are known as either the Occupied Territories or simply the Territories. Here the Israelis fight the Palestinians.

**Sephardic** – Refers to Jews of Arabic descent that live in Israel and elsewhere in the Middle East.

AN: There have been isolated incidents where Israeli soldiers have shot at Palestinians throwing rocks. This chapter is intended to show that both sides are equally as guilty in the fighting.


	15. Christening Chaos, Round One

Christening Chaos, Round One

Disclaimer: Same as before…I don't own the song Taco Grande, by Weird Al Yankovic either.

RoguefanKC – What you've been awaiting.

* * *

"Shipwreck, just how much alcohol did you buy this time?" Cover Girl asked.

"A few bottles of rum…" Shipwreck replied, trying to hide a receipt.

"Give me that!" Cover Girl replied, snatching it out of his hands.

"Hey!" Shipwreck snapped.

"Shipwreck! This is enough booze to make a college frat party look like a First Communion at a Catholic School!" Cover Girl snapped.

"Maybe it isn't a good idea to mention that we swiped Beach Head's credit card to buy it with, huh?" Jack Sparrow whispered.

"I don't care if you swiped Beach Head's credit card!" Cover Girl snapped, "What I care about is that you bought all that alcohol for a c_hristening party!_"

"I guess that means we can swipe Beach Head's credit card for any other expenses, right?" Shipwreck asked.

"Don't you dare!" Cover Girl replied.

Right about then, baby Alexander began to wail as the shouting of the three adults had just waked him up. "See what you've done?" Cover Girl snapped at the two men, "You just woke up the baby."

Cover Girl lifted the little boy out of the bassinet. "Shh…it's OK sweetheart. Don't mind the rude sailor." Cover Girl said, in a soothing tone.

Alex continued to wail loudly. "Please don't cry sweetie. Your mommy will be back soon…" Cover Girl replied.

"Aw, Courtney you're not holding him right." Shipwreck began.

"How am I supposed to hold him?" Cover Girl asked.

"You're asking me?" Low Light said, as he walked into the kitchen, "I don't know _anything_ about babies, other than the fact that they smell and poop a lot."

"Be nice!" Shipwreck snapped, "Let me get him…"

"Be my guest." Cover Girl replied, handing baby Alex over to Shipwreck.

"Oooh…Don't mind Low Light, he's got a steel rod up his butt." Shipwreck said, "You gotta hold him close to you, it comforts him. And you might wanna try a song and dance routine…"

"Why you…" Low Light growled. Shipwreck started humming a melody of some kind just then.

"Taco…" Shipwreck said, pointing at Low Light, as he danced with baby Alex in his arms.

"…Grande." Shipwreck said, flexing his right bicep.

"Taco…" Shipwreck continued, pointing at Low Light. Then Shipwreck flexed his bicep again, "Grande."

"Oh boy this is ridiculous." Cover Girl replied, rolling her eyes. _Wow, who'd have thought Shipwreck would know what to do with a baby?_

"Yo quiero chimichangas y chile Colorado. Yo tengo el dinero para un steak picado. Las flautas y tamales, siempre muy bueno. Y el chile relleno." Shipwreck continued to sing in a fake Mexican accent. Baby Alex started to coo a little bit, as Shipwreck rocked him gently, while doing several dance steps around the kitchen floor.

"You see, I just gotta have a tostada, carne asada. That's right, I want the whole enchilada.  
My only addiction has to do with a flour tortilla. I need a quesadilla." Shipwreck continued to sing.

"You need a psychiatrist." Low Light remarked.

"Forget it Low Light, it's several years too late." Cover Girl remarked. _Though I must admit, that does make sense. I'm gonna have a Weird Al Yankovic song stuck in my head all day…_

"I love to stuff my face with tacos al carbon. With my friends, or when I'm all alone. Yo tengo mucho hambre y ahora lo quiero. Un burrito ranchero." Shipwreck kept singing and twirling and dancing across the floor as he sang in the fake Mexican accent yet again.

"I want you to sing solo, Shipwreck." Low Light shouted, "So low I can't hear you!"

"So give me something spicy and hot, now. Break out the menu, what you got, now? Oh, would you tell the waiter I'd like to have sour cream on the side. You better make sure the beans are refried." Shipwreck began, wiggling his hips and shoulders. Alex cooed as well.

"I said soothe the baby, Shipwreck, not warp his mind!" Cover Girl snapped. _Note to self, he loves the Taco Grande song. Whoa! Wait Courtney, are you thinking about Shipwreck or the baby?_

"Shipwreck, your brain cells are more than refried!" Low Light yelled, "Quit warping the kid's mind!"

"Taco…" Shipwreck said, in the deep voice, pointing at Low Light. He took Alex in one arm and flexed the free arm and squatted down, "…grande."

"Shipwreck…" Low Light growled.

"Taco…" Shipwreck pointed at Low Light again.

"Shipwreck. I am NOT a taco!" Low Light shouted.

"…Grande…" Shipwreck continued, and flexed his free bicep. Baby Alex gurgled and giggled.

Cover Girl couldn't help but laugh as Low Light started turning red whenever Shipwreck pointed at him and called him a taco. "Lighten up, Cooper."

"I'll lighten up once I put Shipwreck's head through the wall…" Low Light growled.

"Well, there's not a taco big enough for a man like me. That's why I order two or three. Let me give you a tip, just try a nacho chip. It's really good with bean dip." Shipwreck continued as he made some sidesteps and dipped the baby oh so gently in a tango move.

"No but there is a strait jacket big enough for a man like you!" Low Light snapped.

"Shipwreck! Be careful!" Cover Girl snapped. _Ooh! Be careful with the baby Shipwreck. You don't want to ruin a good thing…_

"I eat uno, dos, tres, quarto burritos. Pretty soon I can't fit in my Speedos. Well, I hope they feed us lots of chicken fajitas. And a pitcher of margaritas." Shipwreck replied.

"Shipwreck! Are you drunk?" Low Light snapped.

"The picture of you in a speedo is a frightening thought." Cover Girl added. _Why did I just imagine that again? Someone should turn on the AC, it's hot in here._

"Well, the combination plates all come with beans and rice. The taquitos here are very nice. Now I'm down on my knees, we need some extra tomatoes and cheese. And could you make that separate checks, please?" Shipwreck continued, as he danced with the baby some more. The baby gurgled some more, smiling at Shipwreck.

"Oh Lord! The baby's disturbed." Low Light groaned.

"Taco…" Shipwreck said, pointing at Low Light. The baby laughed.

"The baby speaks the truth." Jack Sparrow commented.

"If you want to live, do not repeat that comment." Low Light snapped.

"…Grande." Shipwreck replied, flexing his right bicep again.

"Shipwreck…" Low Light growled menacingly.

"Taco…" Shipwreck said, pointing at Low Light. Low Light's face turned red and veins started coming out of his neck and his eyes became bloodshot. Shipwreck flexed again, "…Grande."

""Buenos noches, senor. bienvenido a el burritos casa de salsa. tenemos muchos platos muy sabrosos si puedo recomendar el ardiente pollo al infierno muy delicioso. sus ojos se quemaran, su estomago estara en fuego, se quedaran en el baño por una semana, entiendes lo que digo gringo estupido tonto?" Well, the food is coming, I can hardly wait. Now watch your fingers, careful hot plate! What you think you're doing with my chile con queso? Well, if you want some, just say so." Shipwreck kept singing.

"I want to bash your head in, Shipwreck." Low Light continued.

"Oh boy, pico de gallo. They sure don't make it like this in Ohio. No gracias, yo quiero jalepeños, nada más. You can toss away the hot sauce." Shipwreck kept on singing and dancing.

Despite herself Cover Girl laughed at the spectacle of Shipwreck dancing around with the baby. "Shipwreck, did you toss away your sanity?" she asked.

"Too late, he did that a long time ago." Low Light replied.

"Donde estan los nachos? Holy frijole! You better get me a bowl of guacamole. Y Usted, Eugene? Why's your face turning green? Don't you like pinto beans?" Shipwreck kept on singing.

"The name's not Eugene and no, Shipwreck, my face is turning red!" Low Light snapped, "And I'm allergic to Mexican food for your information…"

"You want some more cinnamon crispas? If you don't, hasta la vista. Just take the rest home in a doggie bag if you wanna. You can finish it mañana…" Shipwreck kept singing.

"Shipwreck, I'm going to rip your head off and stuff **it** in a doggie bag!" Low Light shouted.

"Well, it's been a pleasure, I can't eat no more. Señor, la cuenta, por favor. If you ain't tried real Mexican cooking, well, you oughta. Just don't drink the water." Shipwreck continued, spinning around.

_Who'd have thought Shipwreck of all people would be a good dancer. _Cover Girl thought. _Except when Storm's shocking him of course. What does he see in that high riding snob? _

"Taco…" Shipwreck continued, pointing at Low Light. Alex laughed. Low Light turned red. "…Grande."

"Taco…" Shipwreck sang again. The he flexed, "Grande…"

Elizabeth walked into the room just then and Shipwreck said, "Here you go. He's all calmed down."

"However did you do that?" Elizabeth asked.

"Just a little know-how about babies." Shipwreck replied, "I've raised a few myself."

"Not to mention the most annoying song ever…" Low Light grumbled.

"Taco…" Shipwreck replied.

"DIE!" Low Light shouted and chased Shipwreck with a meat cleaver all over the kitchen. It was just then that Piper, Leo, and Wyatt orbed in…

"Jack…You told us no insanity…" Piper began, fixing Jack with the evil eye. _Great. All this insanity and the X-men haven't even shown up yet._

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the crazy bitch from San Francisco." Sands began.

"You again! What are you doing here?" Piper asked.

"Piper," Phoebe said, "Remember your anger management lessons…"

"Phoebe. Shove it." Piper replied.

"Nice parenting, mama." Sands quipped.

"Sands, unless you want your cane shoved into a very painful place…" Piper warned.

"Kinky, but I'm not really into that. Leo, you should watch your wife…" Sands began.

"Sands," Leo warned, "One more word, innocent or not, and you and I are going to have a few words out back."

"Not very angelic, are we." Sands quipped.

Leo gritted his teeth and barely remembered his Whitelighter training. Sands could stand a good walloping or two. Those insults he kept trading with Piper were really immature not to mention hurtful. As a husband he wanted to beat Sands to a pulp, but as a Whitelighter he couldn't.

* * *

"_He who blessed our fathers Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, may He bless the soldiers of Israel." _**– Prayer for Israeli soldiers.**

* * *

Ted parked his truck outside the small chapel on the Pit. He opened the door, noticing there was no one inside. He headed for a nearby pew towards the back and put down the knee rest. He took a worn wooden rosary with the word Medujorge engraved on the wooden cross from his pocket.

Before he said his Profession of Faith, he began with a prayer, in Hebrew, he had said since he decided to fight in Israel. "_He who blessed our fathers Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, may He bless the soldiers of Israel who stand guard on our country and the cities of our God. From Lebanon until the deserts of Egypt, from the Mediterranean Sea until the Plains of Jordan - on dry land, in the air and sea."_

Kurt Wagner walked into the chapel when he noticed Ted Griffin, the newest of the Misfit's handlers, kneeling in prayer. He was saying a prayer he had never heard of, in Hebrew. "Mind if I join you?" Kurt asked.

Ted felt his concentration break at the sound of the kid, codenamed Nightcrawler and named Kurt Wagner. "Feel free." Ted replied.

"May I ask what decade you're on?" Kurt asked, indicating the rosary.

"I've not started yet." Ted replied.

"Mind if I pray with you?" Kurt asked, "For prayers said by two or more are much stronger."

"By all means." Ted replied.

"I don't recognize that prayer though. Is it a Hebrew Apostle's creed?" Kurt asked, knowing Ted had served in Israel for almost ten years.

"No." Ted replied, "It's a prayer for the soldiers of Israel."

"I'm sorry I interrupted you." Kurt replied.

"Think nothing of it." Ted replied.

"_May God afflict the enemies that rise against them before them. The Holy One, Blessed is He, should protect and save our soldiers from any misfortune or calamity, and from any sickenss or disease. May he send blessing and success in all their handiwork, destroy their enemies below them, and crown them with the crown of redemption and the crown of victory. And the verse "For God walks among you, to wage war for you with your enemies, to save you" should be fulfilled, and let us say, Amen_." Ted finished the last part of the prayer.

The two began their prayers, the first Our Father, "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name…"

They had finished their prayers when the chapel door opened. Paige tapped Ted's left shoulder, "Hey," she said gently, "They told me I'd find you here."

"When did you get in?" Ted asked.

"About five minutes ago, via Whitelighter express." Paige smiled, as Ted stood up and took her in his arms.

Kurt couldn't help but smile. Ted was so different around Paige than he was when around other people, such a different fellow from the calloused veteran of fighting in Israel. He seemed a lot more relaxed around her.

Kurt began his next Hail Mary in his native tongue, "Gegrüßet seist du, Maria, voll der Gnade,  
der Herr ist mit dir. Du bist gebenedeit unter den Frauen, und gebenedeit ist die Frucht deines Leibes, Jesus."

Ted and Paige exchanged a quick kiss, before Paige began, "I didn't know you were Catholic."

"In your defense, we've not even been dating for a week." Ted quipped, "The wonderful thing about Catholicism is, no matter what language a prayer is said in, we can at least follow along somewhat because their all the same. He's saying…"

"…A German Hail Mary." Paige finished, at Ted's curious stare she added, "It's a Whitelighter power. We can understand literally any spoken language."

Ted muttered something in Hebrew that sounded like astonishment. "I'd watch your mouth Ted." Paige admonished.

"What? Maybe your translation's screwy." Ted replied.

"No, I know you said something along the lines of…" Paige replied.

"That is not what it means!" Ted replied, "It really doesn't translate well into English."

"But because I'm half-Whitelighter I can understand the Hebrew context." Paige replied.

Ted clasped her hand with one of hers, "Well losing something in translation aside, I'm really glad to see you."

"I didn't lose anything in translation." Paige replied, "Whitelighters can't do that."

"Auf Wiedersen, Kurt." Ted replied.

"Danke Schone, Herr Mountaineer."

They walked out of the Chapel to Ted's waiting truck. He opened the passenger door and helped Paige into it. "Mountaineer?"

"It's one of the codenames they've got for me." Ted replied, at Paige's blank stare he added, "It's like how Shipwreck is named because he's a sailor, and Cover Girl is named because she's an ex-runway model."

"What other ones have they come up with?" Paige asked.

"That's the first one I've heard." Ted replied.

Paige couldn't help but notice Ted could be a bit of a pack rat. At her stare, Ted added, "Yeah, sorry for the clutter. There's a method to this madness, believe it or not."

"Don't worry about it." Paige replied, "Before I met Phoebe and Piper I was the same way. My car still has quite a mess in it."

Paige added, "It's also a record as to how many fast food joints you visited from Vancouver all the way over here. Not to mention your gas stops."

Between their seats was a rather beat up, but still serviceable olive green backpack. "That's my Israeli military issue pack. I barely used it after I finished my time in the regular MAGAV units. As soon as I got into YAMAS we all bought the Commando SF rucksacks, which carry more stuff in them and have better compartments in them." Ted replied.

Paige opened it and noticed it had a climbing harness, carabiners and other rappelling and climbing gear inside. "You really are a fanatic." Paige replied.

"Where are the others?" Ted asked, before starting the truck.

"Here we are." Phoebe said, "I just had to change little Chris."

"Piper, Leo, and Wyatt are back at Misfit Manor." Paige replied. Ted's face registered alarm.

"What's going on?" Paige asked, concerned.

"Uhm, let's just get going and hope that Piper doesn't meet our newest resident." Ted replied.

"You mean…" Phoebe began.

"Yes, I mean Sands." Ted replied.

"Go sit on Auntie Phoebe's lap, honey." Paige said, making room for the middle sister and her nephew.

"OK Auntie Paige." Chris replied.

"Somebody's a Mountain Dew fanatic." Phoebe said, picking up a crushed green soda can with Hebrew writing. Though it was clearly from Israel, Phoebe recognized it was Mountain Dew.

"Yeah, I used to measure deployments to Gaza in cases of Mountain Dew. I drank a can of it after operations every day." Ted replied, "My folks sent them to me, and I used to buy my fair share from the PX. You gotta find little ways to keep your sanity in a war zone."

"Speaking of war zones…" Paige began as they pulled up to Misfit Manor.

"HELP! Save me!" a herd of stampeding, screaming Multiples shouted as Trinity chased him.

"Kisses! Kisses!" they shouted.

"ZZZOOOWWWWW!" Shipwreck screamed as Storm electrified him.

"OK," Paige said, turning to Ted, "What's going on here?"

Ted rolled his eyes and stuck an Israeli issue battle helmet on top of his head. "The usual insanity that results whenever the X-men and Misfits meet each other."

"Not the lightning! Not the lightning! OW!" Shipwreck shouted as he ran across the lawn. A tiny black storm cloud was chasing him, sending lightning into him occasionally. A silver haired African woman in tasteful yet simple clothing with the expression of a Fury on her face was running, or rather flying, after Shipwreck.

"That's for 'accidentally' walking in on me in the shower you creep!" Storm shouted.

"I said I was sorry. I even gave you a compliment…" Shipwreck protested.

"Hey baby, hot bod is _not _a compliment!" Storm shouted, "Die! Die!"

Phoebe stood there, mouth agape at the sheer insanity. She turned towards Paige, "You don't seem shocked."

"No pun intended?" Paige asked, "I'm not entirely. Considering Ted's charges decided to follow Lance and Kitty on their date, and also wound up crashing ours. Somehow I'm not surprised…"

"Still, this is insane." Phoebe replied.

"Imagine living here." Ted groaned.

"Give up Arcade!" a gangly Native American fellow challenged, "Your solar propelled roller skates cannot hope to best my hover-skateboard!"

"Bring it on!" the red haired teenager Phoebe assumed was Arcade retorted. He wore a skating helmet with strange looking wings on the top of it.

"With pleasure!" Forge shouted and pressed a button on a heavily modified skateboard with an electric fan on it, "Hover-skater, activate!"

Forge shouted into a modified blue-tooth earpiece on his head, "Forward flight!"

The motor whirled to life and the Hover-skater took off. Arcade pressed a couple buttons on a big wrist watch and two solar panels appeared on each of his skates. As soon as they appeared, Arcade sped forward.

"Are any of the adults seeing this?" Phoebe asked.

"Come on Arcade! Spirit needs a new pair of boots!"

"No, come on Forge! Beat Arcade!" Warren shouted, "I've got a round of drinks at stake on you…"

Arcade began to start to catch up to Forge. "Rocket booster!" Forge shouted into the blue-tooth.

"Ha ha ha! Your puny solar powered skates are no match for my liquid fueled rocket booster! Prepare to be vanquished!" Forge shouted as a rocket ignited underneath the hover-skateboard.

Forge sped down the road and Arcade calmly tapped another button on his watch. From his backpack came a harness. On each shoulder was a shoebox sized rectangle that had several sinister looking rockets.

"They're no match for my heat seeking rocket darts! Die!" Arcade shouted, and fired a trio of them at Forge's hover-skateboard.

"Rockets!" Paige shouted and orbed them away, harmlessly down the road, where they promptly exploded next to the tires of a jeep driven by Beach Head and Duke, causing a blowout.

"WHOAAA!" Duke shouted as the jeep caromed out of control around the corner.

"Ha ha ha! Arcade! Prepare to be beaten!" Forge shouted, turning around to face Arcade and jeer at him.

"Uh Forge…" Arcade began.

"I'm the king! I'm the emperor! I'm…" Forge began, and turned back around in time to see the fishtailing jeep heading right for him, "…in deep shit…WHOA!"

Forge leaned to the left in an effort to avoid colliding with the jeep. He missed it by bare centimeters and then wiped sweat from his brow. "Pheww that was…oh no…"

Forge realized that he had skipped out of the frying pan and into the fire, for looming ahead of him was a shallow gulch with many different species of cacti living in it. Forge tried to make a turn, but sadly the board struck a large stone and catapulted Forge into the gulch.

"YEOWCH!" Forge shouted, leaping into the air with cactus thorns sticking out of his body at all angles.

"Need a hand, Cactus Butt…" Logan said as he walked over to the gulch.

"OW! OW! OW!" Sands shouted as he raced across the lawn with Piper whacking him across the head with a broom, "Abusing the handicapped! Abusing the handicapped!"

Sands kept running as Piper was whacking him. Despite being trained how to handle his blindness by the Blind Master he was still fairly new to the endeavor. He ran smack into the large tree in the front of the house and knocked himself unconscious. Piper walked away, appearing to brush dust away from her hands.

"This is insane." Phoebe remarked.

"I'll say." Ted replied, "And some of us live here."

"How do you put up with it…" Phoebe asked.

"We'll, you can't help that." Ted replied, "We're all mad here."

"Alice in Wonderland." Paige quipped, "The Cheshire Cat."

"Very good." Ted smiled at her.

"We have a situation here," Phoebe remarked, "And you two are still flirting with each other…"

"I've learned on thing since taking in these mutants into this house." Roadblock said, as he walked over to them, "And that is let the fire keep burning, it'll burn itself out."

* * *

Several hours later the noise had subsided to a dull roar. Phoebe was giving Cover Girl a hand in tending to Claudius and Barney. Paige and Ted were in the next room helping Low Light and Roadblock set up the refreshments. Piper was chatting with Elizabeth on motherhood in the far corner.

"YOW! WOW! OW!" Shipwreck shouted from out back, "Storm! It was an accident!"

"You putting your hand on my bottom was no accident!" Storm shouted as she electrified him.

"God, Shipwreck," Cover Girl groaned, "Can't you take a hint?"

"What was that all about?" Phoebe asked.

"It's just that Shipwreck's been chasing Storm, a member of the X-men around for the longest time." Cover Girl explained, "He's had the biggest crush on her…"

"I take it she doesn't reciprocate, unless they're into an electrical form of S&M." Phoebe began.

"I'm not going to touch that line." Cover Girl replied.

"OW! YOW! NOT THE LIGHTNING! WHOA! WAIT! THE SNOW'S EVEN WORSE! YAH! HOO! HOO! HOO! HOO! HOOO! BRRRRRR!" Shipwreck shouted.

"That high riding snob." Cover Girl muttered.

"What was that?" Phoebe asked, as she lifted Claudius out of his playpen.

"Nothing." Cover Girl replied, defensively, as Barney lifted his arms. She lifted the little boy out.

Phoebe smiled at her and Cover Girl looked at her saying, "What was that all about?"

"Oh nothing." Phoebe said, innocently. _Hmm, now for a different tactic._

Cover Girl said, "I know that smile means something."

_Damn am I that transparent. Wait a second…_Cover Girl thought.

"He's certainly a cute little guy." Phoebe remarked.

"Shipwreck is a lot of things, but short isn't one of them." Cover Girl replied.

"I was talking about this little guy." Phoebe said, "What's his name."

"His name's Barney." Cover Girl replied. Phoebe smiled again.

"Cute kid." Phoebe remarked, innocently, "Now, from what you told me, Althea, Brittany, Quinn, Daria and Claudius are all Shipwreck's children. Who's is this one?"

"He's Shipwreck's too." Cover Girl replied, "Barney's adopted."

"Really?" Phoebe said, "Where did he find him?"

"In Amsterdam, of all places. Barney was abandoned and was an attraction at a bar. He was malnourished with a broken arm. Shipwreck got into a brawl, set fire to the bar, and ran out with the kid in his arms." Cover Girl replied.

"That was sweet of him, in a slightly psychotic way." Phoebe replied, "Shipwreck sounds like his heart is in the right place…"

"…but his brain isn't." Cover Girl remarked.

"Granted, Shipwreck isn't the smartest guy in the world." Phoebe replied.

"The understatement of the year." Cover Girl remarked.

"But you have to admit, he's really got it where it counts." Phoebe replied.

"Why all this interest in me and Shipwreck all of a sudden?" Cover Girl replied.

"Well, you did seem a bit indignant when Storm started zapping him." Phoebe began.

"That was because I wanted Shipwreck to get a clue and realize Storm doesn't like him…" Cover Girl replied.

"That's so he'll start realizing others are waiting." Phoebe began.

"What?" Cover Girl asked.

"It's fairly obvious, Cover Girl." Phoebe replied, "You've got a thing of your own for Shipwreck."

"That's ridiculous!" Cover Girl snapped.

"Is it?" Phoebe replied, grinning enigmatically, "The evidence is there. You're jealousy of Storm…"

"I am not jealous of Storm." Cover Girl protested.

"Well, you seem to be upset that he's giving Storm all the attention." Phoebe replied, "And the very fact you're denying it…"

"Oh please…" Cover Girl groaned, "You're starting to sound like Psyche Out?"

"Who?" Phoebe asked.

"Our shrink." Cover Girl replied, "What are you, an advice columnist?"

"Actually yes." Phoebe replied, "I write a column in the Bay Mirror called 'Ask Phoebe', mostly for romantic advice."

"Don't you get tired of giving advice?" Cover Girl asked.

"I do. But in this case, I couldn't help but notice." Phoebe replied.

"I do not have feelings for Shipwreck." Cover Girl protested, "If anything I just hope Shipwreck figures things regarding Storm out before he really gets hurt."

"OW! No hail! That's fighting dirty! No fair!" Shipwreck could be heard screaming outside.

_That high riding bitch. _Cover Girl bristled to herself. Phoebe replied, "As if Shipwreck isn't getting hurt already."

"It just seems like Shipwreck has had a lot of tough breaks. I mean his wife left him for another man, leaving his heart in a dozen pieces. And then he goes for this Weather Bitch that keeps inflicting physical harm on him…" Cover Girl began.

"I see you've got more than your share of frustration regarding men." Phoebe replied.

Low Light walked into the room just then. Cover Girl walked up to him and asked, "Could you give me a hand with the punch and make sure Shipwreck doesn't spike it."

"Sure." Low Light shrugged.

"Thank you." Cover Girl said with her most winning smile. _Come on Cooper, take a hint._

"You're welcome." Low Light said, before heading out of the room.

"The classic strong, silent type." Phoebe began, "What woman wouldn't be attracted to him? Unfortunately they usually have issues they need to sort through and often have commitment problems."

"Believe me, that isn't the half of it." Cover Girl began, "I mean, he's so guarded with his feelings, so secretive about everything. It takes forever to get what's bugging him into the open."

"Are you sure that's the kind of guy you want?" Phoebe replied, "At least Shipwreck is honest about his feelings."

"What's cooking? ME! YOUCH!" Shipwreck shouted as Ororo flung him on top of the grill out back.

"Communication is huge in relationships." Phoebe began.

"I don't think, "Hey baby, you look great" is open communication. Especially coming from Shipwreck." Cover Girl replied.

"Why not? He's complimenting you." Phoebe replied.

"Yeah and then he tries to get in my pants the next moment." Cover Girl replied, "I mean, Shipwreck can be a sweet, thoughtful guy and all but he says and does the dumbest things in the same breath."

"Sounds like Shipwreck could use a clue too." Phoebe replied.

"What makes you think I'd prefer Shipwreck?" Cover Girl replied.

"First of all, you're not getting anywhere with Low Light, though you desperately want to. Second of all, you've barely gone a few words without Shipwreck being mentioned." Phoebe replied.

"That's only because Storm keeps acting like a stuck up Weather Goddess by electrifying him every twenty seconds." Cover Girl snapped.

"YOWWWW! COLD! COLD! COLD! NOT THE ICE STORM!" Shipwreck screamed as Ororo blizzard blasted him.

"Aside from that, you've brought up all the good things about Shipwreck. For instance his heart being in the right place, his compliments…" Phoebe began.

"He's crass. He's overbearing. He's a complete clod." Cover Girl replied, "End of story."

She stormed out of the room and Phoebe's brain went into overdrive. "Hmm, it seems that if I can clue Shipwreck away from Storm and towards Cover Girl _and _get him to get a clue or two on how to behave towards women I can get those two love birds together." Phoebe said, "It seems that Cover Girl can't see what a great guy Shipwreck could be, because she's so intent on Low Light…This is a challenge worthy of a dozen issues of Ask Phoebe…"

"Gah?" Barney said, staring at Phoebe.

"Oh never mind..." Phoebe replied, rolling her eyes.

* * *

TBC

Cover Girl: You mean there's MORE of this?

Piper: At least he let me beat Sands to a pulp in this chapter.

Sands: Wuh…wuh…wuh…

Piper (grabs Barney's whiffle bat) : Excuse me…


	16. Christening Chaos, Round Two

Christening Chaos, Round 2

Disclaimer: Same as before. The Sugar Heart Fairies (Sugar, Sweet, and Syracuse) are a product of Red Witch's imaginings and the story "I Put A Spell On You". I also thank Red Witch for creating the Misfitverse in general. Thank SNL for inspiring at least one scene of this story.

AN1: I could use help for giving Sands his G.I. Joe codename.

AN2: The disciplines of Intangibility and Obfuscation, while not in the Charmed Series, are my invention. Remember Firefly has been at the Pit because he's made an alliance (how long it lasts remains to be seen) with G.I. Joe.

* * *

A figure stood quite aloof, watching the festivities going on at the Pit. He knew she was there, for he had been watching her for many years. The pain of the last time they had been together had faded to a dull ache. Or so the man had thought. _Even after two years, she is still as lovely as ever._ He thought.

Through the power of Intangibility he was able to roam freely amongst the crowd without being seen or even felt. With the discipline of Obfuscation he was able to shield himself from being detected by telepaths or premonition. His eyes fell upon her, and in hiding the wounds reopened. She was still as lovely and as compassionate as before, the way she was trying to help this other woman, this 'Cover Girl' with her problems. As she walked out of the kitchen she passed through him, thanks to Intangibility. But there was one thing regarding the Obfuscation discipline…

* * *

Phoebe Halliwell felt like she had just jammed her finger into a light socket. It felt like there was a presence in the room, but it was a presence she had not felt in over two years. Even after all that time, it still took her breath away.

"Cole…" she groaned as she doubled over.

"Phoebe?" Jean asked, as she saw the Halliwell sister double over, "Are you alright?"

"Jean, can you scan for any presences in the room." Phoebe said.

Inwardly Cole smiled, even if Xavier tried to scan the room there was no way he would be able to sense him. The telepathic probe passed right over him, and did not detect him. Not even Cerebro would be able to locate him, if he did not wish to be found.

"I don't sense anything other than the other guests." Jean replied, "Are you OK?"

"It was nothing." Phoebe replied.

"It didn't look like nothing." Paige observed, she had been talking to Jean earlier.

"It felt like there was someone in the room, for a really short time." Phoebe replied.

"A ghost?" Jean asked.

"It's not unheard of in our experience." Paige replied, "But I've never heard of a ghost that we can't see before. Are you sure you didn't see anything?"

"I didn't, it was almost like there was someone in the room." Phoebe replied, "For a second it felt like…"

"Like?" Paige prompted.

"Like someone was in the room." Phoebe replied.

"Phoebe, who was it?" Jean asked, "I can do a more specific scan if I know who you sensed."

"I…," Phoebe began, and then lied, "I don't know."

Paige didn't want to press the issue, but she knew her sister was hiding something. She put an arm around Phoebe's shoulders saying, "When you're ready…"

Phoebe smiled weakly back at her sister, "Thanks." Phoebe replied.

Cole hadn't counted on this. "Alpha…" he began.

The elder Avatar appeared, using both disciples of Intangibility and Obfuscation. "What is it, Cole? Or do you still go Belthazor…"

Cole bristled, "That name no longer holds any meaning to me."

"Pity, it was a part of your heritage." Alpha replied, "But down to business, how did Phoebe detect you?"

"How did you know that?" Cole asked.

"I've been watching you for the past day now, since you decided to follow her again." Alpha replied, "You didn't realize that Obfuscation and Intangibility are less effective against those who inspire strong emotions. Someone like Phoebe perhaps. Enough of this, you're missing one hell of a party." Alpha replied, before vanishing.

"Are you alright?" Ted asked Paige as he walked out onto the porch, putting his arms around her waist from behind and kissing the side of her neck. 

Paige turned to face him, putting her arms around his chest, "Something weird just happened to Phoebe, and she won't tell me what it is."

"You're worried." Ted replied, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Paige hesitated for a moment before she replied, "It's just that Phoebe had an encounter with a presence of some kind."

"A flashback? Did something bad happen to Phoebe around this time?" Ted asked.

"It wasn't a flashback." Paige replied, "It was something else. It was like there was a presence in the room, one she hadn't felt in a long time. The damndest thing is I can't figure out who or what…"

"Former lover?" Ted guessed, in a totally casual manner.

A smile spread across Paige's face as she gave a bewildered Ted a quick kiss and headed back inside the house. "You're a genius!"

"Thank you, but I was joking…" Ted replied, following his girlfriend who walked inside like a woman on a mission.

_So Paige has a new love interest? Interesting. _Cole thought as he followed them inside. _Didn't think soldier boys were her type. Especially Israeli soldier boys. The guy obviously is smarter than he realizes. I'd better get out before they really start looking. Hmm…I could use a cup of coffee right about now._

Cole reached over to the kitchen counter where coffee was brewing in a pot. He made himself just tangible enough to pour himself a cup before making the mug vanish. He took the first sip and it felt like drinking a shot of tequila plus a beer chaser. A smile slowly spread across his face, this was excellent. He had to have more…

* * *

Paige approached Phoebe just then, "Phoebe, about that weird presence you ran into earlier…"

Phoebe turned to Elizabeth and said, "Excuse me for a minute. And congratulations once again."

"Thank you." Elizabeth beamed as baby Alex sucked at the tip of his mother's little finger.

"We can talk in the kitchen…." Paige said, taking her sister's arm. Ted knew that the sisters needed a moment alone and went to go congratulate Elizabeth on the baby.

"Congratulations. He's adorable." Ted remarked.

"Well you helped deliver him." Elizabeth replied.

"That was more Lifeline and Bree, not me." Ted replied.

"You let us use your truck." Elizabeth replied.

"I'm glad I could be of service," Ted replied, "In helping bring this little guy into the world."

Meanwhile, Paige and Phoebe walked into the kitchen. "Look, that presence you felt earlier wasn't your imagination it was…"

"…Cole!" Phoebe shouted.

Indeed, former Assistant District Attorney Cole Turner, once the great demon bounty hunter Belthazor was standing in the middle of the kitchen floor casually sipping a cup of coffee in a blue three piece suit.

"It looks like the cat's out of the bag now." Cole replied. In his hands a burlap sack appeared and a large orange tabby cat hopped out and began to run across the floor.

"Parlor tricks aren't going to change things, Cole." Phoebe replied, coldly.

"Believe me, it wasn't intentional." Cole replied, "It's just that this stuff seems to be making metaphors and clichés I say come to life."

"What stuff?" Phoebe replied.

"This stuff." Cole said, hefting a mug of coffee.

"That would be B.A.'s coffee." Paige began.

"B.A.?" Cole asked.

"He's the chef here at the Pit." Paige replied, "His coffee is powerful enough to make adults wired for days, but makes mutants and Whitelighters act drunk and it really has weird effects on whatever you are."

"This is heavy." Cole remarked. At that moment the coffee mug instantly felt like it massed as much as a barbell loaded to capacity with free weights.

"OW!" Cole replied as he dropped the coffee cup on the floor, making a crack in the linoleum.

"What are you doing here?" Phoebe demanded.

"I missed you." Cole replied, "And I wanted to see you again…"

"You could have tried calling first." Phoebe remarked.

"You wouldn't have picked up." Cole replied.

"So you decided to follow us hidden from view. That sounds an awful lot like stalking to me." Paige replied.

"I really didn't think soldiers were your type, Paige." Cole remarked, "And Phoebe, I'm sorry, you probably wouldn't have wanted to speak to me. I was trying to work up the courage to…"

"…see if we couldn't start things over again." Phoebe replied, ticking off examples on her fingers, "Hmm, let's see. Bad idea. First you killed a witch, even after you swore you were good. Then you get me turned into a banshee…"

"In my defense, counselor, that wasn't my fault. It was your grief…" Cole replied, heatedly.

"That was caused by you!" Phoebe snapped back, "Anyway, you also became the new Source of All Evil, turning me into your Evil Queen. And divided me and my sisters!"

"OK, so I admit that one was my fault…" Cole replied, backing away raising his hands as Phoebe advanced menacingly on him, "Let's not forget that I helped you turn back into a human after you got turned into a mermaid."

"And again that was because of you!" Phoebe shouted back, "Let's not forget you altered reality so we never found Paige!"

"Admittedly that wasn't one of my better ideas. But you have to admit that I had only the best of intentions behind them…" Cole began.

"Some of the worse things imaginable start with the best of intentions." Phoebe replied, "Cole, go away."

With a heavy heart, Cole Turner teleported away from Misfit Manor.

* * *

"Mommy, I'm hungry…" Wyatt said, tugging on Piper's skirt as she and Leo sat on a couch..

Alan Breck smiled as he watched Piper and Leo try to manage their little ones. For once he remembered the laughter and pints of ale whenever his clan gathered from all over the Highlands. Food and drink aplenty were to be hand. Children laughed and chased each other on the grounds of the Macgreggor estate.

"The wee ones can be a bit trying, when you want to be with your beloved." Alan remarked.

"It's a Catch-22," Piper replied, "I don't know what I'd do without them. But I can never find the time to do anything that needs to be done with them."

At Alan's curious stare she said, "It's like being between a rock and a hard place."

"Aye, I understand." Alan replied, and he dropped to one knee in front of Wyatt, "I'm off to get me a bite to eat as well. I'll get you some food, if it's OK with your mum…"

Something about Alan instinctively made Piper trust him. _Anyway the table with all the food on it is in plain sight. _

"Come on then." Alan began.

"My mommy says never to go anywhere with strangers." Wyatt replied.

"Your mommy sounds like a smart lady." Alan replied, "I'm Alan Breck."

"Wyatt Matthew Halliwell…" Wyatt replied. Alan had to smile; the child certainly had the makings of the precocious variety.

"Well," Alan replied, "Let's get you something to eat."

"Bye Mommy." Wyatt said, waving.

Piper said, "I'll see you later sweetie."

"See, I told you that they weren't all that bad." Leo said, putting an arm around Piper's waist. Piper leaned her head on Leo's right shoulder, closed her eyes for a moment and smiled. If this wasn't a crowded party a certain temptation would exist. _Oh well, later tonight. I'll see if I can't talk Paige or Phoebe into keeping an eye on the boys. _

Leo seemed to sense this and wrapped his arm a little more snugly around Piper's waist. "Hmm…" Piper sighed, the stress of the past week, all the changes, including Paige dating Ted and the inevitable Misfit chaos his visits seemed to bring melted away.

Leo kissed the side of Piper's neck, "Let's take a walk." Leo began, "As soon as Wyatt and Chris are fed, we'll put them in the playpen with Claudius and Barney."

Piper sighed contentedly yet again, as she lifted her legs, drawing her knees to her chest as Leo held her close.

* * *

Sands sat down on the back porch, a bottle of Corona in his hand and an icepack atop his head, after Piper had thrashed him with a broom earlier. "Do you mind?" Sands began, addressing Phoebe and Paige, "You two have been yapping back there for hours, I'd like to enjoy my beer in peace. Who cares who this Cole fellow is anyway?"

"Don't mind him." Paige said, "He always acts like an egotistical asshole even when he had his eyes."

"And to answer your question, _I _care who the 'Cole fellow' is?" Phoebe replied, indignantly.

"Of course you care…" Sands remarked.

"Why are you being such an ass to everyone?" Paige asked, "Ever since we've met you've been the worst to my sisters, to me, to Leo. Even to Ted, your alleged friend, and other members of G.I. Joe."

"Look into my eyes and answer that question." Sands replied, lifting his sunglasses. Paige and Phoebe looked. Instead of eyeballs he had empty sockets which gave Sands' face an almost skull-like appearance.

"As for G.I. Joe, this was their damned fault. They left me out to dry." Sands replied, "I was on the line with Chuckles. First the idiot loses the guns I needed for the coup. And then he doesn't give me a line that isn't compromised. Third, he doesn't send backup in time and I wind up a blind man because of it. Satisfied!"

Sands put his sunglasses back on, "For 'powerful' witches you certainly did a bang up job protecting your 'innocent'. I got captured and almost sacrificed by Nazarac! And you all have these powers yet can't do jack to restore my eyesight!"

"Sands, you losing your eyes was your own damn fault." Ted interjected, as he walked onto the back porch, "And I'll thank you not to be an asshole to my girlfriend, thank you very much."

"Girlfriend? Considering you've been dating for all of one week, I'm impressed." Sands replied.

"Yes, I said girlfriend." Ted replied.

"Wow, the first one you've had in a long time." Sands remarked.

"Do not bring my romantic history…"

"Or lack thereof." Sands quipped.

"…into all this!" Ted replied.

"Boys, boys." Paige began, walking between the two men, "Can you not go five minutes without trying to kill one another."

Paige turned to Sands, "Ted is supposedly your friend, yet you take every opportunity to insult him."

"What kind of idiot goes to Israel over a college heartbreak?" Sands quipped.

"At least I can see better than you right now." Ted snapped.

Paige turned towards Ted, "And you, mister, need not stoop to his level by giving him the response he wants."

"Someone's in the dog house." Sands quipped.

Ted held his tongue. "And you guys have known each other since college. Now you insist on antagonizing each other?"

"We were college kids back then, we didn't know any better." Both men replied.

"For once you two agree on something." Paige replied.

"That was a freak accident." Sands replied.

Paige took Ted's arm, "Look, you don't have to stay here and argue with him."

"I'm all for a walk, love." Ted replied, "There's that new canyon Lance created sleep-terraforming a couple weeks ago, it has one of the best views."

"It sounds lovely." Paige replied, as they both walked off.

* * *

Piper and Leo went for a walk through a large park on the Pit. It had been built at Psyche-Out's insistence on a greenery program for certain areas of the base. Everyone had a hand in planting out the grove, even Beach Head, who planted a small fern that died in roughly twenty-four hours. It was also right by the fence of Shipwreck's back yard.

"It's been so long since we've been able to do something like this, with all the craziness we've been through." Piper mused.

"Well, we're making up for it right now, honey." Leo said, softly, from behind Piper as he slipped his hands around her waist from behind.

Piper backed into Leo smiling, turning her head as Leo's lips met hers. She turned all the way around, putting her hands on his chest before tenderly returning the feather-light kiss Leo had earlier bestowed on her. The next kiss was a deeper one and Leo's next thoughts were anything but chastely angelic. Piper sighed softly, her eyes scanning for a soft patch of ground.

Leo deepened the kiss, drawing Piper into his embrace and was instantly reminded why and how much he loved his wife. They parted for want of air again and looked deeply into each others eyes. It was exactly like four years ago when they had fallen in love for the first time, passion rekindling.

Suddenly, a rocket propelled hovering skateboard flew just behind Leo's head. "Somebody stop this crazy thing!" Forge shouted, "Flame out! Flame out!"

Forge was struggling desperately to balance on the skateboard as it caromed wildly out of control through the underbrush. "I cleared the rocks! I've cleared the brush! I'm…"

Suddenly a huge tree loomed in front of Forge, "…in deep shit."

WHAM! Forge collided with the tree and thudded to the ground. The hover skater was a complete wreck of twisted metal.

"It's official." Piper groaned, "We're cursed…"

"Wuh…wuh…wuh…" Forge groaned as he staggered drunkenly away from the wreckage.

* * *

"Oh, he's so adorable." Kitty cooed as she watched baby Alex lying in his bassinet.

"Aw, look at his little hands." Amara giggled, "They're opening and closing."

"Aw, and he's smiling too…" Jean added.

"I don't get it." Bobby asked, "He's a baby. All they do is cry, eat, pee, and shit."

"Not to mention they're devious as anything…" Scott replied.

"Scott! How could you say such a thing about a sweet little thing like Alex?" Jean snapped.

"It was more than a few Adventures in Babysitting!" Scott replied, "Remember that!"

"Who could forget those snapshots, Summers." Lance grinned wildly, "Especially the feathers and body paint, Jean. Wow, who'd have thought you were on the kinky side…"

"Alvers…" Scott bristled.

"Oh yeah! Bobby replied, "I remember those…"

"Bobby," Scott began, "Unless you want fifteen level-fifteen Danger Room sessions you will not mention those pictures."

"You mean the pictures of Jean wearing body paint and feathers and Scott naked?" Xi asked.

"Yeah, those pictures." Bobby replied.

"DIE!" Scott and Jean shouted as they chased him around the house.

"I'll never understand why such a mundane act arouses such anger…and emotion." Xi mused as he munched on some cookies.

* * *

Phoebe sighed, as she stood out on the back porch. Sands was still drinking his third beer of the hour with the Blind Master. As she stared out into the Misfit Manor's backyard Jack Sparrow, Mr. Cotton, Mr. Gibbs, Matelot and a couple other Pirates of the Carribean she couldn't remember walked onto the porch.

"Excuse me, missy, can ye tell me what this thing you call a movie is rated?" Mr. Gibbs asked.

"It depends on the movie." Phoebe replied.

"The Blair Witch Project." Jack replied.

"I don't know of the top of my head, but I think it's rated R…" Phoebe replied.

"ARRRHH HAR HA HAR!" The pirates all shouted and waved their bottles of rum about.

"OK, that was just weird…I think you guys need to stop hanging out at the bar…" Phoebe replied. _Damn._

"BAAARRRR HA HA HA HARRR!" The Pirates all shouted.

"I think you're carrying this joke a bit too far." Phoebe began.

"FARRRRR HAR HAR HAR!" The Pirates all shouted.

"OK, I see where this is going." Phoebe replied, "It's just like that Saturday Night Live skit with Peter Saarsgard…"

"SAARRRRSGARD!" The Pirates all shouted like maniacs, "AH HA HA HAR!"

"OK," Phoebe said, "I guess I've got to stop saying words with the letter 'r' in them…"

"ARRRHHH HA HA HA HARRRR!" The Pirates shouted crazily.

"That's it! Find someone else for your joke!" Phoebe snapped.

"Before you be going, missy, what do they call a lead actor in a movie?" Jack Sparrow asked.

"The star." Phoebe replied. _Drat._

"STARRRRR HAR HAR HAR HAR!" The Pirates all chanted.

Phoebe stormed off, almost colliding with Piper and Leo. "Having a bad day?" Leo asked.

"You could say that." Phoebe replied, "First my demon ex shows up, then I get bugged by a bunch of drunken pirates. Here's a tip, don't say anything that has an 'r' in it around Jack Sparrow and his buddies. What about you and that walk you two were going to take?"

"It got interrupted by that crazy inventor Forge and his crazy rocket propelled skateboard! Right in mid-kiss no less!" Piper snapped, "So who's having a bad day…"

"HA HA HA HAR!" The Pirates shouting could be heard in the background.

* * *

Cole Turner sat at a roadside bar, nursing a drink, his tie removed and wrapped around his right hand. He took a small photo of Phoebe, one that was almost four years old from a carnival photo booth. It was worn out from years of being in his pocket. Even though he had been Belthazor at that time, things were so much simpler that day. There was no struggle between demon and human half, there was only love and tenderness that made his human half that much stronger.

"She's beautiful." A female voice said from behind his left ear.

"Yeah, she is, but…" Cole raised his eyebrows as he noticed that a little fairy, about six inches high with pink hair and tiny wings, "I'm not _that _drunk, so I _know _I'm not seeing things."

"No you aren't, I'm real." The fairy said.

"If you're real then why don't these other clowns see you?" Cole asked, indicating the assorted patrons.

"Hey! Who are you calling a clown!" A fellow in a circus getup shouted.

"No offense." Cole replied, gesturing at the female in the white and pink dress with the white and pink hair ribbons, "I was arguing with that fairy over here!"

"Why I am offended by your language, mister!" a slightly effeminate man said, and slapped Cole's face before walking out of the bar.

"Hey buddy, I think you've had enough." The barkeep said.

"Bullshit!" Cole replied,"This is my second drink."

"You're a lightweight, dude." A spring breaker two stools away said.

"Oh shut your trap, junior." Cole replied. _Great. First Phoebe cold shoulders me, then I wind up at a bar and this stupid fairy won't leave me alone. And then I get yelled at by an out of work circus employee, slapped by a gay man, and now I'm exchanging insults with a drunken college frat boy. I'm really having a bad day. _

"You're right barkeep, I've had enough." Cole said, sliding some money towards the bartender. He walked out into the parking lot, the pink haired fairy following him.

"OK, spill it. Who are you and what do you want?" Cole asked.

"I'm a fairy."

"I can see that." Cole replied, "And before you go around making me look like Prue and Phoebe when they met their fairies Once Upon A Time, what gives."

"You've got it bad for that girl in the picture, don't you?"

"And why is that your business?" Cole asked.

"I'm a Heart Fairy! A defender of love!"

"A Heart Fairy? I've never heard of those before." Cole replied.

"The great Belthazor has never heard of us. It's no surprise that he doesn't know anything about love…"

"For one thing, Belthazor is dead! Cole Turner is alive and well, thank you very much!" Cole replied defensively.

"Ah yes. The girl in the picture. What was her name again? Piper?"

"Her name is Phoebe…" Cole said, irritated.

"So she was the one who won the great Belthazor's heart."

"First off, quit calling me Belthazor!" Cole replied.

"You may not be a demon anymore, but you still have no sense of humor."

"Who _are _you?" Cole asked, waving his arms, not caring that a couple patrons who were leaving the bar together with the bouncer were staring at him like he'd gone completely bats. As far as they were concerned he was just another blasted drunk.

"I am the Heart Fairy Sugar, the Defender of Love. I Protect…"

Just then a second fairy appeared, "You mean we Protect…"

"I'm sorry Sweet." Sugar replied, "We protect the lovelorn and defeated in love."

"Hey wait up!" A third fairy whined.

"Oh great, Syracuse, always late." Sugar groaned.

"Syracuse?" Cole blinked.

"Give me a break, will you!" the purple haired fairy in the purple dress replied, "I have 280 sisters and I'm the youngest, so of course all the good names would be taken!"

"OK, so you're the Three Heart Fairies." Cole replied, thinking. _What is it with me and threes these days? Is it some kind of cosmic curse that I encounter trios of sisters everywhere I go?_

"You got it Toyota." Sugar beamed, "And we have a proposition for you."

"Sorry, you're not my type for one, and for two I don't do fairies, and…"

"You may not be a demon anymore." Syracuse replied, "But you've got a dirty mind."

"OK, it isn't that sort of proposition." Cole replied, "Just what is it you guys want?"

"What's her name? The girl in the picture?" Sugar replied.

"Her name's Phoebe." Cole sighed, "And I blew it big time. Every time I've tried to show her my love something bad happens. Either demons get in my way, things go straight to hell, or…"

"Fear not. We have a plan to help you win back the woman of your dreams." Sugar said.

"I'm listening…" Cole replied. This plan was going to be foolproof. He would win back Phoebe's heart, and with the help of three Sugar Heart Fairies, how could he possibly fail?

* * *

TBC (Up next, more Christening Chaos and the return of the Heart Fairies)

Piper: For once you drive Phoebe crazy instead of me.

Phoebe: HEY! Why don't you bug Paige next time around?


	17. Christening Chaos, Round Three

Christening Chaos, Round 3

Disclaimer: Same as before...I don't own Nirvana's _Smells Like Teen Spirit _either. However the character of Father Flanagan is my creation.

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Ted asked, "The reason you can orb like Leo is because you're half-Whitelighter like your nephews."

"Exactly." Paige replied.

"How did that happen, again?" Ted asked, "If you don't mind me asking."

"My Dad wasn't Victor Halliwell. I have the same mom as my three sisters, but Mom had an affair with Sam, her Whitelighter before she died." Paige replied, "And after Prue was killed and reincarnated on another world, I found out that I was a witch just like my half-sisters. I started coming to P3, Piper's club, for reasons I couldn't understand at the time. I discovered my powers in time to vanquish Prue's killer and moved in with my sisters."

"You have an interesting family." Ted replied.

"You're one to talk." Paige said, playfully, "You're half-English and half-Scot on your father's side, and half French-Canadian on your mother's. Not to mention your father was an ex-Green Beret during Vietnam, with three tours under his belt who went back to Syracuse University to get his undergraduate degree after the war and became an archaeologist. When he was on a dig in Egypt he met your mother and then after you were born you started spending summers in Israel and the rest of your years in Canada, with a brief stint in America. Who's got the interesting life, now?"

"Point made." Ted replied, "But we've not run into witches or Whitelighters or mutants before. Nor do I have an older sibling or half-sibling who was killed and reincarnated to fight the Heartless on other worlds."

"Well I didn't happen to spend nine and a half years in Israel, six of them with an undercover riot squad." Paige replied.

"Well I've not been chasing demons around for the past three years, or knowing I'm some kind of good witch." Ted replied, "Though I'm glad I happen to be dating one."

"I think we can agree both of us have had interesting lives." Paige replied as they walked back to Misfit Manor.

"No, I am fine! I don't need you three meddling in my personal affairs" Phoebe shouted at the air, "Cole is in my PAST!"

"You know, a week ago this would have been very strange, even for me." Paige replied.

"The Coyotes are back? What a surprise." Ted replied, rolling his eyes.

"Why do I get the feeling this christening ceremony is going to drive us crazy?" Paige asked.

"If Phoebe's this bad, I wonder how bad Piper's going to be?" Ted replied.

"I think we're going to find out." Paige replied.

"HA HA HA HAR!" The Pirates all shouted in chorus with bottles of rum.

An extremely harried Piper greeted them, "Who's idea was this again?"

"If I remember correctly, Piper, you agreed to it." Paige replied.

"Paige..." Piper just about growled, "This christening cannot get any more insane..."

Little did Piper realize just how wrong she could be as they all walked back into the house while Phoebe was yelling at the air.

* * *

Just then, they heard maniacal laughter, the sounds of electricity, and the shout of three teenaged girls shouting, "IT'S ALIVE!"

"Socket wrench." Brittany said.

"Here." Daria said.

"Just a few more adjustments and Baby Alex's Christening gift will be ready." Quinn replied, as she typed away at the keyboard.

Underneath the tarp was a man sized figure. "All done. Final mechanical adjustments made." Brittany said.

"Programming complete, all songs downloaded from everyone's iTunes accounts." Quinn replied.

"Mr. Friend is ready for action!" Quinn shouted.

"Bring it to life!" Daria shouted

Daria threw a switch and the three girls chanted, "IT'S ALIVE!"

* * *

"OK, you guys seem awfully calm about all this?" Piper observed.

"This isn't the first time Trinity has invented something completely insane." Arcade remarked.

"I wonder what it is this time?" Fred observed.

"It can't be any worse than any of Forge's inventions." Kitty observed.

"Five will get you ten that it's a robot of some kind." Wanda replied.

"You're on." Althea replied.

"I guarantee it's going to cause madness and destruction." Xi replied.

"You guys are insane." Piper remarked.

"I'll bet it's something for the baby." Fred replied.

"Oh no!" Pietro remarked, "If it's anything like the Auto-Poop Diaper Changer that Trinity invented last year, it's going to be a disaster."

"Talk about shitty..." Scott replied.

"No pun intended, Summers." Lance joked. Scott fixed Lance with a look that suggested malice and homicide.

Just then everyone's attention was grabbed by Trinity and a very lifelike, robotic Richard Simmons lookalike.

"Behold! Mr. Friend is here!" Trinity began.

Just then the lyrics to Nirvana's _Smells Like Teen Spirit _began to echo around the living room as the robot began to jog in place on the stairs. "Load up your guns. Bring your friends. It's fun to lose. And to pretend..."

"It's confirmed." Piper began, "You guys are absolutely insane."

The Richard Simmons robot jogged up to Piper and began to sing, "She's overboard. Myself assured. I know. I know. A dirty word."

"I've got more than a few dirty words for you..." Piper groaned.

"Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello." The robot sang as it jogged around the room, "Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello."

"Well, at least it's friendly." Leo remarked.

"Leo..." Piper growled, whirling on Leo.

"What on Earth is that thing?" Will Turner asked as he walked into the living room carrying his son in his arms.

"It's my sisters' latest insane invention." Althea remarked.

"A robot that looks just like Richard Simmons, singing Nirvana songs?" Althea continued, and turned towards her sisters, "And just what insanity possessed you to create this thing?"

"It's a gift for Alex." Brittany said, as though it was the most natural thing on Earth.

"You made a hyperactive, robotic, Richard Simmons lookalike as a gift for the _baby?_ If this is anything like your Auto Poop Diaper Changer machine you invented for Claudius and Barney, this is going to be a disaster."

"Why did you invent this thing?" Piper asked.

"It's a babysitter, house made, and morale booster all in one self-learning robot." Trinity declared in unison.

"It's official, your house is an insane asylum." Piper remarked.

"Some of us live here, you know." Ted remarked.

"When the light's out! It's less dangerous! Here we are now! Entertain us!" The robot sang to Will.

"Pissing _me _off is dangerous!" Low Light threatened when he saw the robot.

"This is worse than the Taco Grande song." Cover Girl remarked as she walked into the kitchen.

"Go away!" Will shouted.

"Aye aye..." The Robot sputtered and skipped out of the living room.

"That was weird..." Paige remarked.

"Weird is _not _the term I would use to describe that thing..." Piper remarked.

"Try disturbing..." Rogue said.

"I feel stupid. And contagious. Here we are now. Entertain us!" The robot sputtered.

"You _are_ stupid!" Low Light could be heard, bellowing at the robot, "I'll entertain you alright, with an ax!"

"And I thought christenings were supposed to be boring." Sands quipped as he walked in from the porch, listening to the chaos that the robotic Richard Simmons was wreaking.

* * *

Cole Turner shimmered into Misfit Manor with three Heart Fairies hovering around his shoulders. He had appeared in the basement. "Are you sure this is going to work?" Cole asked.

"Positive." Sugar replied.

"Have you done anything like this before?" Cole asked.

"You could say that." Sweet giggled.

"Yeah we have!" Syracuse said, "We believe in happy endings for those who are wounded by love..."

"Syracuse, remember the incident with Lance and Kitty..." Sugar warned.

"Ix nay on the Kittiae..." Syracuse grumbled.

"What?" Cole replied.

"Never mind." Sugar replied, "This time our plan will be foolproof..."

Just then the basement door opened and Piper and Leo stood at the top of the staircase. "Evidently not Whitelighter proof..." Cole groaned.

"Look, Leo," Piper began, "I'm all for building a bridge with our future allies against the Heartless, but...COLE!"

"Busted." Cole groaned.

"What are those fairies doing here?" Piper demanded, "While we're at it what are _you _doing here?"

"I do believe that is a politically incorrect term Piper," Cole began in a very professorial tone, "They're known as homosexuals. I should know..."

"Cole, you had better not be coming out of the closet." Piper replied.

Cole reddened, "It's nothing of the sort! I got a slap in the face by one at a bar earlier."

"Why Cole, what were you doing at a..." Piper began.

"LOVE FAIRY RAINBOW HEART ATTACK!" The three fairies shouted.

"Wait a second, that shouldn't work, considering they're married they already..." Cole shouted as Piper and Leo were bathed in a strange rainbow colored light.

"No, silly," Syracuse said, "We can also magnify existing feelings. We found that out last time we used something like that."

"Wait a second!" Cole demanded, as Piper and Leo were passionately embracing and kissing each other at the top of the staircase, "You guys are LEARNING how to use these love influencing powers!"

"Uhm, we've had one or two accidents along the way, but yes..." Syracuse replied.

"You're calling Romeo and Juliet an ACCIDENT!" Sugar demanded.

"And why did I agree to this again?" Cole replied.

"Because you love Phoebe." Sugar replied.

"And because you want to win back her love." Sweet replied.

"And because whenever you agree for a Sugar Heart Fairy to help you the agreement is binding for forty-eight hours..." Syracuse replied.

"Oh no..." Cole groaned, "This is going to be a disaster."

* * *

"Whoa, talk about intense!" Lance replied, as Piper and Leo were passionately kissing each other and practically making out as Piper half dragged Leo out of the house.

"I'll say." Phoebe replied, "This is so unlike them."

"Oh boy blackmail!" Trinity replied.

"And why does this not surprise me?" Althea replied, rolling here eyes.

"Is this normal?" Paige asked.

"You tell me, she's your sister and he's your brother-in-law." Ted replied.

"No, I mean this insane activity in Misfit Manor..." Paige replied.

"Well, I would say yes." Ted replied.

"It's official, Piper's right, this place is an insane asylum." Paige replied.

"I do say," The Beast said as he lumbered into the room, "It appears that Piper and Leo are under the influence of something that I swear I've seen before..."

Just then a rocket propelled dart struck the Beast just behind the ear. "Sons of Scotland! They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!"

The Beast tore off his clothing, and brandished an umbrella as though it was a sword. "OK, that was weird." Paige began.

"Murron, my love." Beast said and kissed Paige.

"Get your furry paws off my girlfriend, Cookie Monster!" Ted shouted.

"Edward the Longshanks! I've waited to destroy your sorry hide. Ye'll not lay a paw upon Murron..." Beast shouted as he struck Ted in the head with the umbrella, and started chasing him around the house.

Just then Paige saw three fairies start flying out of the basement, followed closely by Cole Turner. "You!" Paige shouted.

"Me?" Cole said.

"You're responsible for all this aren't you?" Paige asked.

"Who me?" Cole replied.

"Yes you!" Paige shot back.

"Before we start sounding like a bad Dr. Seuss story, what's going on here? And why am I being blamed..." Cole replied.

"Do you want the short list or the long list..." Paige replied, seriously hacked off at Cole.

"Hit me." Cole replied. Paige punched Cole in the face. "I didn't mean literally..."

"Whoops, must have slipped my mind." Paige replied.

"So what is going on?" Cole asked.

"Well, first of all, Piper and Leo are making out like a pair of teenagers, then my boyfriend is fighting with the Beast who strangely started acting like I was Murron from Braveheart and he was William Wallace..." Paige replied.

"Prepare to die Cookie Monster's inbred stepchild!" Ted shouted, swinging a baseball bat.

"Scotland will be free, Longshanks!" Beast shouted, wearing an improvised tartan kilt and nothing else.

"Thou shalt be brained!" Ted shouted, swinging the bat.

"Ouch that's gotta hurt." Cole remarked, "OW! What is it with you hitting me?"

"You started this entire disaster." Paige said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Well kinda..." Cole admitted.

"What do you mean by _kinda_?" Paige replied.

"You see..." Cole began.

"ENEMY OF LOVE!" Sugar shouted, and started zapping Kitty.

"DEMON INCARNATE!" Syracuse shouted and blasted her with a rocket from a magical bazooka.

The house shook violently, "Die HEART FAIRIES!" Lance shouted.

Pitor was armored up and punched at Syracuse who flew straight up. He punched a hole into the drywall as the house shook yet again.

"HELP ME!" Kitty shouted as she ran screaming away from the Sugar Heart Fairies.

Cole winced, "That should be illegal...OUCH!"

"Why do you keep hitting me, again..." Cole asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Paige practically shouted.

"You're starting to sound like Piper." Cole remarked.

"That's not the point!" Paige shouted, "You started this, you are going to finish it. You can start by explaining _how _this started."

"It's a funny story, actually." Cole began, "You see, I was at a bar..."

"BAR HA HA HA HARRR!" Jack Sparrow and the Pirates all shouted as they walked into the house as it shook violently under the tremors Lance was creating.

"DIE DIE!" Lance shouted at the Sugar Heart Fairies.

"Here we are now! Entertain us! A mulatto! An albino! My libido! Yea!" The Richard Simmons robot shouted as it did several sideways moving jumping jacks through the living room.

"That was disturbing..." Cole replied.

"OK, before we get distracted," Paige continued, "Keep going..."

"Well, as I was drinking a beer I was approached by a fairy...and no more politically incorrect jokes, please." Cole began, "Who noticed me staring at Phoebe's picture and then they made a proposition..."

"Are you out of your mind?" Paige replied.

"In my defense, councilor, I had no idea _this _would result!" Cole shouted back.

"OK, first thing's first, we have to get you out of sight before Phoebe..." Paige began.

"Cole? What are you doing here?" Phoebe shouted.

"...sees you..." Paige began, awkwardly.

"Phoebe, let me explain..." Cole began.

"Out! Out! Out!" Phoebe shouted.

"At least let me try and explain..." Cole shouted.

"You mean how all this insanity came about?" Phoebe shouted.

"Technically it's his fault." Paige replied.

"You are _so _lucky that I do not have an active power." Phoebe began.

"There she is!" Sugar shouted, diving towards Phoebe.

"Power rockets of love!" Sweet shouted, bearing a bazooka. Phoebe dived out of the way, just as the magical missile blew a hole into the floor.

"What are those things called?" Phoebe shouted.

"They're called Sugar Heart Fairies..." Cole began, "And I had a deal with them."

"Let me guess, you're trying to get me to fall back in love with you again." Phoebe replied.

"You smelled me out." Cole began.

"I don't think the house can take any more damage." Paige observed, "Or any more insanity."

"I hate to say this, Paige," Cole replied, "I think Misfit Manor is already loaded past capacity with insanity..."

"I'm worse at what I do best. And for this gift I feel blessed. Our little group has always been. And always will until the end." The robotic Richard Simmons sang as he ran high knees towards Cole.

"Will you stop that!" Cole shouted.

"Defend baby...defend baby..." The robot sputtered and immediately a strange looking gun emplacement appeared from it's shoulder.

"Uh-oh..." Cole shouted.

"From what I know about Trinity," Paige began, grinning sardonically, "Their inventions tend to have destructive features built in..."

The robot fired a laser blast at Cole, narrowly missing him. "You're telling me this **_now_**?" Cole shouted as the robot chased him.

"I didn't think it was important at the time..." Paige replied.

"Now I'm going to be running for my life from a robotic Richard Simmons clone from hell?" Cole began.

"Start running intruder!" The robot sputtered as tubular projections came out of it's hands. A stream of flaming oil came right at Cole.

"OW! That burns!" Cole shouted.

"Destroy! Destroy! Maim Intruder!" The robot shouted and began chasing Cole all over the house.

"What on Earth is going on here..." Cover Girl demanded.

"Phoebe's demonic ex..." Paige began.

"You mean the guy being chased around by Trinity's latest invention?" Cover Girl asked.

"Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello." The robot sang, firing blasts of laser fire and streams of fire with each 'Hello'.

"Paige! Stop this crazy thing!" Cole shouted.

"One and the same..." Paige replied.

"Not to mention that the Sugar Heart Fairies have made an appearance." Cover Girl replied

"You've run into these maniacs before?" Paige asked.

"They wreaked their share of havoc at the Xavier Institute when Lance and Shipwreck decided to woo Kitty and Storm dressed up as knights on horseback complete with shining armor." Cover Girl replied.

Now Phoebe was running away from Sugar and Sweet as their wands and magic missiles streaked perilously close. "Love Cole! Forgive his sins!" they shouted.

"Ack! A little help!" Phoebe shouted.

"WOOWWWZERRSSS!" Shipwreck screamed as Storm electrocuted him yet again.

"And now of all times, Shipwreck chooses to annoy Storm." Cover Girl groaned, "It's official, this Christening is going to hell."

"How are we going to get these fairies out of Misfit Manor?" Paige asked.

"You're asking _me? _You're the certified witch." Cover Girl replied.

"I'm going to have to find Piper and Phoebe..." Paige began.

"I'll try and patch things up...Low Light! Get over here! I need help!" Cover Girl shouted.

"Yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me, (hic)!" Low Light sang as he staggered around with a bottle of rum in his hands.

"Great, where are Spirit and the Blind Master?" Cover Girl asked.

"They're entertaining the pirates with a blindfolded knife throwing demonstration." Low Light said, "Now I'm seeing what I'm missing by exploring the joys of rum."

"Great..." Cover Girl groaned, "Roadblock!"

"There you are." Roadblock said, "Can you help Wolverine and I?"

"With what?" Cover Girl said, "Trinity's invention is out of control, the kids are out of control, we've got fairies running around the house, and..."

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Staying Alive! Staying Alive!" Xi sang, John Travolta dancing around.

"Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello." The robot sang, fireballs flying from its hands.

"Help us separate Pretty Boy and She-Witch right now..." Wolverine growled.

"Oh Leo..." Piper said, as they kissed passionately.

"Piper..." Leo replied.

"I can't believe the two of you would get it inside your head...to go start making out in the garden shed..." Roadblock groaned.

"Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello."

"HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!" Cole shouted, dodging laser blasts and fireballs from the robot.

"Do you think those fairies had anything to do with this?" Cover Girl asked.

"Not them again..." Logan groaned.

"It's official, this christening is cursed..." Roadblock groaned as he pried Leo off of Piper.

"Fear not my love..." Piper said, "We will be together once more."

"I can't live without you my darling..." Leo wailed.

"You'll be back together lovebirds, once this mess get's straightened out..." Logan said, rolling his eyes.

* * *

"Piper," Paige began, "You're not yourself...Here, let me help."

Paige took a piece of paper from her pocket, "_Enchantment of passion, causing Leo and Piper to act in an unusual fashion. Reverse the spell's ill effect, from fairy's spell so suspect..."_

"Whoa." Piper said, "The last thing I remember was walking into the basement with Leo to talk about something just as we saw Cole. What is going on here?"

"Do you want the Cliff Notes version or the juicy details?" Paige asked.

"Cliff Notes, obviously." Piper said, ducking, "Why is your boyfriend rolling around punching the X-men's Cookie Monster Lookalike?"

"Uhm it's due to Cole..." Paige began.

"Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello." The robot sang as it chased Cole around with an ax.

"Cole, why don't you just blast it?" Piper asked.

"Don't think I haven't tried! Apparently Trinity made multiple versions of this insane device! This is number seven that I've destroyed!" Cole shouted, dodging the ax, "Yikes!"

"Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello." The robot sang some more, "With the lights out! It's less dangerous! Here we are now! Entertain us!"

Cole blasted the robot with an energy ball. And then two more Richard Simmons clones teleported into the room, running in place and armed with baseball bats made of adamantium.

"I think this is my cue to start running..." Cole shouted.

"That sounds like a good idea." Paige remarked.

Cole started running and Piper said, "At least you're getting some exercise out of the deal, Cole."

"Anyway, back to the Cliff Notes..." Piper began.

"Well, Cole made a deal with three fairies that 'Help the defeated in love'..." Paige began.

"And let me guess he's trying to get Phoebe to fall back in love with him again, with the help of the fairies?" Piper asked.

"Got it in one." Paige replied.

"We have to get rid of those fairies somehow." Piper said, dodging a stray lightning bolt, "Before this place gets leveled around our ears."

"With Lance and his earthquakes I'm amazed it still is. This can't go on..." Paige replied.

"For Phoebe especially." Piper replied.

"Surrender to your feelings!" Sugar shouted, zapping a bolt of electricity that narrowly missed Phoebe.

"Fall in love with Cole again!" Sweet shouted, firing a tiny rocket at Phoebe.

"Don't keep breaking his heart!" Syracuse added, "Connubial Missiles away!"

"Die Fairies! Die!" Lance shouted, making the house shake violently.

Toad and Althea were all over each other, "Three guesses how _that _happened." Piper remarked, as the two teenagers were ignoring everything short of the need for oxygen.

"You and Leo weren't exactly models of restraint when the fairies zapped you either." Pietro said as he zoomed by, "HELP!"

Five robot Richard Simmons clones were chasing him. "Did we mention that the robots were automatically programmed to register Pietro as enemies..." Trinity said.

"You failed to mention that." Piper said.

"We have to come up with a vanquishing spell for the Sugar Heart Fairies and..." Paige said just as Leo orbed in.

"Guys, the Elders said you can't vanquish the Sugar Heart Fairies..." Leo began.

"ARGH! This is official, our lives are cursed!" Piper groaned.

"I'm not done yet." Leo replied, ""But you have to try and contain them."

"It's like trying to catch fireflies." Piper complained.

"Very destructive fireflies." Paige commented and then brightened, "Piper, you are a genius!"

"What?" Piper asked, "Paige..."

"Just a second..." Paige shouted.

"If the house can stand that much longer." Piper commented as a hanging plant fell and conked Leo on the head after a fairly vicious tremor.

"Ow..." Leo moaned.

"Honey..." Piper said, racing to his side.

"Freeze them!" Paige shouted running in from the kitchen with an empty Mayonnaise jar with air holes in the lid and a butterfly net.

Piper gestured with her hands freezing everything in the room. Paige promptly netted the fairies and stuck them in a jar.

"I'd better go drop them off." Leo said and orbed out of the room.

"Cole, you had better get out of here if you know what's good for you." Phoebe said.

Cole was running for his life as a dozen Richard Simmons robots were chasing him with flamethrowers, stun guns, axes, baseball bats, and spiked clubs.

For every robot Cole zapped with his energy balls, two robots appeared. He ran out of the house and off the Pit. "I'm not giving up, Phoebe! I'm not giving up!" Cole shouted, "YEOWW! That electricity hurts!"

* * *

Several hours, and hasty repairs later, an altar was set up in the backyard. Alex was gurgling in his white christening gown in Elizabeth's arms.

"Are you sure everything is going to be fine? I mean the fact that there's going to be three witches, a bunch of pirates and mutants could probably freak out the chaplain." Phoebe asked Roadblock.

"Miss, Father Flanagan has been the longest serving chaplain here at the Pit. He's the one who married Mara and Shipwreck, so for this duty he is fit." Roadblock remarked.

Leo orbed back in just then, "The fairies are back where they belong, thanks to you guys."

"Leo, why are you covered in whipped cream?" Piper asked.

"Let's just say three coyotes are on the loose up there, and leave it at that..." Leo replied.

"Say no more." Piper said.

An older, balding Irish gentleman wearing the black outfit and collar of a Catholic priest walked into the backyard. "Is everything ready?"

"Everything is ready." Roadblock replied.

"You're not bothered by all this?" Paige asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ach, when you've been the chaplain at this base for twenty-four years you get used to an awful lot, lass." Flanagan said, whispering to Paige he added, "And ye may want to avoid canoodling with one of my parishioners inside the sanctuary."

Paige blushed slightly, "I'll keep that in mind, Father."

Alex gurgled in the basinet on the altar. "I suppose this joint blessing had best get going. I can hear the rumbling of several hungry bellies."

"Oh, right." Paige said.

Will Turner nodded, and Jack Sparrow and Anamaria drew their swords and crossed them over the baby. Mr. Cotton, the mute with the parrot, beat upon a snare drum, rhytmically.

"As the godfather of you, Alexander Weatherby Turner, I Jack Sparrow pledge on pain of death this sword to protect your life. That what foe may try at thee, he will fail as long as I do live. This I vow with my life's blood, by the Code of the Brethren all Pirates hold dear..."

"And as the godmother of you, Alexander Weatherby Turner, I Anamaria pledge on pain of death this sword to protect your life. That what foe may try at thee, he will fail as long as I do live. This I vow with my life's blood, by the Code of the Brethren all Pirates hold dear..."

Both Jack and Anamaria spoke as one just then, "And we swear by that which we hold dear, we will protect you as one of our own against what or who may seek to do you harm. This, beloved godson, is our most sacred pledge."

Both of them sheathed their swords and stepped away from the altar. Piper, Phoebe, and Paige stepped up to the altar. They stood in a circle around the baby and joined hands.

Together they chanted, "I call forth from space and time, matriarchs from the Halliwell line, mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, our family's spirit without end, to gather now in this sacred place, and help us bring this child to grace."

Everyone in the backyard would swear the felt a powerful presence of good that moment from that day on. Every witch of the Halliwell line was there to bless the newborn child of William and Elizabeth Turner. Prue astral projected alongside her three sisters, to witness their blessing the child.

Father Flanagan stepped up to the altar, "Bear with me, my christening rites are not nearly as dramatic..."

"Heavenly Father, bless this child, our brother Alexander. May the Holy Spirit ever watch over him, and bless this life in your Holy Name. Amen." Flanagan said, annointing the baby with christening oil.

A grin spread over his face, "Now that the rites of blessing are concluded, who is up for eating..."

"I am!" Shipwreck shouted, as he ran for the buffet table.

"Not so fast, Shipwreck..." Flanagan said, "Let's say grace first, shall we..."

After they said grace, Piper felt a sharp sensation through her rear end. She looked towards Leo, who had a very un-Whitelighter like look on his face.

"Leo?" Piper asked.

"Well, we've had a very stressful day. We were put under a spell, destruction and chaos followed shortly after, and not to mention we were caught in a very 'compromising' position." Leo whispered into her ear as he drew her into his arms, "I do think we deserve a little time of our own..."

"Why Leo..." Piper grinned cattily, her fingers walking up Leo's abdomen, his chest and his neck, "Just what do you have in mind..."

"Call it the residual effects of our enchantment." Leo began, after kissing her, "But I have the greatest desire to orb us back to the Manor for a while..."

"Oh, do tell..." Piper replied.

Leo whispered in her ear and Piper's cheeks reddened, "Really...Let's find out."

They orbed out of Misfit Manor to the Halliwell Manor...

* * *

TBC

AN - I know he might be a bit Gary Sue-ish but Father Flanagan had to be introucedas the Pit's chaplain (Hey, someone had to stick around to have married Mara and Shipwreck) and he's gonna have a role in future fics...


	18. Conclusions and a Council of Villains

Conclusions and a Council of Villains

Disclaimer: Same as before...For the record I like the Pirate Convention SNL skit. RoguefanKC, thanks for detecting my mistake…

* * *

"So how are you holding up?" Paige asked Phoebe the next morning.

"Let's see," Phoebe began, "First we meet the most insane collection of soldiers, mutants, and others imaginable, we see Sands again..."

Paige replied, "I figured Piper would be more annoyed by that than you."

"I'm not finished yet." Phoebe snapped, "I get subjected to more stupid 'AR' jokes from the stupidest Saturday Night Live skit imaginable from Jack Sparrow and his band of lunatics, I almost got skewered by the Blind Master and Spirit's drunken knife throwing demonstration, and to top it all off my ex-husband and three insane fairies came after me."

Paige replied, "There's so many jokes I could make..."

Phoebe glared at her sister, "Don't you dare."

"Relax," Paige replied, "You sure are touchy..."

"Having your demonic, and I mean literally demonic, ex-husband show up can make anyone touchy." Phoebe replied.

"It was pretty funny to see the Richard Simmons robots chase Cole though." Paige replied.

"I won't be able to hear that song again without imagining that." Phoebe replied.

"Same here." Paige replied, smiling.

"You seem happy." Phoebe replied, "Despite our insane evening…"

"It wasn't that bad…" Paige remarked.

"Will you three shut up!" Phoebe shouted at the air.

Paige was about to reply with something snappy but remembered something, "The coyotes again?"

"I don't need to hear any more lunatic remarks regarding Cole! I mean it! I'll bring you back to this world if only to kick your asses in triplicate!" Phoebe shouted.

"Listen you three," Paige replied, "I mean it, quit bugging Phoebe right now."

"But we're bored..." Mischief said, "Lance is in bed with a head cold and he's no fun when he's sick."

"And you're hardly a saint yourself. You were the Queen of the Underworld..." Guile remarked.

"And we already put a live squirrel in Natalie's underwear drawer…" Trickery whisppered.

"My God you three are nuts." Phoebe groaned, "Can't you bug someone _else _right now?"

"Say, I think the Whitelighter area is due for another fiesta…" Mischief replied.

"Bye, thanks." Guile said. The three coyotes disappered to cause more havoc and mayhem.

"Why do I get the feeling that we're going to really hear about this one?" Phoebe groaned.

"Because we probably are." Paige replied.

Piper came walking down the stairs just then, Leo trailing behind her. "I was wondering when you two would come down here." Phoebe replied, "Breakfast is ready."

"You're practically glowing." Paige observed, "But of course you should, considering you two cut out of the party early to play. Adding a third baby to the bunch?"

Piper blushed, "Of course not."

"The kids are still asleep upstairs." Paige added, and the grinned wickedly, "Phoebe and I put them to bed last night, after mommy and daddy decided to get a little busy."

"I guess we can thank those Heart Fairies for one thing." Piper remarked, as Leo put his arms around her waist. She held on to both of his wrists and smiled.

"With all those crazy creatures that the X-men and Misfits keep encountering I'm amazed that the Xavier Instituted and the Misfit Manor are still standing." Phoebe remarked.

"With those people I'm amazed any building within fifty feet of them is still standing." Piper remarked, "Especially when Lance and Pitor go at it."

The doorbell rang just then and Paige said, "I'll get it."

She opened the door to see an FTD delivery man standing there with two boquets of flowers. "Paige Matthews?"

"Yes." Paige replied.

"Sign here." The delivery man said.

Paige complied and asked, "Are both of those for me?"

"No. Is there a Phoebe Halliwell in the house?" the deliveryman asked.

"Phoebe…" Paige called, "Come here please."

Phoebe walked over to the door, noticing Paige holding a boquet of flowers in her arms, "From Ted?"

Paige nodded, smiling as she began to read the card that was attached.

"I wonder who could have sent me flowers." Phoebe replied, as she signed the form.

"No idea ma'am," the deliveryman said, "But I must say, your house is awfully popular, two boquets in one morning."

Phoebe closed the door after the deliveryman left as Paige giggled to herself. "What?" Phoebe asked.

"You've got a secret admirer." Paige replied, "You won't believe it, but Ted apologized for the chaos at Misfit Manor."

"Not so secret," Phoebe darkened as she read the card, "It's from Cole…"

"Oh dear." Paige remarked.

"He's saying that he's not giving up on us, and that he's made mistakes in the past but he's trying to correct them." Phoebe replied.

"Phoebe, becoming the new Source is not a mistake." Paige remarked.

"That means we haven't seen the last of Cole." Phoebe mused.

* * *

"You're awfully happy." Sands mused as he plastered spackle onto the hole Pitor had punched into the wall, "And what's with you silently counting seconds…"

"Well," Ted replied, "Right about now Paige should…"

The telephone rang just then and Roadblock shouted from the kitchen, "Ted, Paige is on the phone. Should I tell her you're available or to leave you alone?"

"I'm coming!" Ted replied.

Sands said, "If I had eyes right now, I'd roll them."

Ted answered the phone, "I'm glad you liked the flowers. I figured someone had to apologize for the insanity you were all subjected to…"

"Don't make me vomit, Ted." Sands commented.

"Yeah, 7 o'clock tommorrow night is perfect." Ted replied, "I'll see you then."

"Oh the nausea…" Sands groaned.

"Ted, other people need to use the phone too." Low Light remarked, "It's not like you weren't talking to Paige yesterday."

"Just a second." Ted replied, cupping the receiver, "Anyway, I'll see you tommorrow."

"Pretty grim, huh?" Sands remarked, "Soon he's gonna propose, she'll say yes, pump out a couple kids and Ted's on a ball and chain. Be careful, young man, that could easily be you…"

"Gah?" Barney said from his high chair.

"Damn it! I thought you were Toad." Sands remarked.

"Hey Sands," Althea remarked.

"What?" Sands replied. Althea whacked him upside the head with a paint can.

"OW!" Sands shouted, "What did you do that for?"

"Do the terms ball and chain ring a bell." Althea replied.

"Uh-heh heh…" Sands began.

"Althea, don't hit Agent Sands." Cover Girl replied.

"Thanks Cover Girl, now I…YOW!" Sands shouted as Cover Girl shot him with an air taser.

"You might not want to touch him, because you don't know where he's been." Cover Girl replied.

"HEY! That's abuse of the handicapped!" Sands replied as he twitched on the ground from the electrical current.

"You deserve it, you sexist pig." Cover Girl snapped.

"What did he say?" Wanda said.

"He basically said that I'd be a ball and chain for Toad." Althea replied.

"Normally I'm not a big fan of Toad," Wanda replied, "But since he seemed to say all women in general are a ball and chain…"

Wanda powered up and the hair dryer came to life and wrapped itself around his neck, while the nearby coatrack and vaccuum cleaner converged on Sands' position and started beating him up. "HELP!" Sands shouted.

"You brought this on yourself buddy." Shipwreck laughed.

"Wow," Althea quipped, "You can teach an old dog new tricks."

"After a few thousand tries…" Polly remarked, flapping his wings.

"Why you…!" Shipwreck shouted and leaped at Polly only to fall short and bash his head on the counter.

"EUREKA! Polly you're a genius!" Shipwreck shouted as he raced off to Airtight's lab.

"Help...blub blub blub…Help...blub blub blub…Help...blub blub blub…Help...blub blub blub…" Sands shouted as Cover Girl was dunking his head into the toilet while Althea and Wanda held him down.

"Aren't you going to do something about all this?" Emily asked, wincing as she heard Sands coughing up water.

"And have _them _attack me?" Ted replied, "Even I have more sense than that."

"You're filiming this?" Emily asked, incredulous, as she saw Ted with a tiny camcorder in his hands.

"Yeah." Ted replied, "Something tells me the Charmed Ones are going to enjoy this immensely."

"Sadist!" Sands shouted from the bathroom, "Glub…blub…blub…"

"Has anyone seen Shipwreck?" Roadblock asked.

"Not since he took off after Polly." Ted replied.

* * *

"I hate Shipwreck. I hate him! I hate him!" Ororo fumed as she walked into the kitchen.

"What's going on?" Scott blinked as he took his seat.

"What did Shipwreck do this time?" Beast asked, "Try to steal your bras again?"

"Worse." Ororo replied.

"Emus?" Beast asked.

"No." Ororo replied.

"What did he do?" Logan asked.

"He gave me flowers." Ororo fumed.

"That doesn't sound too bad." Jean remarked.

"HELLO! This is SHIPWRECK we're talking about!" Ororo shouted, waving her arms.

"Look on the bright side Storm." Scott began, "It can't be anywhere remotely as bad as the emus."

"Or the attack penguin." Kurt chimed in.

"That wasn't from Shipwreck, though." Kitty remarked.

"I know." Kurt remarked, "But I was saying that as far as gifts from the Misfits go, whatever Shipwreck gave Storm can't be that destructive…"

"Uhm guys…" Jamie began as he came into the kitchen, "There's something you should take a look at…"

"Not now Jamie." Scott began.

"But Cyclops…" Multiple began

"Jamie, unless this is an emergency, please don't interrupt us…" Jean began.

"Guys, there's a giant plant in Storm's bedroom that's eating the furniture. It's actually gotten bigger and just ate the bathroom door just now." Jamie replied.

"You know, Jamie," Jean began, gently, "These are the sort of things you should tell us immediately."

"My upbringing is full of inconsistent messages." Jamie replied.

Meanwhile the Misfits had teleported in. Storm immediately pounced on Shipwreck and staretd pummeling him.

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Shipwreck screamed as Storm pummeled him.

"Nice to see you too, Ororo." Cover Girl remarked, sarcastically, "As much as you don't believe me, we're here on business."

"Would that business have anything to do with the fact that half the students are tangled in vines right now?" Hank said as he ran into the room, chased by a dozen root-like appendages.

"Yes." Low Light replied, glaring at Shipwreck, "Somebody swiped a plant from Airtight's Lab. A rare flower from the Amazon…"

"The Amazon Rosewood Tercher, you mean?" Beast replied, "I've never seen one grow that big before. Nor have I ever seen one that can use its roots as tentacles…"

"Did I mention that I crossbred them with several other plants, including the Venus Flytrap?" Airtight, who had accompanied them, replied.

"So its mutated now?" Beast asked.

"Isn't it grand?" Airtight asked.

"Aren't you insane?" Ororo replied.

"How was I supposed to know it would start eating the furniture?" Shipwreck replied.

"Maybe the last time one of you tried to Say It With Flowers would have been the perfect clue!" Ororo snapped.

"Airtight, does it...?" Beast asked.

"If you're asking if it eats people, the answer is no." Airtight replied, "But the roots act as a defensive mechanism."

"Meaning if we attempt to blow it up we're going to have problems? Right?" Beast replied.

"Right." Airtight replied.

"How do we stop this thing then?" Beast replied.

"Fortunately I have several bags of 'No Weed' herbicide in my lab and with me." Airtight replied, "All you have to do is…"

A flower broke through the wall and Cyclops blasted it with his optic blast. "Did I forget to add that destroying a part of the flower means it multiplies in triplicate?" Airtight replied.

"I think I would remember if you did!" Scott replied, as half a dozen vines wrapped around him and pinned him against the wall.

Airtight flung a small cloth bag at the roots, covering it with powder. The roots withered and died and released Scott. Unfortunately Scott was suspended several feet above the ground when Airtight hit it with the bag. Scott hit the table, splintering it, and stood, coughing.

"Airtight, you might have wanted to wait until Slim was closer to the ground before doing that." Wolverine observed, his clothing torn and shredded and claws extended from fighting with the giant plant.

"OK," Shipwreck said, taking charge, "We'll need reinforcements. Wavedancer, Avalanche, Toad get to work with the bags of 'No Weed.'"

Airtight tapped his Mass Device communicator, "Roadblock, Mountaineer, we need some more No Weed and reinforcements."

A short time later the reinforcements teleported in. "THORNY BRAMBLE! THORNY BRAMBLE! AUGH! OUCH!" Pietro shouted as he was chased by a thorny appendage around the foyer.

Ted hit the thorny branch with a fist sized bag of No Weed, causing it to wither and die. "Uhm, Airtight, how intelligent is this thing?" Ted shouted from the foyer.

"About as smart as an average Venus flytrap, why?" Airtight replied.

"Is that Mensa or non-Mensa flytrap." Ted asked.

"AUGH! MORE THORNS! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Pietro shouted as a dozen thorny vines wrapped around him and lifted him into the air.

"What do you know, a thorny plant with taste." Wanda remarked.

"Quit OW commenting OW and save me! OW!" Pietro shouetd.

Sands flung a No Weed bag at some vines eating at the banister. However, Bobby Drake, fleeing more thorny brambles, got hit instead.

"HEY! What are you? Blind or something?" Bobby shouted.

"Actually yes." Sands remarked.

"WHOA!" Bobby shouted as the plant lifted him into the air and bonked him and Pietro's heads together.

Wolverine leaped upward, slashing down a root while Shipwreck flung a bag of No Weed onto the stump. Jubilee was pinned to the staircase wall and Wolverine battled through vines and brambles to get to his adopted daughter. Shipwreck followed behind, flinging fist sized sacks of No Weed into the stumps.

"This thing's got more branches than the IRS." Shipwreck grumbled.

"Dad, you gave this thing to Storm, so quit complaining." Althea remarked.

"You are so grounded right now." Shipwreck grunted.

"To think I expected my tour in the US to be boring." Ted replied as he followed X23, as she copied her father's tactic of slashing at vines, with a partner to fling bags of No Weed into them.

"Nothing to do with us is ever boring, Mountaineer." Rina replied.

"So I noticed." Ted replied, jumping as a thorny tentacle nearly grabbed him round the waist.

Jean flew up and telekinetically threw a dozen bags of No Weed to free Bobby and Pietro who promptly fell, but Jean used her powers to lower them gently to the ground.

"Iceman, freeze the perimeter of the room!" Logan shouted.

Bobby complied. "We'll start clearing the Mansion of this plant room by room." Roadblock shouted, "Before it can make anything else go boom."

"That could take a while." Ted quipped.

"Mountaineer, I'm one step ahead of you." Arcade began, as he teleported in. Trnity and several dozen Richard Simmons robots were in his wake.

"Sweat to the oldies!" They declared in unison and began attacking the plant with axes, flamethrowers, and No Weed grenades. After an exhaustive fifteen hour battle, there was scarcely anything wooden left upstairs at the Xavier Institute. Debris, robot parts, and various personal items lay all over the place.

"At least today wasn't a total loss." Shipwreck grinned widely as he picked up a particularly sexy red bra that was lying on the floor outside Storm's bedroom. The Misfits tapped their Mass Device communicators and vanished.

"Did I ever tell you how much I truly loathe Shipwreck?" Storm replied.

"You have." Kitty replied, surveying the damage.

* * *

An unknown location: "Transforming those Vipers into Heartless was a success, wasn't it?" Destro asked.

"Certainly." Cobra Commander hissed.

"We still must track down that traitor, Firefly." Destro replied.

"He is of no consequence." Cobra Commander replied, teresely.

"And you are certain we can market this product?" Armando Barillo rasped. The shotgun rounds that El Mariachi had shot him with Once Upon A Time in Mexico had destroyed much of his respiratory system.

"If we…" Xamot began.

"…market it as…" Tomax replied.

"…a performance enhancer…" Xamot continued.

"…then yes." They replied.

"What about the X-men, Misfits, and G.I. Joe?" General Eddington countered, "If Firefly told them anything…"

"Firefly knew nothing of value, only that the performance enhancers we gave most of his men turned them into Heartless." Mindbender replied, "I saw to it."

"And what of Firefly himself?" Destro countered, "He is our most skilled saboteur."

"One man cannot defeat an army." The Source observed.

"What of the X-men and Misfits," Eddington countered, "As far as I know they've aligned themselves with the Charmed Ones, which if my information is correct, have defeated your forces on a number of occassions."

"And these Heartless are almost entirely leaderless, are they not, since the eldest sister Prudence has vanquished Maleficent." Barbas replied.

"I wouldn't worry about a lack of leadership among the Heartless, Barbas." A voice sounding almost childlike, replied.

A figure walked into the light. He was clearly a red haired man, for what was left of his hair stood in a red shock. One of his eyes was blue, but the other eye was a red electro-optic orb set into a cybernetic half a face. His left arm from the elbow down was entirely mechanical, as were both of his legs. He wore a blue cape, white boots, and a black suit with a large white 'S' on his chest.

Barillo laughed contemptuously, "What child is this?"

"This 'child'," the figure said, "Is known as Syndrome."

"Syndrome of what? Delusion?" Barillo replied. He was promptly lifted into the air when Syndrome pointed his finger at him.

"Respect your betters, Barillo." Syndrome replied, "For it is I who now command the Heartless."

"And who are you?" Cobra Commander hissed.

"I am Syndrome. And I'm here with a little proposal…" Syndrome replied.

"We already control the Heartless, thank you very much." Mindbender countered.

"Yes, I trust that your formula was potent. However you were only able to create Shadows and Soldiers." Syndrome replied, "_I _can make more powerful Heartless for your schemes."

"I'm listening." Cobra Commander replide.

"As am I." Eddington added.

Syndrome couldn't help but smile, at least the human half of his face did. The cybernetic half of his face remained coldly expressionless. "Much better reception than I received fifteen years ago, from a man named Mister Incredible."

"Mr. Incredible?" Barillo asked, incredulously.

"A man who took away my future. But I showed him, I took over my world, and he is now in hiding." Syndrome replied, coldly, "But let's save those details for later. I know what your organizations want, because it's what _I _want."

"And what would that be?" Cobra Commander replied.

"I hazard a guess at respect, world dominion, prestige…" Syndrome replied, "Am I getting warmer…"

"Precisely…" Xamot replied.

"…our goal." Tomax added.

"My inventions could well be a help for you." Syndrome touched a control on his wrist, and the video monitor in the unknown office flared to life, showing a massive, spherical robot with legs, laser turrets and massive arms wrecking a city.

"What is that?" Trask asked.

"It's my Omnidroid, of course." Syndrome replied, "And I can help improve your Sentinels…"

"Hmm." Trask replied, "A most interesting concept."

"And I promise all of you, that I will pledge my inventions, my assets, and the Heartless to help you achieve your aims." Syndrome declared.

"And what's in it for you?" Reverend Stryker asked, "Surely you do not expect us to believe that you're helping us out of the goodness of your heart?"

"Of course not." Syndrome replied, "I want a cut of your profits and the use of your resources. My war to take over Metroville has cost me considerably, and by merging my forces with your own, we can become unstoppable. We just have to agree on cuts."

"As long as Pryde is dead, I don't care." Stryker replied.

"She's yours for the killing." Syndrome replied.

"You can use our labs and resources, provided we get those advanced weapons you promised." Cobra Commander replied.

"And these new Heartless you speak of." The Source added.

"You gentlemen will get all that you desire." Syndrome replied, "As long as you hold up your end of the bargain."

"And what would…" Xamot replied.

"…that be?" Tomax added.

"Keep the Joes, Charmed Ones, X-men, and Misfits out of my operations." Syndrome replied, "Keep them distracted and running around chasing disturbances you create. And then when I've amassed a mighty force, we will crush them…"

"And the world will be mine." Cobra Commander replied, "Pardon me, the world will be ours…"

* * *

END

AN: The fate of the Incredibles will be revealed in my next story, in the Incredibles section…


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